Help me stick to my resolution to stop being a doormat to my kids

[doormatrevolution]

I'm starting to resent my adult and teen kids and it's my own doing.

They are great kids , lovely human beings , kind and caring.

But I've indulged them too much and not expected enough.

They don't do chores except very occasionally.
We have three dogs - never walk them.

I do all shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry.

I give regular lifts or pay for taxis.

I practically run a hotel for their partners.

They leave mess around, rarely tidy up after themselves.

More and more I'm feeling resentment and sometimes rage but I express none of it to them.

They think I'm just the best, do so much for them, laid back, easy going and supportive.

Inside sometimes I want to scream but like I say, I know it's because I haven't instilled boundaries and expectations when they were growing.

How do I go from where we are to relieving the resentment but without dropping a bomb or going beserk.

Some good boundaries to start with ?

Could you frame it as a NY resolution kind of thing, let them know you are aware you have let it slip for a while and get them in a discussion where they can choose jobs/opt for a rota/see what suggestions they all have?

The agenda/clear outcome of the family meeting being that they all agree to do something - but the specifics being hashed out with their involvement, so it doesn't feel like it's forced on them with no input at all.

Frame it as not only helping you, but also helping them learn skills for house sharing or having their own place later on. Make sure you include in the initial meeting, what will happen (again - get them to make suggestions) if people don't stick to their end of the bargain.

I think you can make it jokey and lighthearted but still seriously get the point across. Especially if DH is in on it all too.

@Fififizz mine comes from the same place and you're right, I'm always on red alert. The response to my childhood was always to appease and please and it's still very much my default.

Ditto following! Fantastic DC, never put a foot wrong, never given me any trouble…but omg! Domesticated they are not 😢

A family meeting is required! You tell them you've made a huge mistake - they look worried and then you tell them the huge mistake was letting them get away with all this for so long. List all the things you do for them. List all the things they do like leaving rubbish around the house for you to collect. Ask them whether they think this is acting in an adult way or in a loving way.

Sounds to me like you value their opinion of you more than you value your home and peace.

you are sacrificing your happiness, rest and peace for them to have a positive opinion of you. Stop.

they won’t love you less because you gently put boundaries in place and have perfectly reasonable expectations from other capable adults.

I would start with an open conversation. Don’t make it personal. “Hey guys I have been reflecting on the last year and have decided the division of labour needs to shift up a gear from you. How could we make this work so it is fair on everyone who is here and I have a bit more consistent help?”

Thats really sad. Do you mind if I ask how old they were?

Same here but not so much with chores as two of my young 20 and adult 27 don't live here now however they are still very much around.

They are amazing beautiful polite adults and I love them with all my heart but they are too indulged with money sometimes.

Literally any issue just call mum shel help pay etc etc,meals out or coffees out,always mum and always expected now.

Heard from younger dc that the eldest was moaning saying the youngest gets more than they did at Theo age blah blah however said adult child has cost me in excess of £4000 this year for various things needing help with so will be reminding them of that.

And I'm going to be telling them all bank of mum is now shut because I realise I'm working more hours a week than them some weeks and yet I'm still funding them.
Time they stood on their own now

Family meeting and ask them to help you adjust to letting them, and then encouraging them, to adult.

Ask them for ideas and suggestions.

Ask them to yell at you for offering and say no.

Ask them to write a list of what you arent going to do and they are going to do..so its in black and white and stuck on the fridge and everyone knows who is doing each job, so that you dont accidentally do it…

Ask them to train you….then grit your teeth and follow their lead for a bit.

If they are good kids, they will step up to help you and in doing so, help themselves,

@doormatrevolution maybe my approach is a bit extreme. But the way you say you feel pressure at mealtimes isn't healthy for you.
Your kids and their partners would feel terrible if they knew how they made you feel like that. They don't want you to feel that way x

DD is 15, when she has friends round for dinner I ask her what she wants to cook and get the supplies then she and her friends take over the kitchen, put some music on and make themselves (and me) dinner. They all seem to enjoy it. I'd stop performing for the partners and get the adult children to cater on those nights.

I think pets should be looked after by parents, after all we chose to get them and they need looking after, but Yanbu on the other stuff

I think you tell them straight- Youve Done too much,too often for to long. They NEED t learn independent life skills. As of now.Pull full "supernanny"type schedule -its not optional. shopping,meal prep,cooking,cleaning,laundry,etc.

Yes, when you realise it’s not a nice feeling. We jump in to keep the peace and it’s a self defence mechanism learned from a previous time. Mine’s younger but I can see the direction of travel as I do more and more and am appreciated less and less and reciprocal behaviour doesn’t exist! Our old dog died and much as I’d love another one for myself my current mantra is I’m not taking on anything else until I get some help with things around the house. It seemed easier to keep doing everything to keep the peace but it’s unfairly impacting my wellbeing now.

Same for me. It’s so difficult. I wanted my children to have the best childhood possible - free from chores. They have the rest of their lives to have responsibilities. It just gets a bit much sometimes!

That's a great resolution and one I'm going to adopt.

The biggest part of being a doormat for me is financial boundaries, I'm going to have a drop in income from Jan so that needs to change.

DD can be good around the house sometimes but I'm going to get her to cook at least once a week for us and clean the bathroom after she showers!

I think this is going to be like parenting when they were little and trying to play you off against each other, your DH is going to need to be 150% behind you on this and going through and reinforcing the we are a team message/getting it done/ensuring they don't get disrespectful/telling partners this isn't a bloody hotel.

You need to undo years of training that you are their skivvy

This means starting to talk and asking for / insisting upon help and allocating tasks

they will resist - why wouldn’t they? You’ve made it so easy for them for so long. But if you are persistent things can change

Research shows it is good for children to have chores from the earliest age possible - it builds their confidence and initiative

It sounds like you need to keep this thread going Op, there's lots of posters in your position, maybe you could be a mutual support group?

What worked with our teens was talking about them getting the skills to live i dependently before they left home and building this up. Laundry show them how to do it then it’s up to them to do own.

Each person in family gets an evening a week to cook. Give them some autonomy and the fun bits too ie don’t just tell them what to do make them responsible for choosing what to eat, buying it and clearing up. Other nights they are free.

Make them responsible for clearing up their own mess by having boxes at the bottom of the stairs with each person’s name on. Surfaces have to be kept clear downstairs or stuff chucked in box.

Arrange some good things for you to do with DH or friends so you are out more and they have to step up. Be more unavailable. You will start to feel better when you feel you are pulling together as a family.

I’ve just read Miranda Hart’s new book which has a lot about people pleasing recommend it OP. Good luck. Your kids will be better off for feeling competent and treated like adults long term.

I have bags on initiative thank you … but also some resentment from my childhood and I left home for uni and never went home.

I wanted something different for my children.

I have 3 lovely, independent, well adjusted, university age young people in my life who are all very capable of looking after themselves whilst away from home and manage part time jobs when home since the age of 16.
I know it’s my fault that they seem to forget how to use the washing machine when they get home (but also it’s more economical to do one family wash per day, overnight when we have cheaper electricity - they do put their clothes in the dirty basket) and I enjoy nothing better than us all sat around the dinner table together. I do ask for help and they will help.

I guess the answer is balance!

I feel SUCH a sense of optimism

A. From not being alone with this
B. All of the advice
C. Nobody telling me I'm an idiot

Thank you!

I'm more determined than ever after a shit nights sleep with them all coming home from NYE celebrations.

I will NOT be making them all breakfast this morning !!

@Pandersmum Yes!! Balance is my aim - i still want to be a lovely, nurturing Mum, I feel "full up" and content when they're all around me and I enjoy feeding them and being there for them. I'm a long way off balance at the moment through !

Although I'm on a bloody roll here ! Daughter just asked for a lift to a restaurant for her and her boyfriend and I said I am not going anywhere, I'm too tired from broken sleep !

@Hollyhocksandlarkspur so many good ideas, thank you. I'm definitely going to get them each a laundry bin and be the first "independent task" of do your own laundry. I can see there's an element of letting go of control here though , I'm used to getting it done, getting it folded and out of my way !

@Daleksatemyshed yes! I'd love this to keep going as a support group for others trying to make these changes.

OP- you’ve been too soft. Now you have to be ruthless, even though they won’t like it. Display a rota, stick to it. They’ll hate it. It’s tough love. I hope other mums who mollycoddle their children act now before it’s too late!

Exactly this.

Op, honestly it's not that hard just stop doing things around them and set the rules, especially for the adult ones. If they lived in a shared accommodation they would have to do their share of work. So, if they don't like your rules they can moved out.