Page 2 | Do friends buy teenagers birthday presents anymore ?

Flyhigher · 2024-10-12T23:11:19+00:00

My DD17 has had very few birthday presents from friends. Despite us buying about 5 friends for meals out. Does no one buy presents for friends anymore? Even small ones. Or cards? Or this is northern fairly rough state schools? What is present buying etiquete now? I feel like we are mugs.

Original poster

Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 21:48

NewName24 · 13/10/2024 17:52

You wouldn't go to a birthday party empty handed would you?

Well, as has been explained over again on this thread, yes, in some circumstances, people do.

Generally teens organise their own celebration, and generally they then pay for themselves, and generally teens don't have that much money, so they don't go out and get presents on top.

Of course, if you want to treat all your dd's friends to a meal, that is your choice OP, but as you are bucking the general trend of what the teens do, then you can't really impose your expectation upon them.

No problem with them paying for themselves.

Then no present needed. A card would be nice

They said they had no money to eat out either.
Don't believe that for a second.

They just don't ask parents and would rather spend everything on themselves. Including vaping and weed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 21:49

CooksDryMeasure · 13/10/2024 14:36

My DC are at an average leaning towards rough state school in the SW. they buy presents for their good friends - socks, chocs, beauty products… for DC1 that’s 3 friends she buys for, for DC2 it’s probably around 6 friends.

That sounds lovely xxx. Lucky you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 21:50

Changes17 · 13/10/2024 10:57

We used to fund the teenager presents but now DS is in 6th form, he and his friends are managing their own money that they have from allowances and/or part-time jobs - and that includes presents for their friends.

What now seems to happen is they go out for a meal together without parental involvement and they pay for their own meals - which is essentially the present.

When parents paid for everything, we bought presents. Now they are developing their own customs that suit people who don’t really have very much of their own money. I expect your DC’s friends may be used to paying themselves for birthday meals out.

The next round of birthdays will be 18ths, which will be a party at home. Separately, we’ll go out as a family too, probably for a meal.

DD is a younger teen and we still buy the presents that she gives.

That's exactly what I would expect. Yes. But they don't do that.

OP posts:

NewName24 · 13/10/2024 22:23

Flyhigher · 13/10/2024 21:45

I don't want to pay for it.
Especially since they can't be bothered to even club together to buy her a £10 gift.

They also say they have no money to eat out.

It has really left a sour taste.

It's not my expectation at all.

But I think if you pay. Then you could then club together.

I think it's not beyond any of them to get cards and offer £2 each for a present.

18th is the last time I'll splash out.

I guess at this age parents leave them to it.

And I'm the idiot!

Well, if you "don't want to pay for it", then don't. There really is no expectation. I'm not even sure how it has come about.
My experience is parents organise their dcs' parties / birthday celebrations in Primary school, and then help facilitate them (perhaps agree to drop them at bowling or cinema) when in KS3, then they teens sort themselves out, or choose not to do anything.
So you must have either offered, or brought up your dc to somehow expect you are funding celebrations for them with their friends.

And I'm the idiot!
I don't think anyone is saying that.
I think the point is, you are choosing to pay for your 17 year old's friends to go out, and then resenting it.
You need to not do it, or do it with good grace.

NewName24 · 13/10/2024 22:27

You wouldn't go to a birthday party empty handed would you?

Thinking about it more, the last 4 parties / birthday celebrations I have been to, have all been insistent people don't bring any presents.

I know, when I host I genuinely don't want any presents. I just want to spend the time with my friends.

I accept I am considerably older than 17.

verysmellyjelly · 14/10/2024 10:25

It's still common for girls to buy gifts! Not boys, really.

LoyalMember · 14/10/2024 16:00

Never in a million years unless as a child I was invited to a Party.

MermaidEyes · 14/10/2024 16:27

verysmellyjelly · 14/10/2024 10:25

It's still common for girls to buy gifts! Not boys, really.

Yes I think so. My kids late teens are still buying birthday gifts for their friends and getting gifts in return. They also do Christmas and Galentine gifts. Maybe it's just a thing among their friendship groups. But then I still buy for my very close friends and vice versa.

StressedQueen · 14/10/2024 16:30

For my daughters and their friends, they all definitely buy a gift for each other. Close friends, it's actually something big. If it's just someone they're normal friends in, probably something a little smaller. And definitely if they're going to a party, there is a present.

Singleandproud · 14/10/2024 16:32

DD and her three best friends buy each other gifts and make the day special for each other. The girls DD sits next to in most classes but doesn't know that well made her a birthday card and gave it to her in the last lesson. So it depends on the friends and their own family expectations and traditions towards gifts I suppose.

Original poster

Flyhigher · 14/10/2024 18:45

I've been bounced into it by DD and DH.
DD wanted to go out to eat which is fair enough. And then said friends had no money.
I suggested pizza. Which is cheaper.

At first she said friends would pay £10 each. Which was not true.

If we pay for the lot then I think three friends.

Not 5.

I guess my DD bounced me into it.

I think she could have had friends over at home. And a meal out for 3.

I'm still in primary mode.

No one else does what we do.

Our birthday is early in the year. So we get suckered in. At primary it was fine.

Now - it's a bit much. £185 and no cards or presents.

I guess teens have their own money and dont even ask parents for anything.

Present buying has dwindled a lot. And I guess I'm not up to date.

OP posts:

LoyalMember · 15/10/2024 15:24

Flyhigher · 14/10/2024 18:45

I've been bounced into it by DD and DH.
DD wanted to go out to eat which is fair enough. And then said friends had no money.
I suggested pizza. Which is cheaper.

At first she said friends would pay £10 each. Which was not true.

If we pay for the lot then I think three friends.

Not 5.

I guess my DD bounced me into it.

I think she could have had friends over at home. And a meal out for 3.

I'm still in primary mode.

No one else does what we do.

Our birthday is early in the year. So we get suckered in. At primary it was fine.

Now - it's a bit much. £185 and no cards or presents.

I guess teens have their own money and dont even ask parents for anything.

Present buying has dwindled a lot. And I guess I'm not up to date.

With all due respect to you, you need to stop saying on here that 'No one else does what we do...' and actually stop doing it. You need to rein it in and explain to your kids that you're not made of money, and see if that occurs to them.

MamaMamita · 17/10/2024 02:26

My dd just turned 17 and I've invited 4 girls to go to an amusement place on their own. In short, there were 5 of them. Three girls are from her class, and the other is former classmate who everyone used to hang out with,. We've spent a good amount of money for the girls and honestly speaking, we're not after the gifts. Our dd has everything BUT a simple birthday card would've been nice.

On the way to the amusement place, they had to group themselves into two teams. She overheard the three girls whisper to each other that they want to be together. They didn't even ask my dd, the birthday girl, who she wanted in her team. My dd thought that it's unfair that her get to choose given that she paid for everything. So she said loudly that she wanted to be in a group of three. On top of that, none of the four girls gave her any present-not even a simple card. She was sad about it because it's not that the girls didn't have money. The thing is, they did. They went shopping and enjoyed themselves. I initially told my dd to also pay for their meals but when it came to lunch, they apparently bought their own.

Now my question is, has the trend changed? In my days, we always gave a present to the birthday celebrant especially when that person spent a good deal of money for everyone to enjoy. Mind you, these girls are from a private school and they live with their parents. It's not about the money. It's about the thought. A simple home-made card or letter would've made my dd happy. She said that she cried when she got home because the birthday outing felt like a normal outing instead.

Flatandhappy · 17/10/2024 04:10

Yes for DD (often a group present), not really for DS though I think he might have got “skins” for computer games and things I wouldn’t really have seen as a teen. The boys were always more lax, athough once they all turned 18 clubbing in for a bottle of something for the birthday boy became the norm.

It is not unusual here (Sydney) to take out a group of teenage friends for a birthday meal and parents pay, usually pizza, maybe Chinese or Thai. If weather is nice though it would usually be an at home pool party with takeaway Dominos provided. Private school, reasonably affluent parents so it’s not really a big deal. I would only be pissed off or upset about it if the birthday girl/boy was. I do expect (and usually get) thank yous though if I have paid for a meal.

@MamaMamita that sounds shit! No wonder your DD was upset.

MermaidEyes · 17/10/2024 09:30

@MamaMamita unfortunately sounds like your daughter just has shit friends. I know it's hard at 17 but maybe she needs to find a better friendship group.

Original poster

Flyhigher · 17/10/2024 18:10

MamaMamita · 17/10/2024 02:26

My dd just turned 17 and I've invited 4 girls to go to an amusement place on their own. In short, there were 5 of them. Three girls are from her class, and the other is former classmate who everyone used to hang out with,. We've spent a good amount of money for the girls and honestly speaking, we're not after the gifts. Our dd has everything BUT a simple birthday card would've been nice.

On the way to the amusement place, they had to group themselves into two teams. She overheard the three girls whisper to each other that they want to be together. They didn't even ask my dd, the birthday girl, who she wanted in her team. My dd thought that it's unfair that her get to choose given that she paid for everything. So she said loudly that she wanted to be in a group of three. On top of that, none of the four girls gave her any present-not even a simple card. She was sad about it because it's not that the girls didn't have money. The thing is, they did. They went shopping and enjoyed themselves. I initially told my dd to also pay for their meals but when it came to lunch, they apparently bought their own.

Now my question is, has the trend changed? In my days, we always gave a present to the birthday celebrant especially when that person spent a good deal of money for everyone to enjoy. Mind you, these girls are from a private school and they live with their parents. It's not about the money. It's about the thought. A simple home-made card or letter would've made my dd happy. She said that she cried when she got home because the birthday outing felt like a normal outing instead.

Sounds like mine. It's mean and selfish.
I thought maybe if my DD went to private schiool it might be better.

It's not good friends unfortunately.

Mine is the same.

It might be one mean one. And it affects the others.

It's a new trend definitely and it's awful.

You are meant to make your friends feel special on their birthday.

It's horrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyhigher · 17/10/2024 18:24

NewName24 · 13/10/2024 22:27

You wouldn't go to a birthday party empty handed would you?

Thinking about it more, the last 4 parties / birthday celebrations I have been to, have all been insistent people don't bring any presents.

I know, when I host I genuinely don't want any presents. I just want to spend the time with my friends.

I accept I am considerably older than 17.

I think it's different at 17 to 57. With kids etc.

I think as a teen you could show a minimum of appreciation for your friends.

A card. Even home made.

A home make cake. Anything.

OP posts:

Thingsthatgo · 17/10/2024 18:50

You've just unlocked a memory... as teens my friends and would buy each other a packet of 10 malboro lights or silk cut- we would wrap them up in birthday paper

MerryTraveller · 17/10/2024 19:12

Mine at boarding school all buy each other lovely gifts - jewelry mostly. Parents take their own children and their children's ftiends friends out for meals sporadically but have no input in birthdays unless they do parties in the holidays.