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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do friends buy teenagers birthday presents anymore ?

44 replies

Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 00:11

My DD17 has had very few birthday presents from friends.
Despite us buying about 5 friends for meals out.

Does no one buy presents for friends anymore? Even small ones. Or cards?

Or this is northern fairly rough state schools?

What is present buying etiquete now?

I feel like we are mugs.

OP posts:
Timeforaglassofwine · 13/10/2024 00:13

Mine only really buy a gift if they are going to a party, unless it's a best friend.

Original poster
Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 00:32

Ok. I think it's a bit mean. Or maybe I'm stupidly over generous.

We paid for the whole meal. And not even one card from 4 people.

A card and a small present I think is minimum.

Or I am stupidly over generous?

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NewName24 · 13/10/2024 00:37

I don't know about 'over generous', more 'transactional' I'd have said.

In answer to buying presents, I've had 3 teens. 2 didn't in their friendship groups, 1 did in theirs, but they all put a couple of pounds in and got one present from 'the group'. Mostly though, no, teens don't tend to.

But then, teens don't tend to have their parents pay for them to go out for a meal - especially not by the time they are 17.
For 17th birthdays, they organise amongst themselves what they want to do, and, generally, at that age, everyone would pay for themselves.

RagzRebooted · 13/10/2024 00:38

I'd be expecting 17 year olds to be going out on their own for a meal and paying for themselves, in which case they'd have spent enough on that I'd not expect gifts as well. Parents taking them all out and paying isn't necessary and is a bit cringe, though I'd love to do it as I love my teens and their friends.
My teens and their friendship groups don't tend to buy eachother birthday presents unless it's a joke gift or one best friend to another. It stopped mostly around the age they were expected to spend their own money! My sons buy their girlfriends gifts but not their mates. DD is 14 and her and her best friend buy gifts still, but only for eachother.

GhostCicada · 13/10/2024 00:39

My dd is at a sleepover at her friends tonight for her friends birthday. Her friend is 16, dd is 15 and dd bought her a silver necklace. To be honest though it's only best friend and boyfriends/girlfriends that they really bother buying for, it's the same for Christmas too. Maybe their fav sweets or something small for others.

Caffeineismydrug35 · 13/10/2024 00:45

At 17 my daughter and her friends would buy clothes vouchers or put money together to get a gift. They would each pay for their own meal too, I’ve never known parents to pay so I think that was very generous.

thaegumathteth · 13/10/2024 01:32

Ds (17) and his friends don't .

Dd (14) does.

Ambienteamber · 13/10/2024 01:37

I don't think they even did when I was a teen? I don't remember any one but my best friend occasionally, getting me something for my birthday past the age of about 12. I think it's coz teenagers have their own money and I guess would be expected to buy their own gifts for each other.. so many don't coz they don't want to spend their money on that. Unless it's their very best mate and they happen to have some money spare.

MumChp · 13/10/2024 01:38

If invited we always bring a gift

ThePure · 13/10/2024 02:14

My 17 yr old DD and her friends do buy one another gifts. She loves doing it and puts a lot of effort in. She uses her own pocket money.

For 17th birthdays they did go out for meals but everyone paid for themselves and parents put some money towards the bill or towards drinks.

They are starting to turn 18 now and hosting a party at your house seems to be the done thing which fills me with dread. I am hoping she might go joint with friends and have it at theirs! I am happy to throw money at this not to have a bunch of loud drunk teens in my little terraced house. Clearly I am not the cool parent.

Original poster
Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 09:12

I agree. I don't think we should pay for the whole meal.
And if we do. I'd expect presents.
I don't think it's transactional.
I feel like these kids and parents are happy to take money from us. But not happy to return the favour.

At primary everyone bought presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 09:26

No one pays for meals and only best friends buy presents.

Doing anything else is just throwing money away.

I've always been generous. But feel taken for a ride now.

Small gifts cost nothing but mean a lot. I find it bizarre that people go for a meal and don't even buy a card or a small gift.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 10:41

Ambienteamber · 13/10/2024 01:37

I don't think they even did when I was a teen? I don't remember any one but my best friend occasionally, getting me something for my birthday past the age of about 12. I think it's coz teenagers have their own money and I guess would be expected to buy their own gifts for each other.. so many don't coz they don't want to spend their money on that. Unless it's their very best mate and they happen to have some money spare.

Maybe that's right.
I guess it's when you get older.
I didn't go have any parties or meals out. So no idea. Only my best friend bought gifts.

Still think if you've been friends for years then you buy a present. Or a card.

I just feel like I want to celebrate my daughter's birthday. She won't go to big family meals with us.

Wants friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 10:41

MumChp · 13/10/2024 01:38

If invited we always bring a gift

We do too. Doesn't have to be big. But something. A card at least.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 10:42

Caffeineismydrug35 · 13/10/2024 00:45

At 17 my daughter and her friends would buy clothes vouchers or put money together to get a gift. They would each pay for their own meal too, I’ve never known parents to pay so I think that was very generous.

Yes. We are idiots!

They could club together and get a gift.
That would be lovely. Even £2 each.

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AllProperTeaIsTheft · 13/10/2024 10:47

In my experience (fairly extensive, as I teach teenagers and have 2 myself), teenage girls buy presents and cards and often make quite a big thing of it. Teenage boys don't do it at all. I don't think most teenage girls would go for a meal out paid for by their parents though. Lots will just have their friends over and hang out.

Edingril · 13/10/2024 10:50

Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 09:12

I agree. I don't think we should pay for the whole meal.
And if we do. I'd expect presents.
I don't think it's transactional.
I feel like these kids and parents are happy to take money from us. But not happy to return the favour.

At primary everyone bought presents.

You 'expect' presents,? Who are you royalty?

LunaMay · 13/10/2024 10:55

In our circles (not UK) it would be considered rude to go to the dinner without a card at least regardless of who is paying. You've been invited out to celebrate a Birthday. My youngest sister just turned 15 and she had friends give her cards or small gift/voucher.

You wouldn't go to a birthday party empty handed would you?

Changes17 · 13/10/2024 10:57

We used to fund the teenager presents but now DS is in 6th form, he and his friends are managing their own money that they have from allowances and/or part-time jobs - and that includes presents for their friends.

What now seems to happen is they go out for a meal together without parental involvement and they pay for their own meals - which is essentially the present.

When parents paid for everything, we bought presents. Now they are developing their own customs that suit people who don’t really have very much of their own money. I expect your DC’s friends may be used to paying themselves for birthday meals out.

The next round of birthdays will be 18ths, which will be a party at home. Separately, we’ll go out as a family too, probably for a meal.

DD is a younger teen and we still buy the presents that she gives.

Changes17 · 13/10/2024 10:59

And to parties they take drinks, a card - and invite back to theirs. As long as everyone does the same it’s in balance.

JaninaDuszejko · 13/10/2024 12:14

My DC are in the north but not at a rough school. My DDs are 15 &16 and buy birthday presents. DD1s friends spend more than DD2s friends. We don't take them out for meals but we have them all here regularly and feed them.

I think it's up to your DC and their friends to negotiate this. Gifts for the sake of gift giving is really rather wasteful and I suspect will go out of fashion as we realise the impact on the environment of high consumption.

CooksDryMeasure · 13/10/2024 14:36

My DC are at an average leaning towards rough state school in the SW. they buy presents for their good friends - socks, chocs, beauty products… for DC1 that’s 3 friends she buys for, for DC2 it’s probably around 6 friends.

reluctantbrit · 13/10/2024 16:35

DD was invited to a couple of 16th birthday parties and bought a small present (apprx £10) from her own pocket money.

She had her 17th birthday on the same day as a theatre play rehearsal and a couple of them went to McD during a break but the idea that DD pays for their food was answered with "Nobody does this!". She got a couple of texts and messages but that was it.

She has a circle of friends she knows since nursery, they are thick as thieves (I currenlty have 3 of them in my living room, a very belated 17th birthday do) and we parents are friends as well. For these girls we pay for presents as they are not just from DD but from all of us and we also pay for food if there is the occassion. That can be pizza like today or a meal at Zizzis a year ago.

NewName24 · 13/10/2024 17:52

You wouldn't go to a birthday party empty handed would you?

Well, as has been explained over again on this thread, yes, in some circumstances, people do.

Generally teens organise their own celebration, and generally they then pay for themselves, and generally teens don't have that much money, so they don't go out and get presents on top.

Of course, if you want to treat all your dd's friends to a meal, that is your choice OP, but as you are bucking the general trend of what the teens do, then you can't really impose your expectation upon them.

Original poster
Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 21:45

I don't want to pay for it.
Especially since they can't be bothered to even club together to buy her a £10 gift.

They also say they have no money to eat out.

It has really left a sour taste.

It's not my expectation at all.

But I think if you pay. Then you could then club together.

I think it's not beyond any of them to get cards and offer £2 each for a present.

18th is the last time I'll splash out.

I guess at this age parents leave them to it.

And I'm the idiot!

OP posts: