16yo and house party

[Absolutelyclueless00]

16yo Ds wants to go to a house party.

It's a lad from school but I've never met him/his parents.

He wants to take alcohol and stay at either his girlfriends or one of her friends.

No idea what time this party finishes, no plans of how he's getting home or back to girlfriend's house.

I'm not comfortable with any of it but no idea what's the norm for 16 year olds these days.

Any words of wisdom or advice/thoughts?

Unless he's got solid after party plans it would be a no from me

Absolutely no problem with going to a party with someone you've never met. That's standard at 16.

Taking alcohol is fairly standard at this age too. A couple of beers, fine. A bottle of vodka, no! I suppose it depends on the culture of your son's friend group, and how much you trust your son to make good decisions.

I would want to firm up the after party plans. Has he stayed at his girlfriend's before? Do you know her parents?

He hasn't stayed at girlfriends before and it sounds like it's all going to be up to her/her mates as to what happens afterwards.

I've met her parents briefly. I don't know this group at all though, it's not his usual friendship group and ds unfortunately is a complete follower.

I'd want to know where he's spending the night and that he can get home (uber account?) if it all goes pear-shaped, but you have to let them start somewhere.

It would be a no from me.

My son used to go to house parties at 16. It didn't cross my mind to try to stop him, considering I used to do the same thing. There will be alcohol there whether or not he takes it himself. My son had a habit of deciding at the last minute not to come home, so I insisted he sent me a text telling me where he was staying or if he was coming home, otherwise I'd worry. That was enough for me.

Can you elaborate please?

Is it the alcohol, the staging out? Which but?

I'm not comfortable with any of it but do realise he's growing up.

Not sure whether I can set some ground rules.

My 16 year old ds goes to house parties, some of the parents I know, others I don't. I think that’s pretty standard at 16 ( once GCSEs are done). He tells me where he is staying if he is going to be out all night.

Do you send him with some alcohol?

Ds reckons it's bring your own. What do you send them with?

I would not have provided alcohol at that stage
Mine did not drink until 18 , and one doesn't drink at all

Not the strong stuff. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ any until 18, which basically meant I was drinking and hiding it from parents. So I’m doing it differently.

It's fairly standard now to be going to house parties from year 11/age16. Ive never had a problem with that or taking alcohol (usually alcopops or cider) but always need to know plans after. Where they're staying and how they're getting home.

DD is 17
She's been going to house parties since she was 16 and in 6th form
I don't always know the parents
I do let her have alcohol in terms of a few cans of beer or cider. There often is vodka apparently
Staying over fortunately hasn't been a huge thing apart from with her best friends

There's a limit to how much you can say no at this age without them rebelling and going anyway so I try to make it more of a discussion/ negotiation

Eg
Yes you can go
No to vodka, yes to beer
How about I come and pick you up at x time?

IME:

House party at 16 - normal

Not knowing the parents - normal

Taking own alcohol - normal. If not used to it, cider or beer. However a lot of them will take vodka and lemonade

After party - hard no to staying out if it's his first one and no proper pick up plans.

I used to pick up dd and mates (& take sick bowl, wet wipes, hair bobbles, water) to make sure home safe

What time do people generally pick them up?

As in are they usually midnight or very early hours?

You can tell my username is accurate.

Usually midnight curfew for me

Thanks OP, my dd invited to her first house party too and I’ve been wondering about it all.. hoping the parents will be there?

it’s funny really as my brother pointed out, at this age I was clubbing in Manchester!

At 16 it was midnight

I have three teens. I would pick him up at midnight.

I'd let him go and would provide some not-too-strong drinks, suggesting he only drink the alcohol he takes with him. I would offer to collect him and his girlfriend/her friends at midnight, dropping them back to hers and bringing your DS home.

Once he's more used to going to parties, drinking etc., and the after party arrangements are more organised, I'd feel differently.

I'd say he needs to come home and he can bring a couple of friends to stay with sleeping bags at his too (is his gf usually allowed to sleep over? If yes then her too)

Actually if he's stayed at the gf house before then let him go there it's fine
If plans are unsure do you trust him to let you know, if not would he agree to tracker app?

House party, fine. Taking alcohol, fine. Staying at a friends fine. Not knowing the parents at this age is standard. All fairly normal at 16.

But not all at once. Not for a first house party.

Ds1 is 16 (17 soon). He's been going to house parties since he turned 15. But you build them up gradually as they gain experience and trust:

• Allowed to attend parties. No alcohol, zero. Pick up at 11. If they behave, you eventually expand to the next step...
• No alcohol, but pick up at 1am. Then...
• Very limited alcohol, one beer. Pick up at 1am.
• Slightly more alcohol, maybe three beers or equivalent. Pick up whenever they want.

After this, when trust had built, we went through a stage of them having a choice. You can either a) drink alcohol and come home to sleep. Or b) stay over at a friends straight after if you stay tee total.

Then, final stage - you can drink sensibly AND stay at a friends. But you call me at X time (when party is ending). If I have even the smallest suspicion that you're 'too' drunk to be sensible and safe, home you come. This is the stage he's at now at nearly 17 but it's been two years getting here.

You'll never get one consensus though op. My previous post - there are probably some people who'd think that's horrifically lax of us and some who think it's overly strict with the gradual build up.

When I read it back I do chuckle though. At 16 I was doing A Levels and was out every Friday night in town at the place you paid £10 for all you could drink. I got a cab home alone in some horrific states, it's a wonder nothing awful happened.