DD’s friend completely ignores DH

[MotherOfOlafs]

Hi all just looking for a bit of advice really. DD15’s best friend is a nice girl, quite quiet but a really good friend to DD, they’ve been close since primary. She’s no trouble and we’re happy to have her round at ours whenever.

The only sticking point is that while she’s happy to chat to me she will go out of her way to ignore DH. As in point blank refuse to speak when spoken to. DH pretty much only says hello and asks how she is but she blanks him. It’s rude and uncomfortable.

I know this girl doesn’t like men (she lives with her mum and Nan and they live by the rule of ‘all men are pigs’), and DD has said she barely responds to male teachers, although she does have some male friends at school, although they’re not very close. So clearly this is just a general thing, not just directed at DH. I’ve spoken to DD about it and she said she’s spoken to her friend but ‘she’s just like that I guess’. So do we just put up with it? She clearly has her guard up and I don’t want her to do something that obviously makes her very uncomfortable so I’m not sure what to do really! Any ideas are welcome!

Sorry, this. Your DH might be the nicest guy in the world but he isn't owed a conversation. And if he was a decent person he'd accept he doesn't know the full story and not take it personally.

It’s literally just ‘hi, you ok’. I don’t consider that conversation, to me it’s merely an informal greeting. But yes I agree with what you’re saying.

It's obvious this girl has been brainwashed as her nan & mum have taught her this. Poor kid, what a way to ruin your child. And there's absolutely no excuse for being rude.

Leave her be. When I was a child I was mildly alarmed by some of my friends' fathers - mainly because back then men were out all day and chased all the random kids out when they got home from work, so I considered them downers. But also the ones who cracked jokes and tried to interact (nothing weird) just freaked me out. In general I didn't want to chat with any of my friends' parents, and many of my son's friends are exactly the same. So I just leave them to it (gladly!).

That doesn't really need a response, does it? I don't see why it bothers you enough to start a thread.

I can't imagine what she or her family must have gone through.

It's not your job to make or require her to change how she copes.

Your daughter's friendship must mean so much to her.

Nurture and encourage that - and suggest your husband keep his distance.

This is not about him, or how he and you might feel about it.

I was like this at 15, and it was due to domestic violence at home. I was absolutely terrified of men and had selective mutism with them as a result. I didn't know that at the time, though it's obvious to me now. I'm sure I encountered people who thought I was terribly rude. But I didn't do it on purpose. I couldn't control it. I was physically unable to talk to the majority of men outside the home and that included fathers of friends on the odd occasion I had to deal with them. It was utterly crippling for me socially and what I needed was sympathy and support, not a bollocking from the mother of a friend who thought I needed to be taught a lesson. I got enough of that at home. It had started in early childhood when it was just dismissed as shyness. I can see now that it was far more than that.

I couldn't go to the till in a shop if there was a man at the counter. I didn't have any male teachers to deal with, fortunately. I once walked five miles back home because I couldn't ask the male bus driver for the ticket I needed that day. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was in my twenties because I couldn't talk to boys my own age.

I mostly got over it after I left home, but it took years. It's not something that you can just get over. Try having a dog bite your face and then, when you're naturally afraid of dogs afterwards, being told to just get over it.

OP, I would ask your husband to say a kind hello to her and leave it at that. Don't ask her how she is or for anything that requires conversation because if she can't manage it, it's utterly humiliating.

Exactly this!

It sounds like selective mutism and she cannot help it.

Keep getting him to say hello and not asking questions.

He can say things to both of them like, there are sweets in the cupboard or have a think what you want for tea and then let me know (DD can then talk to her and tell him).

I have got mute children to eventually say things to me but sometimes it can take years.

It’s not rude.
And she feels much more uncomfortable than your or DH does.

Compassionate response there.

Good on her 😂

Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate your reply 🫶

Or, she witnessed her dad or uncle threaten her mum or nan with a knife or gun, say? Or experienced it herself?

Why assume brainwashing?

men are not allowed to sit next to children in airplanes, no sleepovers if there is a man in the house, men should not be working in daycare, men shouldn't be in the playground with their children, No playdates with dad's etc. I feel this distrust is quite natural when they grow up.

It sounds like this girl and her family have bad experiences with men. While yes, it is rude but your husband shouldn't take it personally.

I agree that the best thing to do is for your DH to continue to say hello without asking her any questions that she feels pressured to respond to. It might make her slowly start to feel more comfortable around him and model a good example of men in a safe space. If she's otherwise polite and friendly then there's likely a personal reason/ some kind of anxiety. As for the posters asking how she'll manage when she's older, that's not really relevant to us is it? I was a painfully anxious teen, especially with men, who was often considered rude, and I've managed to graduate and hold down a very interactive job since with no thanks to everyone who said to grow up and stop being impolite

I know a teenage girl like this - very bright, absolutely lovely. But her father and stepfather were both abusive and she does not trust men at all.

There’s no doubt a back story to her mother and grandmother’s perspective.

Good learning curve for your DH I feel.

This - unfortunately I was sexually assaulted as a child by a male stranger. It did make me nervous when I had my daughter when she was around adult males she did not know, and unfortunately I didn't realise until it was well engrained in her that she had picked up on my body language and had become wary of adult males too. It's taken me years to get her to see male medical specialists. She would point blankly refuse to see them even and I have had to search for females only.
You are aware this girl's behaviour is not normal - I am guessing there is a back story that goes much deeper. If you and your hubby want to help your hubby could continue to be friendly to show her not all males are bad, but not take her rejection personally.

Thank you so much for being so open 🫶

I think your dh should ask himself why not getting a response to a simple greeting from an unrelated teenager bothers him so much.

It's quite rude but I'm sure there is a reason for it - hopefully nothing bad has happened to her!

He should just say "hello girls!" without expecting a response and keep it moving.