Is this normal- teen screams and won't let me talk

[Flyhigher]

DD17 gets exhausted and then starts saying how exhausted she is and can't go to school tomorrow.

She has been packing in a lot

Mom Tues and wed lots of exercise

Back at 9pm each night.

I start to try and say maybe cut back a bit.

She screams. Shut up shut up.

And screams till I go quiet.

I feel so controlled by her

This is not normal is it?

Or is it?

My sister and mum do the same at times.

Is this normal? Do other teens do this?

My worst nightmare is not being allowed to talk and express myself.

Ironically she says that I don't allow her to express herself

She does all the time. She literally abuts me up with aggression.

I never do that to her.

Is this normal?

She's saying I'm autistic and dont understand emotions.

That just not even close to true.

She wants to vent. I guess I came in too quickly.

But her aggression is off the scale.

But it's the exact same thing every few months.

She never learns.
Drives me insane.

When people want a moan they often don’t want others to suggest things to fix it, it’s frustrating. They just want a moan and a sympathetic ear.

But screaming at you is OTT. I’d tell her it’s not acceptable and she can walk off if she wants but not to scream at you.

No, it’s not normal op. No help but hopefully someone will be along soon x I will say teenage hormones are a nightmare (I have 2 teen boys, one, who went shouting sometimes makes me feel sorry for him as he seems like he can’t believe he’s doing it). Do you get on some of the time or not at all?

Comff

sorry I said hopefully someone will come along soon as I’d typed it but not sent!

It's definitely odd for her to be repeatedly screaming "shut up" at 17, that's a typical toddler response to boundaries or hearing something they don't like. Is your DD neurodiverse? Has she always been like this?

If she's NT she's very immature, sounds dysregulated and a bully. You're being bullied by your daughter, if it was me I'd come down on her like a tonne of bricks.

Your sister (presumably older than 17) and mum doing it is even more worrying. It’s not surprising that she would do this if your sister and mum successfully get their own way when they scream at you.

I absolutely hate the way she stops me talking in my own house / car.

I never did this to my parents as a child.

Any teen psychologists out there say why she does this?

It's not normal but it sounds as though it has been normalised in the wider environment your daughter lives in.

People do tend to unconsciously absorb the "norms" of their immediate circle so your daughter won't be as inhibited about behaving in this way as most neurotypical 17 year olds.

Obviously there's always two sides to everything and in most parent - teen conflicts both parents and children need to change their behaviour to some extent.

I have three teenagers - we should have high expectations and they'll live up to them BUT we also have to model the behaviour we want and not expect more empathy and consideration from our teenagers than we model and give them. We're the adults so we have to model being reasonable and reflective and apologising when we get it wrong.

Easier said than done of course but I do think the biggest cause of parent- child conflict is unthinkingly expecting children to be "the bigger people" who always consider our dignity and feelings whilst not going to the same lengths for them. Most parents say they'd "do anything for" their children but they mean materially - not things like admitting we were wrong or genuinely listening.

Obviously teenagers are often unreasonable and it's really hard not to tell them what they should do to solve their problems, but it's often a matter of picking the moment and letting them vent and be comforted first.

My DD has not seen my sister do it or my mum.

But she has seen them be difficult.

My husband also has done it.

She's heard him say it. When he gets angry he says it.

But this was different.

She gets super controlling like an explosion of her stress and she can't be interrupted.

I think she is ND.

Coming down on her like a ton of bricks doesn't work.

None of that is normal - the screaming bit, and your mum and sister doing it too. Would you do that to a friend? No.
It’s not acceptable behaviour. There should be a consequence for her doing that to you.

This is all about you. Parenting doesn't work that way. Of course you need boundaries but you need to take responsibility for your own role because only by taking responsibility can you change anything. Behave towards her as you want her to behave but remember that teenagers are hard wired to be more volatile than adults.

If she's rude though tell her she's being rude and the conversation needs to stop until you both feel calm enough to talk without being rude. If in the car pull over where its safe if necessary.

If she is neurodiverse you need different strategies - punishment for emotional outbursts definitely won't work and will be counterproductive.

Generally for a neurodiverse teen you need to help her find strategies for overwhelm. A simple one would be to walk away or put headphones on. You would agree with her (at a calm time) that you will not be cross or call her out if she absents herself from any emotionally or communicatively overwhelming situations by walking away or putting headphones on, but will expect to talk about it kater when she's calmed down.

It's really not all about me.
Far from it! I am completely bullied by her.
She is not reasonable.

I have said sorry and helped her. A lot.

But she sees that as weakness. And then just does as she pleases.

She wants complete freedom but can't handle it.

She's been out till 9pm three nights and she can't deal with it.

Then shouts.

She is very stressed.

I don't think there is enough sympathy and appreciation for parents.

We do everything for them and they get to just demand more and more.

If I pull over in the car.
She explodes and would just get out.

The only solution she accepts is to acquiesce and go silent.

It's bullying.

This is not all about me at all.

I think it's far too much swung the other way towards teens.

They are excused for everything

You are stressed but this thinking comes across as disordered.

The post is 100% negative about your DD, very negative.

When she says she's tired, have you tried not offering criticism or advice?

You say you’ve apologised, you’ve tried to understand her, you’ve tried to placate her, to calm her, to reassure her.

Have you tried telling her to shut the fuck up herself and that you’re not sorry and she is hurting you?

OP, have you ever googled PDA and autism. Read the PDA society website if you haven’t already. This reaction to stress sounds very much like PDA. Other parenting strategies however well meant do not work for PDA, so ignore those for now perhaps and research into it. If your genetic family do this too then that might also be a clue.

She's 17. It's fine if she gets out. Unless there are additional needs you haven't told us about ahe can get herself home, or in the hopefully relatively rare situation that if you're somewhere that's not possible/ you know she has no money/card/phone with her then you simply wait her out.

You say yourself she's stressed. Forcing her to listen to something she doesn't want to listen to to the point she screams is very obviously not going to help either of you. You have to let her find a way to have some self control, and giving her room to walk away or absent herself by using headphones is the best and least complicated way.

You're her stable rock. You wait. Just wait her out. When she's calm, then you both talk - a two way conversation with ground rules that either of you can walk away for a five minute break if emotions / frustrations get too much and then resume the two way conversation.

So everyone in your family is rude and shouty with seemingly no consequences but you think it's society's fault?

Might be best to take a look at your family dynamics, parenting styles and perhaps your own boundaries and upbringing. I'm not sure you see the wood for the trees rn

She wants complete freedom but can't handle it. She's been out till 9pm three nights and she can't deal with it.

She's 17 though. It's pretty normal. What do you mean she "can't handle it"? Is she going to school? What would happen if you just left her to it?

You do sound a bit on her case about not much.

Also, she thinks you are ND but you think she is? Could it be both?

My DD has not seen my sister do it or my mum.
But she has seen them be difficult.
My husband also has done it.
She's heard him say it. When he gets angry he says it.

I think she seen other do this to you and has normalised it.

I don't accept being talked to like that - and have made that clear when they were kids to them and other adults by walking away or calming saying I beg your pardon- and they are teen they are very clear I won't be spoken to like that.

My teens do get stressed but manage not to scream at me.

When DD1 was little she needed quiet environment to clam down anything else made it worse - by 17 she could mange her behavior with many strategies.

Your DD could be ND - and struggling and you could read round some conditions to see -or she could be typical teen worried about something and lashing out or could be a teen who has learnt this is how you behave in your family.

Put her in her place its your home your rules end of.
Id scare her to the point id scare myself.
17 not a kid but not an adult either put your foot down.

This book is fantastic and very funny
‘Mum, What’s Wrong with You?’: 101 Things Only Mothers of Teenage Girls Know https://amzn.eu/d/7aUjbc4

I couldn’t empathise more, please don’t heed the judgemental statements above.

We are good and conscientious parents who have always talked to each other with respect and set and held reasonable boundaries. We are experiencing the same with our 12 year old. She will shout us down if she feels things are going anywhere outside of her ideal scenario for anything. She will shout ‘No’ before I’ve uttered a syllable and holds us all to ransom if she doesn’t get her way (going out of the window to a friends house, upending drawers, smashing mugs…)

on experience from a trusted councillor of teenagers in a private school, we are seeking support from school and suspect some kind of neurodiversity based on this advice and the advice of a youth worker. The doctor was pretty useless, but we will seek school monitoring and the opinion of a private paediatric psychiatrist.

please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need a judgement free ear. Sending hugs!