DD’s friend completely ignores DH

[MotherOfOlafs]

Hi all just looking for a bit of advice really. DD15’s best friend is a nice girl, quite quiet but a really good friend to DD, they’ve been close since primary. She’s no trouble and we’re happy to have her round at ours whenever.

The only sticking point is that while she’s happy to chat to me she will go out of her way to ignore DH. As in point blank refuse to speak when spoken to. DH pretty much only says hello and asks how she is but she blanks him. It’s rude and uncomfortable.

I know this girl doesn’t like men (she lives with her mum and Nan and they live by the rule of ‘all men are pigs’), and DD has said she barely responds to male teachers, although she does have some male friends at school, although they’re not very close. So clearly this is just a general thing, not just directed at DH. I’ve spoken to DD about it and she said she’s spoken to her friend but ‘she’s just like that I guess’. So do we just put up with it? She clearly has her guard up and I don’t want her to do something that obviously makes her very uncomfortable so I’m not sure what to do really! Any ideas are welcome!

Most sensible people think just leave her be!

As am I.

Just be glad and relieved it’s a general thing with her. My blood was running cold at the beginning of your post …

Ok. That's fine. Better inform your friends and relations that if ever they suffer some form of trauma that makes them unable to speak, they're no longer welcome.

OP I agree with the majority. There is most likely a trauma based reason for this behaviour if she won't even speak to teachers. The fact that the school allows this also makes me think they have information which you and your DD don't have. Otherwise, you'd expect the school to pull her up on it.

I'm an adult but due to unpleasant experiences with my ex aggressively shouting at me and getting pushy, I get really sleepy if ever a man starts behaving aggressively towards me. It's very hard to describe, it's like things become muffled and and I stop being able to move and I get that feeling from just before you fall asleep. I need to click my fingers right by my ears and really focus on the sound to snap out if it. I was an adult and my experience is nothing like what some women have experienced. Imagine what might have happened to make a 15 year old unable to talk to men.

It won't be just a "men are pigs" outlook from home, as that by itself in my experience creates girls who dislike men and can be vocal about it, not girls who can't talk to men at all.

I’d keep well out of it. It sounds complicated.

Fine to separately note to DD you don’t agree with it being a nice way to behave but that you accept this friend has particular issues.

I'd just tell your DH to leave her alone.

She's either uncomfortable with men in general or your DH in particular, so nothing is to be gained by trying to force her into being 'polite' to him.

Yes I agree, when I said I’d spoke to DD about it I don’t mean as in ‘you need to tell friend to make an effort’ but more ‘is this how friend generally is?’ It’s certainly not DD’s place to ‘correct’ anyone’s manners

Get your DH to keep politely speaking to her and not worrying if she doesn't speak to him. She obviously needs to see that men can be nice and aren't all as her mum and nan have made out.

I lived with my mum and sister growing up and friends' dads scared me. I wasn't used to the context of men in a small space and I didn't know what to say and was too paralysed to talk (I was also shy generally). I felt very uncomfortable with everything, even down to the big white sports socks on the radiator! No idea why. Just seemed very alien and out of my own world and understanding.

I was glad that they said hi because it meant they weren't mad at me previously not speaking, but generally I just wanted to run away and be with my friend on our own.

A man that keeps doing something he knows makes a young girl uncomfortable isn't "nice" though, is he?
All that's showing her is her mum is right, men will push boundaries and ignore your discomfort.

No need to ask her open questions. She doesn't owe him a conversation.

There may or may not be anything distressing in the background. I was probably a bit like this when I was a teen just because my community was very matriarchal. I didn't have much to do with the dads . It was the same with some of my teens friends . It did bother my DH but I told him to get over it!

Oh don’t be so bloody pompous. The kid is there to see the OP’s daughter, it’s not a family visit.

Read my previous posts

Your house, your rules, my house my pompous rules.

Yes I have edited now, though asking her how she is (as stated in your OP) is in fact trying to initiate conversation, rather than just saying hello.

Aren’t your special Harvest Festival knickers getting tired of being in a knot about nothing, @Harvestfestivalknickers? Or are you the kind of person who answers the door at Halloween only to hold packets of Haribo out of reach of small hands, bellowing ‘We say please and thank you in THIS house!’?

I’d actually be tempted to pull her up on it every time she ignores him and tell her it’s exceptionally rude to ignore people when you are a guest in their house.

And what do you think the outcome of that will be? Because I think it’s pretty darn predictable - she will stop coming round and the DD will spend more time at the friend’s house.

Leave her alone. Dh can continue to greet her politely but stop trying to engage her in conversation. Of she is otherwise a pleasant and polite girl there is obviously something else behind it. And realistically, what's going to happen if you start telling her she has to respond? She stops coming around and your daughter loses a friend, or you are forcing a young girl to interact with an adult male in a way that clearly makes her uncomfortable in order to fit with your idea of manners and social norms.
Neither seem like a desirable outcome to me. Show some empathy and imagination, this seems very likely to be based on something in her past, having your DH be a reliable male figure she is allowed to be around and feel safe that he won't push for any interaction she isn't comfortable with is probably the kindest and most helpful thing you can do for her.

No knickers in a twist, not tired either. Just a 'Hi' from friend would do. You seem to be getting very upset about my rules?

You said in your OP that he only pretty much says hello and how she is, and that you find it rude and uncomfortable when she doesn't respond. Then you say later he doesn't initiate conversation with her. To her, even asking how she is probably seems like he's initiating conversation. I totally get that it'll be the standard, 'Hi Emily, how are you? You all right?" but he could just say hi Emily and that's it.

I'd also try to let go of the feeling that it's rude and uncomfortable and is there any other option than just putting up with it (paraphrasing your OP). She's obviously got issues and I'd just leave her be.

I’d never do this, it would be embarrassing for everyone involved

Definitely is 😂

Quite!

How would you enforce your 'rules' in this instance?

Even before you said it, I assumed she had an issue with men in general or was extremely shy/fearful around them because of her past experience. If she's only with your DD on the odd occassion after school, for example, I wouldn't make a point of this. DH can say hello as he walks past the girls and that's it. It's the same thing I would do if the child was just shy. (I guess it would be harder if you took both girls out for the day, but perhaps that would be too much for her anyway?)