Help me stick to my resolution to stop being a doormat to my kids

[doormatrevolution]

I'm starting to resent my adult and teen kids and it's my own doing.

They are great kids , lovely human beings , kind and caring.

But I've indulged them too much and not expected enough.

They don't do chores except very occasionally.
We have three dogs - never walk them.

I do all shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

I give regular lifts or pay for taxis.

I practically run a hotel for their partners.

They leave mess around, rarely tidy up after themselves.

More and more I'm feeling resentment and sometimes rage but I express none of it to them.

They think I'm just the best, do so much for them, laid back, easy going and supportive.

Inside sometimes I want to scream but like I say, I know it's because I haven't instilled boundaries and expectations when they were growing.

How do I go from where we are to relieving the resentment but without dropping a bomb or going beserk.

Some good boundaries to start with ?

I made.it a rule.from age 14 they cooked one meal a week. To begin with when I did the shopping I would support them with what they needed to purchase after a while they just knew.

Another rule is noone leaves the dinner until the tidying up has been done. This rule.is still.followed now they are in their twenties. One does a sweep of.the rooms to see if there are any plates or.cups to.be done. For a period we also had 1 do a.laundry change over at.this point (new load in old load hung up or in tumble drier and tumble dried load folded)

I would stick up a chore chart with do 2 of these chores and sign them off until done you cannot.go anywhere and no lifts.

Made them support with laundry from age 12 and slowly they took over

Result was once they went to uni they were capable of managing themselves.

Make it an expectation not an exception.

Hi OP I might join you in this! I have two teens and do all their cooking and washing up, laundry etc.

I need to get them more independent, following for tips and advice

I like the cooking a meal a week idea!

How old are they? Do they live at home? Do they drive? If they have partners coming to your house, does that mean they go to their partner's houses too?
Can it be more of a team effort? As well as doing things for them, can they do things for you? A lift home from something? Cooking dinner once a week when you've been out doing an activity, even if you have to start doing an activity to make that happen!

I have made my kids do their own laundry since their early teens but I have not been as insistent as I should have been about them pulling their weight in the house. I have gradually rolled that back. I don't regularly do lifts - except if it is convenient. I've just stopped picking up late in the evening or said sorry no I can't. Cut from say 10 lifts a month to 2.

I also said that since I work full time I need more help as neither of them work as much as me (one is currently unemployed). And I've said I don't want to blow up at them so they need to do more to help before it becomes a big issue. My DS says he doesn't see stuff that needs doing so I just have to ask him - I regularly get him to empty all the bins - at least twice a week and to put the bins out. My DD regularly cleans the kitchen and bathroom. Everyone is expected to wash up after cooking and if I make the meal they do the clearing and washing up afterwards. They are responsible for their own rooms and laundry.

It's made things much better and they are being more adult about it.

Martyrs aren't valued.

@thehousewiththesagegreensofa

I have one that's left home and drives - she's a darling, living independently. Requires little from me but is always very grateful for the things I do. We have a lovely close (resentment free) relationship.

A 22 yo daughter who lives here, no board charged, drives, runs a business - she's lovely, but definitely messiest and least chores done. Her 22 yo boyfriend lives here approx half the week. He also works and drives. They make some meals for themselves. Although often leave a mess in kitchen.
They will occasionally make a meal that I buy the ingredients for.

A 17yo son who is looking for an apprenticeship after college didn't work out, in the meantime works part time and is really good with their money - saves up for things etc but is also used to being indulged regularly and ferried around.

He occasionally asks if I'd like him to do anything in the house, I usually say no but glad to be offered. He fairly regularly makes himself breakfast and will offer to make for others.
He also gets £50 a week "pocket money". He got driving lessons for Christmas.

They all have a lovely attitude, there's never any rudeness or disrespect, we all get on well, very loving and affectionate.

Indeed - a martyr is what I've become and it just breeds negativity within me.

Time for a family meeting op.

Whoever holds the wooden spoon speaks and the rest listen.

Not today as they’ll be hung over and grumpy but tomorrow. Tell them what you have said here that you love them but you feel enough is enough and you are getting resentful.

Get a massive piece of paper and list every single task that you do and stick it up on the kitchen door.

Have another massive piece of paper divided in to columns with the names of your dc at your he top of each column.

Say it’s time these tasks get shared, any volunteers?

Fill some of yours in.

Then match each task to each person’s column.

Then it’s there in b&w.

Alongside the above, make sure you step back and live your life. Bring lots of your friends home op. Re-claim your space. Invite a book or hobby group to meet at your house regularly. You and your dh start having friends over. Don’t make it so convenient for them and their gfs and bfs to be at home and lounge about!

It's your fault. You have made them into inadequate adults.

Start doing your job as a parent, get them doing chores, teach them!

I've stated that from the opening post @JoyousPinkPeer - I know it's my own doing, I have the awareness of where it's come from, how it's evolved and now I'm taking action to adjust it.

Ironic that your DD is the worst one Op. Letting her live with you for no money may be one thing but no way should her BF be there half the week for free, that's not teaching them to stand on their own feet. Did she ask if he could stay or did it just happen?

Blimey, they don’t half have a cushy life!
Time to sit them down together and sort it out now.
Get yourself a weekly rota / organiser board (Amazon has loads).
Once a week, sit down together to fill in who’s home for meals, who’s cooking, who’s cleaning up. Make a meal list and shopping list to cover it. Anyone who has a friend staying over has to contribute more to the pot to cover their costs.

Then organise a cleaning rota. Make sure you’re clear what you expect the cleaning to look like - rather than just ‘clean the bathroom’, make it clear it includes the bath / shower / toilet / mirrors / floor etc. For the kitchen after a meal tell them what you expect it to look like when it’s done.

Decide how much keep each person pays you. Having wage earners live rent free is not doing them any favours. Even a token amount is important. Why on earth are you giving your DS17 £50 a week ‘spends’ when he has a job?

Please stop being a mug!

The boyfriend pays substantial rent at "home" too because his mum struggles to pay.

I wish I could turn back the clock and get these things in place earlier, but then I often think it isn't fair to charge these two when their big sister didn't pay.

I'm doing them a disservice not equipping them for real life

The 17 yo gets the £50 a week as that was to cover bus fares and meals at college, it's still in place until he has something more concrete/is earning more.

@Soontobe60 they do have it cushy. My childhood was so the opposite - never looked after or "pampered", not always clean, often cold and often hungry and regularly unsafe, exploited and unprotected.

I'm proud of breaking the cycle, of providing a safe, warm, loving home with stable parents but I have shot too far the other way and can really see now that this way is potentially harmful/not in their best interests.

I have compassion for myself for ending up here but also have a responsibility to sort it out now it's come to light so much.

Hopefully I can do it and it's not too late !

I'm so sorry @doormatrevolution but the pre dog walk did make me chuckle. I'm soft as grease with dd but not that soft (yet)

Yes you are /have been too soft and mollycoddling . On the other hand you sound like a lovely,generous and caring mum!

OP, I have a friend like this but 10x worse! It's more financial (they cook, do chores but expect her to pay for everything, even the 2 kids with good jobs). The things she enables are crazy. Hers comes from being a people pleaser, abusive dad, married to an abusive man. We try and speak sense to her, she nods but never takes the advice. This leaves her 4 kids bleeding her financially dry.
So the fact you are taking this all on board is a good start.

I had to report my post as so outing (and mortifying )

Definitely a new low!

You've got some really good ideas now and you definitely need to get them to pitch in to the discussion of how they can do more around the house.

I would also add though, that if they are doing a chore then to an extent they get to do it their way. They may leave their laundry for a fortnight. If they do, you must let them do that.

Before my son moved out (when he was 22, after a few months back at home after graduating) it used to suit us if I cooked the evening meal most nights and he cleared, though sometimes we alternated. It was up to him when he did the washing up and often he did it after I was in bed. That was his choice and it wasn't for me to nag him to get it done before I went to bed.

Thanks so much for this post and replies, exactly what's been on my mind too. My DSs are early / mid teens and my getting them involved with chores etc used to be good when they were at primary but has really slipped - think I'm trying to hold onto that sense of connection and nurturing by doing stuff for them. Know it needs to change but at a bit of a loss how to do it - loads of good suggestions here. I also think it would be helpful for me to sit down and kind of mentally reframe and clarify my idea of who I am and what I do as a (single) parent - feels like suddenly they're older and I haven't caught up, and not quite sure what to do with myself. Going to do that now with a coffee while they're still in bed!

I think it’s more economical for washing clothes and cooking evening meals all together. My son 20 enjoys cooking and so will often knock up a meal. He keeps his bedroom tidy. Op, new year new rules are needed.

Also placemarkinh here

@doormatrevolution , I think you have done a fantastic thing for your children to let them live a carefree childhood. I was like you, my childhood wasn’t ideal (latchkey kid until age 11, regularly making my own meals from age 8, then sent to boarding school at 11 (not the posh kind, the in desperate need of repair kind!) so was never really mothered. As a result I went completely the other way with my children. There is a big age gap between my two, so I have been lucky in that I have seen the effects on my eldest and have tweaked my approach with my youngest accordingly.

There is definitely a happy medium between doing everything, and couching jobs as helping-even at 21 and 8 my dc’s respond much better to me asking if they could help me/do me a favour by putting that in the dishwasher as I can’t right now because I’m doing xyz for them than if I outright say “could you put that in the dishwasher please”. I think they like to think they are helping me.