Is this normal- teen screams and won't let me talk

[Flyhigher]

DD17 gets exhausted and then starts saying how exhausted she is and can't go to school tomorrow.

She has been packing in a lot

Mom Tues and wed lots of exercise

Back at 9pm each night.

I start to try and say maybe cut back a bit.

She screams. Shut up shut up.

And screams till I go quiet.

I feel so controlled by her

This is not normal is it?

Or is it?

My sister and mum do the same at times.

Is this normal? Do other teens do this?

My worst nightmare is not being allowed to talk and express myself.

Ironically she says that I don't allow her to express herself

She does all the time. She literally abuts me up with aggression.

I never do that to her.

Is this normal?

She's saying I'm autistic and dont understand emotions.

That just not even close to true.

She wants to vent. I guess I came in too quickly.

But her aggression is off the scale.

But it's the exact same thing every few months.

She never learns.
Drives me insane.

I have skimmed some OP so apologies if I missed bits.

Your DD certainly sounds ND with a PDA profile to me. Your feelings are absolutely normal human responses. It's not about you, it's about the condition. I feel for your daughter too but you're posting here so I will direct my support here for you.

Parent's who have NT kids or kids who don't have a PDA type personality associated with Autism just don't comprehend what it's like. You can feel bullied by your own child. It can take an awful toll

I'm quite unwell now so have no capacity for this. At age 17 I'd happily stop the car and demand her exit and I would drive off. I would not hesitate because I only have so much capacity in me.

My teen just can't help so much. But I can't manage that and my capacity is now very low. With too much unnecessary shouting I will remove myself if child won't go out into the garden. I'vr also put 🎧 in and just ignored uneccessary rants. I've driven off and left them in the house alone for 10 minutes whilst I escape ( age 12 at the time).

Is there any possibility of her moving out soon? I appreciate this may be difficult with her extra support needs. You aren't a robot or someone's battering ram. It's a difficult situation and no one will comprehend it unless they are dealing with the same type of situation.

You are right.
I need to use humour. And bounce her out of it.
I get shocked by the intense emotion and how much she seems to hate her looks. I know it's common but it seems so harsh. She's stunning!
Her strong emotions knock me into a quick reaction saying she's gorgeous.
Bizarre because I can do it easily with other people harder with her. It catches me by surprise.

If I slightly agree she looks bad but offer a solution she shouts.
If I say she's gorgeous she shouts.
If I don't reply fast enough she shouts.
I have to react with humour fast. But it's hard.

She doesn't like me being funny either.
I have to be super fast immediate slightly funny and these outbursts come out of nowhere.

It's so hard.

I keep thinking at 17 she will calm down a bit.

Worst year with DD1 was 17 - she was sat on waiting lists that never moved for diagnosis - she since found out she has dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD - A-levels were hard for her - she wanted more independence but was also wanting to be a little kid at other times. Next child is less volatile but see similar - it's stress of high workload and uncertainly about next few years and need for independence. She wasn't screaming at me - as that wasn't tolerated - but she was a bit patronising bit sneering - they all can be especially round tech

It can be hurtful at times - luckily had supportive DH and other kids so knew it's not really "me".

As PP have said screaming at you when driving most parents I know would pull over given them chance to calm down - if they exit - given them 5 or 10 minutes to get over it and come back or drive off - they're 17 not babies and as long as it's not pitch black or on side of motorway they should be able to get around. I wonder if you infantize her and anger is her response.

Honestly this isn't a wider teenage problem this is very much a you and your DD problem - and at least half of that is your not normal reaction. PP mention you having a trauma response and suggested counselling - and I think they had a good point and would suggest you look into that for both your sakes.

I think she's borderline, it's hard to know what is teen and what is stress and what is ND.
Certainly unless you have experienced it it's not easy to understand.
If she is ND (and maybe I am too) then it's minor.
But bloody hell it's taxing.

I think she's borderline, it's hard to know what is teen and what is stress and what is ND.
Certainly unless you have experienced it it's not easy to understand.
If she is ND (and maybe I am too) then it's minor.
But bloody hell it's taxing.

Then get her on waiting lists and look at private diagnosis in your area and see if you can afford it and do what most parents do in meantime often for bloody years read round the subject and start using parenting strategies that are suggested to work with those condition and see what helps.

I mean poor her - if she struggling though with a undiagnosed condition - life must be extremely hard and tiring - not even relief at home from demands either.

Thanks.
I think anyone forced to shut up in their own home/car would find it hard to take.
We had just arrived home when she shouted this time in the car.
On previous occasions dumping her in the dark on a road with just some light clothing on isn't that easy.

But yes I do need to enforce it. Calmly.

I have asked her to leave the car before.
But I was angry. She was so rude that day. And capitulated in the end to pick her up before the next appointment she had to go to.

But she shouts in the house a lot too.
I end up leaving my own house. I hate it. I feel bullied.

But yes. No one can do it but me.
I have to find the strength.

She's being quite nice these couple of days.
Boys are easier surely!!

She will not go for any tests. Absolutely not.
She would not under any circumstances.
If I even suggest it she will blow up and probably not speak to me for a month. So that's not an option.

I think it is all about humour and trying to figure out triggers.

It's exhausting. But then not working it out is also exhausting! So crack on.

Boys are easier surely!!

Different - as all teens are really my girls are very different - some of that ND some of it's personality.

Seriously if you think she has some ND - get on lists now as they are years long - in fact if she heading to Uni those tend to be quicker but she'd have to start those processes.

If there is pda as I understand it phrasing is very important - if it's something else there are other strategies - if it's stress look at ways of helping her manage - sports/walks - it may be why she doing so much exercise at minute it may be a coping strategy.

Rather than leave the house - is there not a room that you can go to - your bedroom/kitchen/office to wait the storm out - or noise canceling headphones or play music. If you can't stop the shouting then finding better way to deal with your reaction to it is another way forward.

Think there is some pda.
she hates demand words like we must do this ...
she often rails against that.
but maybe that's all teens too.
And I'm just not dealing well with it all.

So does she sees it as a you and her problem not a wider problem with her and the world ?

I don't see why you can't read round what you suspect and start using strategies to help - I also had to fight for tests for years and put in support at home - it's not easy but there was no one else to do it - and compared to other parents I still had it easier.

You seem very stuck in victim mode - that may be your past trauma or in may be exhaustion and I think seeing the GP and checking everything is okay with your health and seeking some counselling is your best way out of that.

Though is she going to Uni or moving out soon at 18 - that will herald a change and give you a break.

She's definitely using exercise as a stress release.

Her managing her stress seems like a good thing - and should probably not be negatively commented on.

If she says she tired just make some oh dear comments and tell her she need to go to lessons in college else she is disadvantaging herself if she misses them and leave it rather than offer "solution" of less exercise which would leave her more stressed.

Your solution wasn't going to work for her - and her making that clear by not wanting to hear it should not have been taken as a dismissal of you just the idea.

She could have handle it much better but you've been short with suggestions on here that won't work for you and you have time to respond on your side - it happens - frustration gets to us all. She should be more respectful expressing that frustration but I do pick my battels with teens and when they are really stressed cut them more slack that at other times.

She is doing 4 hours on a Monday and 4 hours on a Tuesday.
It's too much. She is exhausted. It's full on hardcore training. Then she gets back and can't sleep.
I merely commented that she needs to cut back a bit. She could do 2 hours a day. Not 4. Or 4 once a week. Then just normal gym. Which is 1.5 hiurs. Not 4.

Either she has a problem - and you need to step up and get her help as a responsible parent (Compulsive Exercise (For teens) )- or she is fine but you need some form of family therapy so you can actually communicate properly.

By 17 older two were at college - their time was pretty much theirs to manage with very basic and clear expectations were they had to attend all lessons and let us know if they weren't at family meals.

My current 17 year old often complains at being tried - they've always slept poorly ( may well be ND - ADHD again but no diagnosis yet ) I can and do offer advice which may or may not get taken - but often as not I'll throw it back at him - what can you do to change that - which is often a well go to bed not stay up to early hours - so you can follow with a well why aren't you doing that. The Explosive child book is full of examples like that - stuff we were already doing but could be useful to you.

She's done this amount of exercise before and it was too much.

It's dance training and the dance school are a bit excessive. In e she is there she goes full throttle.

Will look at the explosive child. Thanks.

Just read some of explosive child.
It's says focus on difficulties and skills lagging rather than behaviours.
Focus on helping build skills.
Make a big list of skills needed. And work on them break them down.
Makes sense. Hard work. But so is this.

I think I have to change almost everything I say and do.
And it's hard.

Or at least say firmly that she's screaming again and you are tired of it. And then leave her to it, until she can speak calmly. And possibly no funds or lifts to and from her activities until she's learnt to behave pleasantly. (I'm an ex-teacher: you can tell!)