Help me stick to my resolution to stop being a doormat to my kids

[doormatrevolution]

I'm starting to resent my adult and teen kids and it's my own doing.

They are great kids , lovely human beings , kind and caring.

But I've indulged them too much and not expected enough.

They don't do chores except very occasionally.
We have three dogs - never walk them.

I do all shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

I give regular lifts or pay for taxis.

I practically run a hotel for their partners.

They leave mess around, rarely tidy up after themselves.

More and more I'm feeling resentment and sometimes rage but I express none of it to them.

They think I'm just the best, do so much for them, laid back, easy going and supportive.

Inside sometimes I want to scream but like I say, I know it's because I haven't instilled boundaries and expectations when they were growing.

How do I go from where we are to relieving the resentment but without dropping a bomb or going beserk.

Some good boundaries to start with ?

@doormatrevolution I am very much Like you and for the same reasons. I totally get the going too far the other way thing.

Little steps eh? We will get there.

I'm so pleased that this is resonating with others !

I made a big roast dinner last night and thoroughly enjoyed sitting with them all at the table. I want to keep that but get them onboard to help with the day to day meals and pitching in to help with clean-up.

I've got an opportunity today to tweak things slightly - DD needs some new drawers for her room and wants to sort it out and paint the walls.

I'm going to contribute but not pay for everything.

My husband is also due to start a contract working away from home soon - I'm going to use this as the opportunity to say (truthfully) I'm going to have even more on my plate with Dad not around and helping out with house stuff and could we make a plan of how they can help.

Sounds like a good reason to give your DC Op. Have you given any thought to how you're going to handle it if they don't get onboard? It might be good to have a plan rather risking blowing up on them

@doormatrevolution thanks so much, gave me a reminder too.

Our eldest two are 18 and 16 and my husband and I only realised recently that we have ruined them in terms of helping with housework.

Neither causes us undue trouble, they do ok in school/college, busy at sport, both volunteer 2 hours a week, are kind to younger siblings (rest are 13, 10 and 7) and to grandmother who lives next door... They are not expected to do any work for siblings/grandparent, e.g. I help grandparent with housework, not them and we don't ask them to babysit rest unless we are completely stuck and I wouldn't change that.
But they do no housework at home, assume we are always available for lifts, assume we will have sports kit and suitable snacks ready for training, friends can just land in and so on, so I just like to develop a more "in this together" attitude for the whole family.

Both know how to do laundry, but actually wait till their baskets are completely overflowing as well as their floors covered in clothes before they bring them down for me/dh to wash so my first step is definitely handing their laundry to them.

The elder one can cook well, but doesn't, younger one can do about 3 dishes, but myself/dh cook all the time, so second step will be to start them doing a night each so that they further develop their skills and give us a break.

Bathrooms etc can come after that...

Definitely going to start the younger ones too, they can feed dog, lay table etc, the simple jobs that are all my older ones currently do!

I’m definitely in the gone too far the other way tribe as well! I tried to overcompensate for the childhood I never had and also my teen is lazy and not very biddable unfortunately so I end up doing things. I feel resentful now and it isn’t the way forwards. I like the suggestion of ‘can you please help me do x whilst I do y’ that might be a good start. I find when I just ask for things to be done it’s so slow in happening I end up doing them myself but also I do more than my fair share to keep the peace.

@Booksandsport designated washing days as a start? Eg Monday is your day. Machine will be free from 6-8pm make sure it's done. And stick to it?
I know that's easier said than done but it's a start!

Actually I hadn't thought of assigning days and that is a better idea, otherwise both will fight Thursday when they want clothes for the weekend and the younger one will forget that uniforms need washing!

It worked for me although I will confess I have just rescued a full rugby kit from under a bed from a week ago.... following the smell.
Generally it works though :)

Another very simple thing I was taught from an older teaching colleague is never say "Please" in an instruction.

"Please can you put the plates in the dishwasher" - is optional and a bit wishy washy.

"Sarah, pop the plates in the dishwasher after dinner, thank you" - no longer optional, using the name makes it specific to the person and thanking them before they do it assumes it will be done

It's such a tiny thing but really works, the downside is my DD has cottoned on and I find she uses it on me too 😂

They are great kids , lovely human beings , kind and caring.

No, they're not. Not towards you at any rate

They know what they're doing and I bet they're not the same in other people's houses

@Bouledeneige ugh, don't allow your son to be one of those dreadful men who pretend their male eyes 'can't see' housework, what a burden that is to whoever he ends up dating.

Have a positive update

I haven't even said anything yet except for privately being conscious of pandering less and DD loaded and emptied the dishwasher TWICE yesterday !

Think it's part of a new year, new me - eat clean /dry January push but im here for it!

@Nanny0gg I do get your point, it's valid of course in terms of them lapping up my silly running round after them but they really are lovely people.

DS birthday tomorrow and have consciously not gone over board there too - as that's anything place it comes out, spoiling them materially on birthdays and Christmas.

Sounds like a positive start OP. Your thread has massively resonated with me. I have a 18 year old at uni and a 17 year old at home. I am a lone parent and have been for years and my nice, clean and ordered home has been a source of pride for me - a ‘look at how well I cope on my own’ kind of thing.

i am my own worst enemy as i seem to subconsciously think that no-one can do housework/organising as well as me so i just do everything. I know this is a ‘me’ problem but I am really starting to realise I have done my children no favours. I have made my life about looking after them, and now they are older I am seemingly clinging on to that relevance! My eldest looks after themselves brilliantly at uni so they can do it!

I think I am going to have to quietly quit as I find confrontation painful (again a me issue!) I have tried this before but then the mess that is left makes me anxious and twitchy so I cave - which they know I will so the cycle goes on!

Lots for me to think about so thank you for the post and I wish you well with sorting this as well :).

I can relate. I read a quote ‘don’t misinterpret my cleaning as a desire to pick up after you.’ I can’t live in mess either as it upsets me. This is childhood conditioning that and learning to clean up immediately after myself as I was criticised for making any mess in the house as a child. I find it hard to undo and the latter habit actually keeps me accountable but unfortunately hasn’t been modelled to the other members of the household! 🙈