Is this normal- teen screams and won't let me talk

[Flyhigher]

DD17 gets exhausted and then starts saying how exhausted she is and can't go to school tomorrow.

She has been packing in a lot

Mom Tues and wed lots of exercise

Back at 9pm each night.

I start to try and say maybe cut back a bit.

She screams. Shut up shut up.

And screams till I go quiet.

I feel so controlled by her

This is not normal is it?

Or is it?

My sister and mum do the same at times.

Is this normal? Do other teens do this?

My worst nightmare is not being allowed to talk and express myself.

Ironically she says that I don't allow her to express herself

She does all the time. She literally abuts me up with aggression.

I never do that to her.

Is this normal?

She's saying I'm autistic and dont understand emotions.

That just not even close to true.

She wants to vent. I guess I came in too quickly.

But her aggression is off the scale.

But it's the exact same thing every few months.

She never learns.
Drives me insane.

This was my thought too - sounds like PDA

My sister and mum do the same at times.

Family dynamics.

Take a BIG step back and refuse to engage. Must be exhausting.

Thanks. I think she's definitely ND.
I think maybe a lot of family members are too.
Think sister and mum and husband are.

It's a reaction to stress.

I'm so used to it with husband.

Hard boundaries don't work. They just rail more against it.

Or at least the strength you need to enforce them is so excessive as to be impossible to actually enforce.

And I was not a weak person.

They are all breaking me.

It feels like competitiveness.

It feels like thinking brain is off. Competitive brain on.

No one cares about people anymore. Just a fight for supremacy.

Weakest loses.

And I lose.

It's fight or die.

Not all DD are the same.

I was not like this.

It really is. Thank you.

My advice is don't have a baby at 40.

Hard to be a mum of a teen at 57.
Be very careful who you marry.
More importantly what their family dynamic is.

You do marry your in laws whether you see it or not.

Their relationship will affect you.
If it's bad. Then yours will be too.

@verycloakanddaggers
It's not disordered thinking
It's what's happening.
If you've never had someone be this mean to you, then that's wonderful.
But other people have. Doesn't mean it's disordered thinking.
If DD was behaving brillantly I'd say it.
Unfortunately she isn't. It's not negative, it's unfortunately true. Wish it wasn't.

‘Mum, What’s Wrong With You?’ Conversations with Teens Me: Can you shut the kitchen drawers after you’ve used them, please. I keep bumping into them. Her: Nagging. Is that what your day job is? That’s the job you do, is it? Nagging me. All. Day. Long. I can’t cope with you, Mum. It’s too much. If you keep nagging me, I just won’t do it. Can I have ketchup and gravy with that mash? What? Why are you looking at me like that? What’s wrong with you?

🤣🤣🤣

Ignore her. Leave the house if you must.

Don’t show it upsets you. Don’t respond, Walk away. Do less for her. She’s 17, if she’s rude to you don’t give her lifts, don’t iron her clothes.

9pm 3 evenings a week is not too much for the average teenager, she is 17.

I had left home at 16, and by 17 was in full time work with an active social life.
By 18 I was coming in at night well after midnight.

even at 13/14 I was coming home at 10.30pm ish and that was only due to the last bus.

If she does it to you in the car, pull over and do not continue driving until she gets out to walk or apologises. Sit there and wait. Everything else in your life can be set aside until you are safe to continue driving.

If she does it in the home, you need to remove privileges she seems to think are hers by right. Take down her bedroom door, for instance. Stop doing her laundry. Stop paying for her phone.

And you need to tackle your abusive husband too.

Of course it's about you. Your sister, mother, husband and child all scream at you. You're half of a lot of very dysfunctional relationships!

Your posts on here are odd. Very short punchy statements, emotional language, but unemotional in delivery, almost bot-like. Do you talk like that?

Teens need a lot of things, calm empathy and firm boundaries are my suggestion.

As soon as she shouts, turn away or walk away. Say that if she wants you to listen, she needs to communicate in a way that allows you to.

"When you shout, I don't hear your words, I just hear shouting. If you want to express yourself and have me hear you, you need to talk calmly"

"I'm not staying here to be shouted at. Come back to me when you can speak calmly"

I would just get one of those annoying high pitched sound things that only kids and teens can hear, and set it off whenever she starts screaming and stop it as soon as she stops.

Do not take down her bedroom door (especially if you genuinely believe, as you say, that she is on the autistic spectrum.). Obviously if she is neurodiverse it doesn't mean all her undesirable behaviour is due to that.

How awful for you. I’d wait until she is calm and having dinner and say if you ever scream over me again this will be a consequence. Deliver it calmly and deliver the consequence calmly too. Phone removal?

So what's the point of this thread op? What are you going to actually DO? You've been given loads of good advice and support. Now it's down to you.

Let her get out then. You don't have to give in to her demands

I am under severe stress and it's been going on for years now.
Looking for some hope and help.
Thanks for criticising my language too. Just what I needed right now. Had a teen criticising me viciously daily for 6 years now. So thanks!
Yes I'm in a difficult situation and wording it as best as I can. Maybe if you are being bullied you might do the same. Who knows.
I've been bullied for so long it's just survival.

Point is why do teens do their behaviour not why do I do short sentences.

How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk

Get Out of My Life:Get Out of My Life:Get Out of My Life:

You can try books like this - see if you can pick up tips.

However this behavior is something most parents nip in bud at much younger ages - a look or sound or verbal reminder - and also take care to model better behavior - you literally have years of "wrong" behavior to get past.

Other thing you are the adult here - you had agency your teen won't have had - blaming her for you being unhappy is very unfair and I wonder if she is really angry with you as you do come across as very negative and have been stressed for apparently last 6 years - a huge period of time in her life.

I think you may need to find RL support - maybe start with GP - and maybe think if its just you she has a problem with - does she get on okay with school/college/workplace other adults and environments.

Plus GP and educational institutes would also be the place to start for both of you if you really do think ND rather than other things affecting behavior like stress.

This is a good post but I am not sure the OP wants to listen. Possibly she just wants to vent and be validated, which is fine (but people never clearly state that so they get advice and suggestions which they rale against...)

It sounds very exhausting for you and you have reached the end of your tether. The behaviour has gone on for so long that it has become normal for her to speak to you like that. It will take a lot of work on your part and a lot of time to change how she treats you.

I would suggest reading “Untangled” which is great for explaining teen girls behaviour. Once you have identified some strategies that you think will work for you then you need to be consistent in the way you react eg if she is speaking rudely, calmly say I don’t tolerate being spoken to like that and walk away. You need to do this every time, don’t get drawn into arguments, leave the house if necessary. If nothing else, you can hold your head high and know you are modeling the correct behaviour.

You have the stay calm and hold boundaries. Do not shout back and you walk away. Teenagers are often selfish and do not see how hurtful they can be.