Threats from a 14 year old

[Namechange2272]

My 14 yr old DS thinks he can do what he wants. He has started going out with a girl and she is nice enough but his attitude stinks and has even before she came along. He goes out to see her when he wants and is neglecting his homework and is expecting a fully cooked dinner when he comes back at that time. Tonight when I collected him he demanded I let him go to the shop for a fizzy drink. When I said no he had a full on tantrum and started roaring and shouting. He went for DH and DH had to physically restrain him. He then smashed his phone and it is broken..

When he came downstairs again he demanded I brought his phone to be fixed tomorrow and when I said no he said he's not going into school tomorrow if I won't do it. When I told him I would cut off the phone completely if he doesn't start respecting us he told me he would hang himself.

I'm so fucking exhausted from him threatening to harm himself when he doesn't get his own way.

He is a really good footballer but dropped out of all sports 3 years ago and then holed himself up in his bedroom until he got his girlfriend. He has dropped all his friends to see her. He is actually really popular but very single minded in his pursuits

Thank you great suggestion about the psychiatrist

He does need a massive wake up call. I don't know what he has but I genuinely don't think ND. My work background is in ND and I had DD assessed at a young age so I'm not against assessment I just don't think he is ND.

So so difficult to parent teenagers. DD would be very explosive due to ADHD but it is impulsive behaviour rather than manipulative.

DH is ADHD and has anger issues too. I'm actually sick of all of them. It takes me hours to calm down from a night like tonight

For now. Who knows what he might 'graduate' onto.
Open your eyes OP. Your son is dangerous.

He's not dangerous. I was a highly emotional and reactive teenager also. And I am a chilled adult with a job that involves helping people.

That's great, but you're not your son. Your son is waving knives around threatening to hurt/kill himself when he doesn't get his own way. That's dangerous.

What happens when his girlfriend doesn't let him get his own way? Or dumps him? Or cheats on him? Or any number of silly things that kids do?

But you’ve said yourself he explodes when he doesn’t get his own way. Imagine how it might go if he wants sex and the girl isn’t ready? You are being very glib about someone else’s child’s safety here.

This. You are either extremely naive or you are trying to cover his arse.

This thread has actually reminded me of how I was as a teenager. I remember my mother hiding tablets as she was worried I would do something (I didn't threaten it like my son). I was more sociable than DS though and played a lot of sports.

He's come down to apologise and has agreed on a few ground rules to be discussed and agreed properly at the weekend. When he is calm he's the nicest, kindest boy

I am not being naive. He internalises any emotions when he is outside the house. He doesn't try and control anyone outside the house

Yet

Hi OP, I am reading this as high functioning Autism. Perfectly behaved at school and out of control for you. It reminds me of how young women with ASD often behave. Maybe read around it a bit online and see what you think. Also goes hand in hand with anxiety.

@izimbra

Do you have contact with your daughter now?

I will look into it a bit more. I did the same thing in school though too and don't have autism. I was just very sensitive but masked it

How much has he watched your DD and DH rage and struggle with anger issues? If he’s grown up watching this, he probably thinks this is normal behaviour to an extent. Has he watched you walk on eggshells due to their anger and thinks he can get away with it too? Your DH in particular needs to model appropriate behaviour around his son or your son will quite likely become another angry adult.

There is definitely an element of him watching DH rage at people so it is possible he thinks it's normal

You've said he's no danger to his girlfriend, but i honestly don't know how you can stand over this, you're not with them all the time that they're together. You've said that he's dropping his friends to spend all his time with her - this isn't healthy for him, and is a risk for her, as I imagine he's pushing her to do the same.

I think you need to tell him that unless his behaviour changes right away there's no more seeing his girlfriend. Her job is not to provide emotional regulation to your son. I understand you are probably very fearful that this will set him off, but you can tell him that you're worried he'll frighten her, as he terrifies you, but you believe he can improve his behaviour, and you'll with him etc. I think you have a duty of care to this girl, you know what your son is capable of.

You say that you were like him when you were a teenager, but even if you were violent and manipulative, as a teenage girl you would probably not have been able to do any significant physically damage to a boyfriend.

Your husband has to take responsibility for his behaviour, and apply some self-control, and you need to set out ground rules for acceptable behaviour in your home.

I'm wondering if in his NTness he has seen a lot of attention go towards your DH and DD, and especially when they are least regulated. He may feel somewhat of a shadow and acting in this manner is how he has learned to get attention with you. He doesn't have the same competition outside the home and behaves well and is liked. I think asking him questions is the start of things if you can get him to answer. Maybe bigging him up on his supportive capabilities over the years might be way in. I'm sure there must have been some.

We've had some equivalent maladaptive behaviours here in the NT sibling and this understanding has helped.

Yet. It hasn't occurred with anyone else yet.

He is using coercive control tactics on you, consistently. Smashing up his phone is displaying violence, therefore he has been violent. "But he'd never hit a person/his GF/the cat" doesn't wash.

He chooses to behave this way with you.
He could, at some point, choose to behave this way with someone else.
Saying his GF isn't at risk is ridiculous.

As an autistic woman diagnosed later in life, I'm going to say you're describing being autistic when you talk about yourself and your son. He definitely doesn't sound NT.

All your replies seem to be excuses for his behaviour, that he is such a good boy outside, that you were the same as a teenager, that he may be copying his dad's behaviour... Come on OP, he is walking all over you and you let him behave that way.

What consequences has he ever had for his behaviour? I'd cancel phone, wifi, pocket money and anything extra that you pay for unless his behaviour improves. I'd set time boundaries. Dinner at a fixed time and if he's not there with the rest of the family, no dinner. He can only see the girlfriend if homework is done, between these hours. Absolutely talk to her parents and explain that you need to set boundaries about meeting and not let school work suffer. They are only 14, they have GCSEs next year.

Yes, teenagers can have outbursts, but he is not ND, he doesn't have MH issues, he is just being a brat because he gets away with it every single time. Walking on egg shells won't help the situation improve, that's for sure. Don't be afraid to be the bad person for a while.

I'd agree with this. Now is the time to implement in before GCSE's hit the situation.

He could be ND - but boundaries / consequences still need to be applied.

I agree with you 100%. Had a chat with him late last night and explained a lot of what you said and how expectations would be changing. We will be having a proper chat at the weekend and agreeing with both him and DD about expectations and consequences.