Threats from a 14 year old

[Namechange2272]

My 14 yr old DS thinks he can do what he wants. He has started going out with a girl and she is nice enough but his attitude stinks and has even before she came along. He goes out to see her when he wants and is neglecting his homework and is expecting a fully cooked dinner when he comes back at that time. Tonight when I collected him he demanded I let him go to the shop for a fizzy drink. When I said no he had a full on tantrum and started roaring and shouting. He went for DH and DH had to physically restrain him. He then smashed his phone and it is broken..

When he came downstairs again he demanded I brought his phone to be fixed tomorrow and when I said no he said he's not going into school tomorrow if I won't do it. When I told him I would cut off the phone completely if he doesn't start respecting us he told me he would hang himself.

I'm so fucking exhausted from him threatening to harm himself when he doesn't get his own way.

OP has this come out of nowhere or has it gradually been building?

Do you know who's he's socialising with, what he's watching online and what substances he's taking? It's quite a disturbing change if it's sudden and can be liked to ketamine and some dope to cause violet outbursts.

What is he like 80% of the time?

Violent not violet..

So sorry to hear this OP. However, I think you have to be consistent and keep insisting he do the right thing. Don't give in to his tantrums. No respect= no phone.However will he listen to reason?

No it's not sudden we've been walking on eggshells around his behaviour for years because of the threat of harm. We've had him running around the kitchen with a knife threatening to slash himself if he didn't get his own way. He's very manipulative

He's completely irrational and will refuse school or threaten self harm

He's definitely not taking any substances. He's very high achieving and well behaved in school and with other people outside the family

Has he ever actually harmed himself?

He is fine once things are going his way but we walk on eggshells all the time. I've told him his girlfriend is not coming here until he shows respect and does some chores as they take up the whole sitting room and just land in for dinner and he does nothing around the house

No he hasn't

You need to warn his girlfriend’s parents.
He is out of control. Imagine what he might do to her if she dares piss him off.

That sounds quite awful for you both, does he have siblings? Have you been to anyone for support? GP mental health support?

Sounds like he has some difficulty regulating his anger and behaviours, is he like this outside the home?

Are there any signs of neurodivergence or any signs of trauma? Sounds like he needs help from a therapist. Have you spoken to the school or sought any help? I recognise that this is a difficult, distressing and frustrating situation but it might be that he needs help.

As a family member of two people who have permanently harmed themselves, people who threaten rarely do.
I’m so sorry, @Namechange2272. This is long-term torture for you and your family.
I wish I could be there to help or to at least give you moral support. ❤️

He's like a mouse with her. No concerns there. He is perfectly behaved outside the home

No he is the model child outside the home. He's been referred to CAMHs but they refused him

No trauma. He went to art therapy for a year when he was about 10 as he's very deep. Nothing untoward from them sessions

Thanks for the support.

Doesn’t matter. He has it in him to behave like that and he could flip.
She needs to be aware of what her boyfriend is capable of.

Are you sure about that?

When he next threatens to harm himself, take him at face value and say you need to get him to see the GP as you are worried about his MH. Make it non negotiable. I would also tell him that you are making an appointment with the school as you are so concerned about him that you think they should know and could perhaps help.

He has anger issues. Is he quite good at opening up or does he suppress his emotions?
Does he show any symptoms of adhd? I'm only asking as anger can be quite common in boys with adhd.
In my experience cahms are useless. And what's the point waiting years to be seen?
If he's good at talking, I would seek some sort of therapy for his anger issues.
I would nip this in the bud straight away, you don't want it to escalate.
Next time he threatens to harm himself, make a show of him and tell him you're marching him down to a&e to be sectioned or call the police.

He needs a CAMHS referral, sounds like there's a psychiatric issue there.

Not saying that to be mean - my own daughter was truly impossible as a teen, and was diagnosed with BPD at 16 (though when reassessed at 18 no longer met the threshold for a diagnosed. Now they tend not to diagnose BPD in under 18's). She behaved in ways very similar to your son - so much aggression, refusing to comply with any requests or instructions from adults. Just a very very hard time.

A lot of people on this thread will advise punishment and strong boundaries. With some mentally unwell kids punishment is like throwing gasoline on a fire. It was in our case.

I brought him to the GP and he was scoring high for anxiety. CAMHs refused him and we were going to refer him to a counsellor but he assured us he was starting to feel better. He was linked in with the school counsellor for a school avoidance but he started going back to school

Next time he threatens self harm, take it seriously and tell him he needs to be taken to see a dr. Tell him you’ll be taking him to see a dr, or to a and e, also to therapy and you’ll be telling school as it’s such a concerning thing to say and needs to be taken very seriously. Maybe he will stop using it as a manipulation tool then. at the moment, he says it and by the sounds of it, you do as he wants so he’s discovered it works and is continuing to use it.

Sorry you are going through this. In a calmer moment I’d try talking to him about setting guidelines and expectations around his behaviour and activities that he can agree are reasonable and that he will commit to, and set rewards and punishments for what happens if he doesn’t follow them. We wrote up a contract with DS and it really helped everyone feel more empowered. Before that it felt like we were just continually reacting and being on the back foot.