DD’s friend completely ignores DH

[MotherOfOlafs]

Hi all just looking for a bit of advice really. DD15’s best friend is a nice girl, quite quiet but a really good friend to DD, they’ve been close since primary. She’s no trouble and we’re happy to have her round at ours whenever.

The only sticking point is that while she’s happy to chat to me she will go out of her way to ignore DH. As in point blank refuse to speak when spoken to. DH pretty much only says hello and asks how she is but she blanks him. It’s rude and uncomfortable.

I know this girl doesn’t like men (she lives with her mum and Nan and they live by the rule of ‘all men are pigs’), and DD has said she barely responds to male teachers, although she does have some male friends at school, although they’re not very close. So clearly this is just a general thing, not just directed at DH. I’ve spoken to DD about it and she said she’s spoken to her friend but ‘she’s just like that I guess’. So do we just put up with it? She clearly has her guard up and I don’t want her to do something that obviously makes her very uncomfortable so I’m not sure what to do really! Any ideas are welcome!

I mean you have no idea what the girl might have been through and why she might be uncomfortable speaking to any adult males. I would just leave her alone. I know it's not nice for your DH but I would not push it.

I'm sure your husband will cope

I would ask your husband to continue to say Hi XX, but not to ask her how she is or to try to initiate any other conversation. That way she doesn't need to respond but your husband doesn't come across as another "pig" and ignoring her. It might help her feel more comfortable.

Your husband is a grown man and can handle it. So should you. I am surprised that you think this girl should adjust herself, and I agree with the poster who says you have no idea what she has experienced.

Totally agree with first poster.

I think I’d be more concerned about the possibly sad reasons a generally quiet and well-behaved 15 year old appears to freeze/act completely out of character around men than whether your DH can cope with being blanked.

Well if the poor girl can barely bring herself to speak to her teachers, I don't think your DH should be taking it personally.
There is obviously a back story, whether it be hers, her mother's or her grandmother's. I don't think it's something you need to be get involved in.

I would agree with other posters and this could well be anxiety driven rather than rudeness. I would leave it, she sounds nervous of all men including your DH.

Yes I agree with the above posters. Just leave it.

I cannot believe all the excuses being made on here for the rude bad manners this girl is showing! Even if she doesn't like men she is just being plain rude by refusing to even say hello! I would not allow a child of mine to behave like that and i would be telling DD that she informs her friend to either learn some basic manners or she doesn't come round!

Take it from someone who’s been through it - a hello and a requirement to speak from some men leads to girls having to deal with things they really shouldn’t have to deal with. That refusal to speak may very well be her way of telling him to keep away in order to protect herself.

Yes, she’ll have to learn etc etc - she can do that in her own time and way.

Agree your husband will cope, you have no idea what's gone on in her life, she'll hopefully work it out.

I hated dads talking to me when I went to friends houses and I had a brother and dad who I lived with.

Just tell him to go about his business in his own home but not to talk to her.

Yes this and I imagine the replies 'my sons friend comes over and totally ignores me and only speaks to my dh'

Basic manners should be expected from everyone being female should not be an excuse

Its consistent with selective mute behaviour which can progress to complete muteness if dealt with as rudeness. I would not be impressed with my DH if he was making an issue out of this. This girl needs support not middle aged men expecting attention from teenage girls.

There are so many possible back stories for her that would explain this, and coupled with her difficulty even with male teachers shows this is much bigger thing than just your DH. I think I’d try to be mindful of whatever might have caused it and just encourage your DH to give her space and for you all not to push interactions, but to instead demonstrate a good man going about his business normally with normal other family interactions. Feels like the best you can do is demonstrate at distance how not all men are “like that”, even if there may well be good cause in her past for her to be wary.

Poor girl? it sounds like she's been brain washed by her mum and gran; all men are pigs?
She's going to find things difficult when she goes into uni or work if she ignores all men.
As per MN will justify any behaviour in women.

I agree with this approach. Yes, you and your DH should not push for a conversation but your DH does good by being nice to her and not completely ignore her. Greeting her as you would do with any other neighbour, without expecting anything back, as the pp says, is fine.
I agree that you are the adults and can see beyond her apparent rudeness (I agree it seems more of a freeze response due to potential PTSD). So, as with any other child with emotional issues: ignore the behaviour, not the child.
I would also add that I personally couldn't be fine with myself if I suspected a friend of my dd had lived potentially traumatic abuse. I'm not saying I know what I would do (I have no idea), but if that poor girl has lived what everyone here is thinking (and clearly her experiences have left her unable to function well) I don't think that everyone around her acting cool, as if what she does is normal, is going to help her at all.
Do you know if she has help? Is there a way to find out, a completely non intrusive and discreet way to find out?

Your DH thinks he is being polite to her by saying hello and asking how she is. He is not being polite to her because this greeting and question from him is unwelcome. She has made that clear and so has your DD. Why is your DH persisting?

I’d say what’s rude and uncomfortable is your DH continuing to push this when it’s clear that child does not / cannot speak to men.

As the grown ups, you should have the common sense to understand there’s likely a very traumatic reason for this behaviour rather than making it an issue about your feelings.

He should carry on giving her a friendly greeting and then let her be. It's not his fault but it sounds like it's not hers either.

Exactly what i was thinking!

I struggle to talk to men. It can go as far as complete muteness.

In my case it is because I was assaulted by my husband and I have a fairly uncontrollable fear reflex around them.

I'm usually ok in large groups or in public but situations similar to the one in which he assaulted me make me very anxious.

It is quite possible that she, her mum or her grandma have experienced being assaulted either physically or sexually.

I have had non epileptic fits and dropped unconscious as a result of this fear. It's not something I can control unfortunately.

I can't make basic manners override my fear.

@SnoopysHoose there's this thing where people are teens and then they grow up? Sometimes we cut them some slack when they're younger and allow that they still have learning to do and very likely their lives won't be marred by mistakes/ difficulties from their teen years?

Or maybe you don't. But perhaps you should.

It's your home and by not speaking to your husband she is being disrespectful. She may have some issues with men but by not addressing them, she is going to find life very difficult.