Help me stick to my resolution to stop being a doormat to my kids

doormatrevolution · 2024-12-31T16:08:17+00:00

I'm starting to resent my adult and teen kids and it's my own doing. They are great kids , lovely human beings , kind and caring. But I've indulged them too much and not expected enough. They don't do chores except very occasionally. We have three dogs - never walk them. I do all shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry. I give regular lifts or pay for taxis. I practically run a hotel for their partners. They leave mess around, rarely tidy up after themselves. More and more I'm feeling resentment and sometimes rage but I express none of it to them. They think I'm just the best, do so much for them, laid back, easy going and supportive. Inside sometimes I want to scream but like I say, I know it's because I haven't instilled boundaries and expectations when they were growing. How do I go from where we are to relieving the resentment but without dropping a bomb or going beserk. Some good boundaries to start with ?

SLRUS · 31/12/2024 17:01

Id just quietly quit. Don't make a big drama about any of it, just slowly stop doing it and they'll learn that if they don't sort stuff then it won't get done!!

xyz111 · 31/12/2024 17:03

I would do a chores list. They get a lift if they've done their chores.

Timeforabiscuit · 31/12/2024 17:07

Just roll it back, don't leap in with an offer of help, start leaning on them more - to clear the table after dinner, hang up washing, cook a meal - be busy doing something else " I need to do the online shop, can you fold the washing and put the next load on please?"

PiggieWig · 31/12/2024 17:09

Following as I’m in the same boat

handmademitlove · 31/12/2024 17:11

As I said to my 18yr old today "this is not a hotel and I am not the housekeeper" 🙂 a gentle reminder every now and then helps

persisted · 31/12/2024 17:12

I'd tell them, they don't know how you're feeling so why would they change? If they can get away with it they will.

So explain - I need you to: do your washing / be responsible for dinner once a week (that includes planning/ adding stuff to list/ cooking/ clearing up) / put rubbish in the bin, whatever. Be clear with the expectation, it's not a negotiation.

Forgottobuymincepies · 31/12/2024 17:13

I have resolved to give lifts one way only. Walk /bus /train the other way...

Justmuddlingalong · 31/12/2024 17:13

I think that by them getting to those ages, that ship has sailed. The pushback will be horrendous, so prepare yourself.

HPandthelastwish · 31/12/2024 17:15

Dogs are on you, they are the adults that bought them responsibility.

Laundry is an easy one for them to take responsibility of, I'd nip out and buy them all a laundry basket and delicates bag and that from now on anyone over 16 was doing their own.

I would give them the option of keeping their own spaces clean and communal areas or upping their keep to pay for a cleaner (or you do it and keep the extra)

Lifts and taxis - that depends on if you decided to live in the arse end of nowhere, if you are really rural then that's also on you.

Now that they are older though you need to have a proper discussion with them on house rules, house chores and the changing dynamic. If they have no idea there is a problem why would they change.

Fhjiutwafhmbcff · 31/12/2024 17:15

Maybe tell them, humourously, that you're getting on a bit and that now they are adults / over the age of xx, you'd like them to pitch in with everything that needs to be done.
Then ask how they'd like to organise it eg all share all tasks / each have their own designated task(s).
I hope they already have their own laundry bins in their rooms & do their own laundry. If not, maybe start with that.

BobbyBiscuits · 31/12/2024 17:15

Definitely no more lifts. They can use a taxi, bus or walk.
Only cook for them if you're making an easily scalable meal and they have actually confirmed they will be home and eat it.
Otherwise they should cook their own. You could give them a budget for shopping for the week. That's what my mum did when I was 14. I had to buy and cook all my own food, and once it was gone, it's gone.
I enjoyed the freedom of buying all my own things and taught myself to cook. I ate a lot of pesto pasta and beans on toast as the budget inevitably got heavily leant on by fags and McDonald's! But it taught me to plan money and food.
Cleaning, well I'd say obviously they all must do own laundry. Make a rota so that once someone's washing is finished, they must take it out as someone else needs to use it.
I hope you can put these rules in place and be strong with enforcing it.
They'll thank you in the long run. X

oatmy · 31/12/2024 17:19

I think you probably need to sit down with them and explain that things need to change. Include them in the problem solving: how can work be shared round the family more fairly? Come up with a plan/allocation of chores together, then you can hold them to it.

I feel for you, I also do far too much for my teenager.

Chocolately · 31/12/2024 17:20

Bargain.
"Mum, can't I get a lift to xyz tonight"?
"yes, but before then I need you to clean the kitchen and put the bin out".

tothelefttotheleft · 31/12/2024 17:21

I'm going to be a cautionary tale to you.

I did everything for mine. Said I wouldn't be doing it when they left school.

I then got cancer and they did not life a finger to help me.

Don't be me.

Forgottobuymincepies · 31/12/2024 17:24

I stopped doing dd's x2 laundry in Covid. They had plenty of time to do it themselves.. They still do.. Now 18 and 19...

Lolapusht · 31/12/2024 17:33

Do you get validation from anywhere else other than your DC thinking you’re amazing for doing everything for them? I don’t mean that in a sarky way, more thinking that if you could deal with that aspect then it will be easier to stick to your guns when you stop doing everything for them.

There is absolutely no reason or excuse other than laziness for why they aren’t doing things around the house. By doing things for them you are, unfortunately, enabling them. I would love to have someone to do all the housework but I dont so I have to do it myself.

You are a person other than “just mum”. You deserve respect, especially in the home you have provided for your children. Christ, you grew, birthed and raised the ingrates, they can do a wash and unload the dishwasher in return! No more lifts unless they’ve done housework, no more washings, no more meals.

I just re-read your post and saw the “…AND THEIR PARTNERS…”. STOP IT!! You don’t want to be treated like this a have a chat with your DC (and their partners!!) where you tell them how you feel and put it on them to find solutions. I assume they have jobs etc so can function as adults? They want lifts etc, they can negotiate a settlement with you. State your terms and stick to them!

Daleksatemyshed · 31/12/2024 18:36

You've been the cool DM, the one who let her kids have everything for free and welcomed all their friends,gave them lifts, money, never said No, of course your DC think you're great. But now you're absolutely done, resentful and you've painted yourself into a corner because it's going to be really difficult to get them to change.
Time to make changes, everyone has to pay their way, with money/ and or chores. You say your DC are lovely people, kind and caring, well now it's time for them to prove it, it's easy to be lovely when nothings asked of you

2catsandhappy · 31/12/2024 20:51

Just be clear with instructions. Don't forget the clean ups.

'Get your own dinner tonight and clean the kitchen up after.'
'Sort your laundry, get a wash on, set a phone timer to empty the machine.'
'Put the shopping away and recycle the bags please.'
'Clear the table and fill the dishwasher please'

Tell them no to lifts, you are having a glass of wine, sorry.
No money for taxis/takeaways, paying off Christmas, sorry.
No, James and Jane can't stay over, you are fed up of tripping over their mess.

The first time you say no is the hardest. After that it gets much easier.
New year, new you and all that.

Once you have left an expectation with them, DO NOT do it yourself.

Original poster

doormatrevolution · 31/12/2024 23:03

I've just checked back on this thread and so grateful for the replies!

It's definitely a big issue as I feel much trepidation at some of the suggestions, even though I'm in agreement that it needs to happen.

I've had a conversation with my husband about it tonight, I/we are committed to change.

OP posts:

Original poster

doormatrevolution · 31/12/2024 23:04

Justmuddlingalong · 31/12/2024 17:13

I think that by them getting to those ages, that ship has sailed. The pushback will be horrendous, so prepare yourself.

This is what worries me and I think small changes will be the only way initially

OP posts:

Original poster

doormatrevolution · 31/12/2024 23:05

HPandthelastwish · 31/12/2024 17:15

Dogs are on you, they are the adults that bought them responsibility.

Laundry is an easy one for them to take responsibility of, I'd nip out and buy them all a laundry basket and delicates bag and that from now on anyone over 16 was doing their own.

I would give them the option of keeping their own spaces clean and communal areas or upping their keep to pay for a cleaner (or you do it and keep the extra)

Lifts and taxis - that depends on if you decided to live in the arse end of nowhere, if you are really rural then that's also on you.

Now that they are older though you need to have a proper discussion with them on house rules, house chores and the changing dynamic. If they have no idea there is a problem why would they change.

Edited

Fair comment on the dogs , although one of them was an adult DD who moved out and left her here 😂

Good idea about getting their own laundry bags to set them up for doing their own.

OP posts:

Original poster

doormatrevolution · 31/12/2024 23:07

BobbyBiscuits · 31/12/2024 17:15

Definitely no more lifts. They can use a taxi, bus or walk.
Only cook for them if you're making an easily scalable meal and they have actually confirmed they will be home and eat it.
Otherwise they should cook their own. You could give them a budget for shopping for the week. That's what my mum did when I was 14. I had to buy and cook all my own food, and once it was gone, it's gone.
I enjoyed the freedom of buying all my own things and taught myself to cook. I ate a lot of pesto pasta and beans on toast as the budget inevitably got heavily leant on by fags and McDonald's! But it taught me to plan money and food.
Cleaning, well I'd say obviously they all must do own laundry. Make a rota so that once someone's washing is finished, they must take it out as someone else needs to use it.
I hope you can put these rules in place and be strong with enforcing it.
They'll thank you in the long run. X

I don't wish to remove myself from the role completely - I don't think I want them to all be cooking their own food - I do get pleasure from cooking for them and sharing meals but need to tighten up on not constantly shopping for breakfast stuff because people are staying over.

Every meal time I feel pressure to "perform" when the partners are round and feel guilty if it's "just" a standard meal.

OP posts:

Original poster

doormatrevolution · 31/12/2024 23:08

tothelefttotheleft · 31/12/2024 17:21

I'm going to be a cautionary tale to you.

I did everything for mine. Said I wouldn't be doing it when they left school.

I then got cancer and they did not life a finger to help me.

Don't be me.

I'm sorry this was your experience, my friend has been in this exact boat and I was horrified - recovering from breast cancer surgery and her kids not only didn't rally and help but were also really unsympathetic :(

OP posts:

Original poster

doormatrevolution · 31/12/2024 23:11

Lolapusht · 31/12/2024 17:33

Do you get validation from anywhere else other than your DC thinking you’re amazing for doing everything for them? I don’t mean that in a sarky way, more thinking that if you could deal with that aspect then it will be easier to stick to your guns when you stop doing everything for them.

There is absolutely no reason or excuse other than laziness for why they aren’t doing things around the house. By doing things for them you are, unfortunately, enabling them. I would love to have someone to do all the housework but I dont so I have to do it myself.

You are a person other than “just mum”. You deserve respect, especially in the home you have provided for your children. Christ, you grew, birthed and raised the ingrates, they can do a wash and unload the dishwasher in return! No more lifts unless they’ve done housework, no more washings, no more meals.

I just re-read your post and saw the “…AND THEIR PARTNERS…”. STOP IT!! You don’t want to be treated like this a have a chat with your DC (and their partners!!) where you tell them how you feel and put it on them to find solutions. I assume they have jobs etc so can function as adults? They want lifts etc, they can negotiate a settlement with you. State your terms and stick to them!

You are so on the money here, I've reflected and even said to my husband tonight , that I'm like a small child seeking approval, praise and love in return for being this super mother that is just depleting me and leaving me resentful.

It's definitely been exacerbated since I worked from home and was more available.

Also think since they got older I've lost purpose and structure of not running little kids around, meeting their needs, actively nurturing them and I've just continued and it's all of a sudden become unmanageable and inappropriate for their age.

OP posts:

Fififizz · 01/01/2025 00:06

This is my NY resolution. I’m trying to not jump in and ‘fix’ things and recognise where the desire to do so comes from. It’s harder than you’d imagine and pretty uncomfortable. My desire to fix comes from a rubbish childhood and taking on far too much adult responsibility too young. Fixing stuff is like being on constant red alert to avoid drama. I think it’s going to be a long process to unlearn this behaviour!