Found pregnancy test wrapper in DD bin

[WorrriedTemporarynamechanger]

My DD19 is home from uni for Christmas. A few hours ago she left to spend two days with her boyfriend over New Year. I thought I would take the opportunity to do a quick clean up- dirty washing, glasses, quick clean of en suite.
Whilst cleaning the en suite, I emptied the bin and found the wrapper for a pregnancy test. I cannot see the actual text in the bin I emptied. I am really worried. Surely you only keep positive pregnancy tests not negative ones. She is not due home till Wednesday or Thursday. I can't talk ti her about it whilst she is away but am so worried. What would you do?

Did I miss a post? We've no idea what contraception they're using and what the circumstances are. It's long past time for such a chat with the DD and if the DD can buy a pregnancy test kit, she's capable of sorting her own contraception - and relationship - without her mum getting involved to that extent.

Don't say anything. If she's pregnant, she'll tell you soon enough. If she isn't, it's all good.

I got pregnant at 19 while at uni. My now-husband and I became independent pretty quickly (out of necessity) - there's a lot of student finance support for young parents, now-DH took a part time job, we were eligible for some benefits. Was it ideal or planned? Absolutely not, but DD is 10 now and it was the making of us. We both graduated on time, top of our class, and wouldn't change a thing.

You do nothing, and if she wants to speak to you she will.

If it's positive and she keeps the baby then you'll find out soon enough.

If she chooses to terminate that's her business and you should never mention it unless she chooses to tell you.

If it's negative then there's nothing to worry about.

I think you overstepped by even going into her room at all. She's only away 2 nights, going in and cleaning / emptying bins is not on. Leave the bin as it was, say nothing, and wait.

You'll only piss her off and break her trust in you if you leave the bin emptied / message her about what you found.

Unlike the other posts I would just tell her I was emptying the bin and found the box and ask the pertinent question

Stop there!! You're bolting ahead worrying about finances with a baby and she may have just binned a negative test outside for privacy. Don't go looking.

Either way please say nothing.

She's not a schoolgirl, she's an adult.

Doesn't matter what her finances are, in terms of maturity and decision making she is an adult and she will feel far more comfortable dealing with anything that needs dealing with also coming to you if she wishes if you respect her privacy.

Hold back. If she's pregnant and keeping the baby, you'll find out when she is ready. No hints, no comments. If she isn't either way then just be an approachable mum without mentioning this.

Keep your bloody gob shut. If she is pregnant and she isnt happy she will take a trip to the termination clinic. Nothing to do with you. How would you feel if your mum knew intimate things about you before you even processed things yourself. Your already trying to guilt trip her with I do this I do that I give this she isnt stable etc. Seriously back the fuck of its nothing to do with you until she wishes to discuss things with you.

Have decided to say nothing and put some of the rubbish back in bin. If it's positive we will know in due course. I still feel there is a difference between a 'real' adult who is financially independent, makes their own decisions and is autonomously responsible for own life and a financially completely dependent student who would not be able to live away from home or drive a car unless parents are paying. But agree in terms of relationships a 19 year old is an adult.

I think you’ve come to the right decision. She’ll talk to you when she’s ready to. She either has something to say or there’s nothing…. Either way it’s a life lesson for her

Sorry OP but it's none of your business. If it was positive, chances are she'll have a termination and carry on with her studies. She'll come to you if she needs advice but until then, pretend you didn't see it.

I agree.

Christ all these people saying none of OPs business and she shouldn’t be in her room etc, do you actually have DDs that age!

It absolutely is her business if she’s financially supporting her DD. And it’s normal in my house to pop into DDs rooms for a quick clean or grab some glasses etc.

Even if she does end up with a baby and financially independent I bet she’d rely on OP doing some childcare. Add in the fact it’s a fairly casual relationship by the sounds of it and yes id be very worried.

Plus the fact she still lives in her house apart from uni!

Why are you assuming (and panicking) she is going to expect you to fully bankroll a baby and its ongoing upbringing just because you are supporting her at uni? They are not the same thing. Does she have form for expecting Bank Of Mum and Dad to cover all expenses in all circumstances?

I had my first baby at 18 and I didn't ask my parents for a penny.

She will also get a better student loan if she has a dependent and will likely be seen as 'independent' of parents due to being a parent herself for student loan purposes. Until this hypothetical 'maybe baby' is almost due to arrive, nothing about her financial needs whilst at uni changes so no further cost is incurred to you.

Shit happens, things change. She won't be the first person to have gone to uni, got pregnant and made it work. People get places to live all the time, she doesn't have to live at home, this is the arrangement now but if she has a baby arrangements can be changed.

Does she have form for expecting Bank Of Mum and Dad to cover all expenses in all circumstances?

In a word - yes!

She might want to have a termination and doesn’t want you knowing
it’s not because you’re giving g her money for Uni you’re entitled to know more about her private life.
If she is pg and keeps the baby, you’ll know soon enough

But how does that fit with the OP asking her now? It won't prevent the pregnancy if there is one, and it's not exactly the stage to be considering childcare.

The OP is making the right decision. Sit tight.

Whatever contraception they used, if any, clearly didn't work, did it? That's why they need to reconsider what's happening. A baby would be disastrous for the OP's daughter - less so for the long-gone boyfriend.

She IS an adult ... the fact that you have kindly chosen to help her financially during her education does not change that. As an adult, and if she is pregnant, she will make her own decisions. At some point that might involve a discussion with you, but until or if that happens I do not think you can do or say anything. And please try not to worry. Whatever happens it will work or somehow.

Out not or.

I think it’s a weird place when they are at Uni.
Adults that make their own decisions but still somehow ‘teens’ dependent on mum & dad

Giving them their independence is hard in those circumstances if you know they’re still reliant on you. But you can’t parent them and avoid huge mistakes like you use to.

Ot gets better as they move into 2nd and 3rd year. In the mean time there is a lot of sitting tight

Not sure you should be rummaging through the bin of an adult, whether it’s your daughter or not.

That's your choice and your doing though. She is getting far more than the majority, it's no surprise she expects

That’s a conversation you can have with her when/if she comes to you.

She’s an adult and is still entitled to some privacy even if you give her money.

There are also several reasons she might have taken a pregnancy test without actually thinking she’s pregnant.
I had to check before I started some of my migraine and acne medications, and before I had the Mirena coil fitted.
I was also pretty paranoid so I tested whenever my period was late (even though I always used both condoms and hormonal contraception).
On one occasion I had a friend who wanted to do a test at my house (because she wanted moral support and ironically because she was worried about her mum searching through the bins).