DD’s friend completely ignores DH

[MotherOfOlafs]

Hi all just looking for a bit of advice really. DD15’s best friend is a nice girl, quite quiet but a really good friend to DD, they’ve been close since primary. She’s no trouble and we’re happy to have her round at ours whenever.

The only sticking point is that while she’s happy to chat to me she will go out of her way to ignore DH. As in point blank refuse to speak when spoken to. DH pretty much only says hello and asks how she is but she blanks him. It’s rude and uncomfortable.

I know this girl doesn’t like men (she lives with her mum and Nan and they live by the rule of ‘all men are pigs’), and DD has said she barely responds to male teachers, although she does have some male friends at school, although they’re not very close. So clearly this is just a general thing, not just directed at DH. I’ve spoken to DD about it and she said she’s spoken to her friend but ‘she’s just like that I guess’. So do we just put up with it? She clearly has her guard up and I don’t want her to do something that obviously makes her very uncomfortable so I’m not sure what to do really! Any ideas are welcome!

Agree.

I have a relative like this and she's witnessed the most awful domestic violence. Dh says hi and just carries on with his day. She is uncomfortable around him but only last week she laughed at one of his jokes, so this thread is quite pertinent!

I'm a bit surprised you are even making this into a thing tbh

@Harvestfestivalknickers she's 15 ffs. The exact way she will grow out of this is by people like OP's DH modelling friendly calm behaviour and not making a big deal out of it.

Not speaking around certain people can be selective mutism caused by severe anxiety rather than an active choice.
Depending on what she's been through at home to make her mum have that mindset there could be a reason why.
Get your husband to speak collectively to both of them such as "hello girls" when he gets home, but avoid stressing her out with direct engagement given the situation.

Wow.

Sorry, no one comes to MY home and ignores MY family.

I agree with this.
I grew up with my mum and gran and found men intimidating for a long time (I really didn’t know that many well). However I would never have been allowed to shun someone or not even greet them politely. One day this girl will most likely work with men, have a male boss, have to deal with men in a bank, or similar and she needs to learn some basic manners. Nobody is asking for a full on chat, but would it kill her just to say ‘good morning/hello’.

I can be like this around men and boys (other than my partner) and I've no idea why- there's no reason for it that I know of- I even struggle with my sisters husband even though I get on with him, I tend to just go quiet. I'm ok with men that are quite a bit older than me normally, and better one on one than in groups.

I'd consider something like selective mutism and be sensitive to the fact she's probably not doing it to be rude or on purpose.

Well OP you can demand politeness in your home like some would and guarantee your DD loses a friend.

The posters here who are suggesting enforced politeness or trying to find out the family background are awful people.

No one can know what trauma that child has been through or what generational
trauma the family has had to
live with.
If you think the only reason a child would refuse to speak is rudeness you have led a very sheltered life.

Yes. And the ones banging on about manners are showing themselves up to be clueless about etiquette.

You are dealing with a child, and there are several clues that there may be something deeper/traumatic going on. Of course it very well might be that there's nothing going on other than plain rudeness. But any reasonable person concerned with politeness and kindness would probably err on the side of caution rather than indulge a grown man in getting the hump that a 15 year old girl doesn't want to chat with him.

And yes, it's true that not being able to engage with men is going to cause problems in this girl's future. I'm not sure that's an issue that OP is best placed to help with, and I don't think that's genuinely the root of the concern of OP or many of the PPs on this thread...

I'm very much in the camp of not allowing rude behaviour from children. However, all those saying this girl is rude is saying that a 15 year old girl who may have suffered physical, sexual and / or mental abuse from a man or maybe hasn't but has been brainwashed into fearing men from the influential women in her life should just "get over it", whilst they are in YOUR house because YOUR feelings are more important. We have been given background info that this poor child has had a traumatising upbringing so it's not just that the child is being rude, there is a reason and there is no reason to traumatise her further by forcing her to interact with a male she doesn't know. The OP's husband now has a good opportunity to show that men can be understanding by not trying to force her to interact with him and can show her that a man can be in the same vicinity without being threatening.

I can’t believe this is being normalised and excused. No, there is no excuse for being so incredibly rude to someone who is being polite to you. I wouldn’t give a shit that her mum and nan think men are pigs, you treat people with respect whatever your gender. And yes it’s hard being a teenage girl etc but if she manages to communicate with her male teachers then she can bloody well learn some manners and say hello to your DH. I’d actually be tempted to pull her up on it every time she ignores him and tell her it’s exceptionally rude to ignore people when you are a guest in their house.
How the hell will this girl cope at university or in the world of work or just generally in the world? And not everyone who thinks men are pigs has been through unspeakable trauma.

We haven’t been told about any traumatic upbringing, just that her mum and nan believe all men are pigs. So did my aunt and it was because her husband left her and she couldn’t get over it. It sounds like Estella from Great Expectations where this girl has been brainwashed by her bitter female relatives.

All these people demanding manners from a 15 year old are clearly very naff and suburban. My upbringing taught me not to draw attention to people who were socially awkward. Just be yourself and don't expect them to fit in with your norms, make sure they have a lovely time if they are a guest.

Apart from being naff, it's also incredibly insensitive.

So how would you handle this? Tell this girl that she should address your husband if you were in OPs circumstances?

Demanding politeness does not often work. A grown man who is not a pig will cope. It seems some women cannot cope however.

This is what I was trying to get at, but you've put it far better than me!

@Startinganew32
This is not normalised, as no one is saying the situation is normal.
It's unusual, and so should be treated as such. There is exactly one timid, seemingly traumatised child.
Anyone should be able to put their demands of respect up their own arse for a second. No?

She's obviously had bad experiences of men. I don't think anyone should demand anything of another person, but least a grown man and a potential vulnerable teen girl. Whilst it isn't nice to be ignored, it doesn't seem personal and I would encourage your dh to continue with a brief 'hello' then leave it there. Be an example of a man who is not pushy.

In what way does she seem traumatised? There’s no suggestion of this. It’s more likely that her mum and grandmother have put ideas in her head and presumably the gran put ideas into the mums head too.

Is being brainwashed in childhood not a trauma then?

And it still doesn't matter WHY the poor child struggles to speak to male teachers, (as mentioned in the OP) and can't bring herself to address the OP's husband, the fact of the matter that a 15 year old girl can't do it. Do you really think that if she goes to a friend's house and someone pulls her up for being "rude", it will change her and she'll apoligise and suddenly get chatty? Or do you think it's more likely she will not go round to her friend's house anymore and will get more and more isolated if all her friends' parents take the same approach? Then all she has is the brainwashing influence of her mum and nan and that's not helping her is it? Surely it's better for the OP's husband to just gently show her that men are okay.

I know which I think is a more helpful approach for her long term mental well-being!

Amazing ideas about girls being forced to handle the mistakes or needs of adult men and women. Leave the child be; one day hopefully she will get some kindness from adults rather than demands

Wow what a mixed bag of responses! Just wanted to make something clear, DH doesn’t initiate conversation with DD’s friend, he simply greets her as she comes in the door, he would never entertain anything more, another of DD’s friends is extremely chatty and often chats with both me and DH when she’s here so I think he might’ve been confused by that. Like I said I don’t want to make a big thing about it, neither does DH, just wondered about others thoughts on the matter really

It's not all about you OP!
You've already answered your own question in your OP.
Have some sympathy and understanding of the girl.

I'm sure a grown man can cope with the trauma of a 15 year old girl not speaking to him.
I mean, what are you going to do? Ban her from the house? Stand over her demanding that she speaks to your husband? Chuck her out if she can't squeak out a hello?