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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Threats from a 14 year old

105 replies

Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 22:07

My 14 yr old DS thinks he can do what he wants. He has started going out with a girl and she is nice enough but his attitude stinks and has even before she came along. He goes out to see her when he wants and is neglecting his homework and is expecting a fully cooked dinner when he comes back at that time. Tonight when I collected him he demanded I let him go to the shop for a fizzy drink. When I said no he had a full on tantrum and started roaring and shouting. He went for DH and DH had to physically restrain him. He then smashed his phone and it is broken..

When he came downstairs again he demanded I brought his phone to be fixed tomorrow and when I said no he said he's not going into school tomorrow if I won't do it. When I told him I would cut off the phone completely if he doesn't start respecting us he told me he would hang himself.

I'm so fucking exhausted from him threatening to harm himself when he doesn't get his own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:01

umbrellasusie · 13/01/2025 22:49

He has anger issues. Is he quite good at opening up or does he suppress his emotions?
Does he show any symptoms of adhd? I'm only asking as anger can be quite common in boys with adhd.
In my experience cahms are useless. And what's the point waiting years to be seen?
If he's good at talking, I would seek some sort of therapy for his anger issues.
I would nip this in the bud straight away, you don't want it to escalate.
Next time he threatens to harm himself, make a show of him and tell him you're marching him down to a&e to be sectioned or call the police.

He definitely has anger issues. He is really bad at opening up and talking he's really quiet. Definitely no ADHD and no ND that's all been checked out. His sister and Dad have it so we'd be fairly clued up on that. He's extremely sensitive and deep.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:03

izimbra · 13/01/2025 22:55

He needs a CAMHS referral, sounds like there's a psychiatric issue there.

Not saying that to be mean - my own daughter was truly impossible as a teen, and was diagnosed with BPD at 16 (though when reassessed at 18 no longer met the threshold for a diagnosed. Now they tend not to diagnose BPD in under 18's). She behaved in ways very similar to your son - so much aggression, refusing to comply with any requests or instructions from adults. Just a very very hard time.

A lot of people on this thread will advise punishment and strong boundaries. With some mentally unwell kids punishment is like throwing gasoline on a fire. It was in our case.

CAMHs have refused him so can't go down that route. He's such an anomaly as he's really well behaved outside the home. Won awards for behaviour in school, popular with other kids, has a girlfriend etc.but just treats us like shit

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Tittat50 · 13/01/2025 23:04

If you have any access to savings, I would prioritize an assessment for Autism and ADHD as a priority. If CAMHS are fobbing you off, you've got no chance on the NHS. I got fobbed off by NHS for Autism/ ADHD assessment.

Once diagnosed ( if this is what's happening, it ticks alot of boxes), you then have options to try ADHD medication which helps some, to get some buy in from school with issues, to look at other support, to cover yourselves as parents if there are any safeguard issues/ shit hits the fan in any way.

Edit - alot of kids mask in all areas and then become incredibly difficult with parents.

Saw you said ND checked out. I wouldn't trust the expertise of anyone bar a professional assessor. Not a GP, not a psychologist, not a CAHMS person, not anyone.

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:05

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 13/01/2025 23:00

Next time he threatens self harm, take it seriously and tell him he needs to be taken to see a dr. Tell him you’ll be taking him to see a dr, or to a and e, also to therapy and you’ll be telling school as it’s such a concerning thing to say and needs to be taken very seriously. Maybe he will stop using it as a manipulation tool then. at the moment, he says it and by the sounds of it, you do as he wants so he’s discovered it works and is continuing to use it.

I have brought him to the doctor. I will speak to him again and tell him we need to go again.

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toffeeappleturnip · 13/01/2025 23:05

Nextyearhopes · 13/01/2025 22:45

Doesn’t matter. He has it in him to behave like that and he could flip.
She needs to be aware of what her boyfriend is capable of.

Show quote history

I agree. By not letting her parents know you are putting someone else's child at risk. Please tell them so they can keep their daughter safe.

He has the potential to harm her with his coercive control tendencies and threats of violence.

If I was her parents I would be furious for this behaviour to be kept hidden from me purposefully.

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 13/01/2025 23:06

Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:05

I have brought him to the doctor. I will speak to him again and tell him we need to go again.

Show quote history

I would take him every time he threatens it. Or to a and e. Or call the police if he’s threatening to kill himself.

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:08

CashewGal · 13/01/2025 23:00

Sorry you are going through this. In a calmer moment I’d try talking to him about setting guidelines and expectations around his behaviour and activities that he can agree are reasonable and that he will commit to, and set rewards and punishments for what happens if he doesn’t follow them. We wrote up a contract with DS and it really helped everyone feel more empowered. Before that it felt like we were just continually reacting and being on the back foot.

Great suggestions. Myself and DH have talked this evening about sitting him down and doing this. He does nothing around the house and I mean nothing so things need to change anyway

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CymruChris · 13/01/2025 23:10

Have you been in contact with social services? If you're struggling with his behaviour and feeling like you or he is unsafe they may be able to help. My local authority delivers NVR course which may help you - its helped families I've worked with in a similar situation.

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:11

toffeeappleturnip · 13/01/2025 23:05

I agree. By not letting her parents know you are putting someone else's child at risk. Please tell them so they can keep their daughter safe.

He has the potential to harm her with his coercive control tendencies and threats of violence.

If I was her parents I would be furious for this behaviour to be kept hidden from me purposefully.

Show quote history

She is not at risk. This behaviour only occurs with me and DH. He is nearly 15 and has had the same friends for 11 years. He treats them very well and they adore him. It has never occurred outside the home.

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panpipeschill · 13/01/2025 23:11

Let him know that Not everyone will take his crap some people out there in the adult world dont give a fuck who you are or how old you are give they will give it back in 10 folds.
Act like a big man get treated like one.
Op we dont take this from our partners so why take it from your child put him in his place even if you scare youself stand your ground.

RedHelenB · 13/01/2025 23:11

Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 22:13

He's completely irrational and will refuse school or threaten self harm

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You need to be firm that you won't give into emotional blackmail.

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:12

Iwishiwasapolarbear · 13/01/2025 23:06

I would take him every time he threatens it. Or to a and e. Or call the police if he’s threatening to kill himself.

Show quote history

I'll make an appointment with the GP tomorrow. She's very good with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:13

CymruChris · 13/01/2025 23:10

Have you been in contact with social services? If you're struggling with his behaviour and feeling like you or he is unsafe they may be able to help. My local authority delivers NVR course which may help you - its helped families I've worked with in a similar situation.

Thank you I'll look into this. It's mainly when he's not getting his own way. He can't cope with it

OP posts:
MotherOfRatios · 13/01/2025 23:14

Respect the dv charity have a specialist program for young children like this. Have a read and see if there's a program near you.

www.respect.org.uk/pages/115-rypp

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:15

panpipeschill · 13/01/2025 23:11

Let him know that Not everyone will take his crap some people out there in the adult world dont give a fuck who you are or how old you are give they will give it back in 10 folds.
Act like a big man get treated like one.
Op we dont take this from our partners so why take it from your child put him in his place even if you scare youself stand your ground.

Have to say I do agree with this I think he needs stronger boundaries

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:16

RedHelenB · 13/01/2025 23:11

You need to be firm that you won't give into emotional blackmail.

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I think so too. He's walking around doing what he wants at the moment with no consequences for disrespectful behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:17

MotherOfRatios · 13/01/2025 23:14

Respect the dv charity have a specialist program for young children like this. Have a read and see if there's a program near you.

www.respect.org.uk/pages/115-rypp

Thank you I'll look into this

OP posts:
toffeeappleturnip · 13/01/2025 23:19

Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:11

She is not at risk. This behaviour only occurs with me and DH. He is nearly 15 and has had the same friends for 11 years. He treats them very well and they adore him. It has never occurred outside the home.

Show quote history

He has learnt coercive control and has learnt the threatening violence will get him what he wants.

He WILL use this on other people once he has finished with you guys.

This is how abusive people develop.

Safxxx · 13/01/2025 23:20

Tell him if he refuses to go to school you will not make any excuses on his behalf and will tell the headteacher about his behaviour. Tell him you will get the teachers to the house if necessary...don't back down and do tell the school, maybe he will listen to them.

wildflower93 · 13/01/2025 23:20

It sounds extreme, but if he threatens to harm himself again, I'd threaten to phone 999 and call an ambulance/ police services. It is likely he will back down. If he doesn't, I suppose it won't harm him to be checked over. I know services are stretched but It sounds like you have been failed by MH services like many poor teens and parents.

He could either be a manipulative teenager who will grow out of it (I treated my parents awfully / he sounds very similar to me and regret it to this day) or he may have some significant needs (I learned I had these too!)

Either way, it's no reflection on your parenting and you seem to have set clear boundaries and expectations.

Have you contacted the school? There could be further support there. I'm no expert, but I am a secondary teacher, could he be masking/ exploding at home?

Sending love and support

Bleachbum · 13/01/2025 23:21

What sport does he do, OP?

My DS isn’t very sporty and we found that when he was going through puberty he had nowhere for his testosterone to go. He would be pent up with frustration, anger and anxiety.

We did a range of things including some therapy but one thing that has continued to help him a year later has been boxing. He has been going weekly for a year now and we’ve not had any temper tantrums since.

Just a thought….

Tittat50 · 13/01/2025 23:22

One of the biggest things that stand out to me are school refusal and threatening self harm. If you are decent parents trying your absolute best in every way and he's treating people around him well apart from you then this screams of additional issues to me.

The GP is not going to have the expertise. But they may help you access next level help or support. If CAMHS aren't helping you I would go to a private psychiatrist and ask for an appointment. I would ask for someone who is knowledgeable in AUTISM and ADHD (even if he doesn't appear to be in any way). And then go from there. If I isn't that then at least you've seen someone who has a full spectrum of expertise.
You have psychologists and people in CAHMS who don't know what Autism and ADHD actually look like. You just want to be real certain is all because he could easily get a Borderline Personality Disorder ' diagnosis' slapped on him. And no one even knows what that is because it doesn't really explain very much. Also commonly attributed to people who are actually ND but masked well or weren't assessed by anyone.

If there are other things then you can get that explored and ruled out also. You just have to be very sure because these people will gaslight you and fob you off as soon as look at you.

He may just be a rebellious teen but I have a feeling there's more to this. Maybe not ND, but something is going on.

Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:23

Safxxx · 13/01/2025 23:20

Tell him if he refuses to go to school you will not make any excuses on his behalf and will tell the headteacher about his behaviour. Tell him you will get the teachers to the house if necessary...don't back down and do tell the school, maybe he will listen to them.

Oh I will and I have done when he was refusing school last year. The school were fully informed about his behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange2272 · 13/01/2025 23:25

wildflower93 · 13/01/2025 23:20

It sounds extreme, but if he threatens to harm himself again, I'd threaten to phone 999 and call an ambulance/ police services. It is likely he will back down. If he doesn't, I suppose it won't harm him to be checked over. I know services are stretched but It sounds like you have been failed by MH services like many poor teens and parents.

He could either be a manipulative teenager who will grow out of it (I treated my parents awfully / he sounds very similar to me and regret it to this day) or he may have some significant needs (I learned I had these too!)

Either way, it's no reflection on your parenting and you seem to have set clear boundaries and expectations.

Have you contacted the school? There could be further support there. I'm no expert, but I am a secondary teacher, could he be masking/ exploding at home?

Sending love and support

Thank you. He's quite similar to me. When I was at school I was perfectly behaved and then exploded at home. I'm not ND and did grow out of it so it could be a similar situation at play here. Genuinely don't think he is masking ND.

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 13/01/2025 23:27

You’ve done Drs, CAMHS, no ND or ADHD

Next time I wouldn’t be calling a Dr but the police, he’s a harm to himself. Although I don’t believe that. You’ve already said he manipulative. He can obviously switch it on and off. I wouldn’t even threaten it, I would just do it. If he’s at real harm to himself they can call the right people, but I’m guessing he will shit himself and suddenly snap out of it.

By not contacting the girlfriends parents you are seriously putting her at risk, it dosnt matter how besotted he is now he has a violent streak especially when he can’t get his own way, you have a duty of care whether you like it or not. Right now you sound like all those mothers of violent men who make excuses for them.

Maybe you publicly pulling him up on his behaviour is what he needs to know he can’t get away with this.

Id also record him, show the Drs, school police and girlfriend if she dosnt believe he could act this way. Otherwise you’re allowing him to get away with it.

My friends has called the police on her 12yo ND, Autistic, ADHD and other issues son because of his violent temper. He’s bigger than her now so she needed to do something. One of her big fears is girls, if he can attack her he can attack a girl who can’t defend herself. The community police were happy to talk to him, tell him his behaviour isn’t acceptable and basically tell him what’s going to happen to him if he keeps it up. My friends DS has Sen issues which file his behaviour, from the sounds of it your DS dosnt, he needs a massive wake up call.

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