How much do you do for your teenager? Clubs, money etc?

[Longwinternights2975]

Obviously every family is different and there's no right or wrong way but my son is really guilt tripping me at the moment and I don't know if I should be doing more.
My son is 14. He is in a school 10 miles away that requires £75 a month transport, £25 a month for a laptop, he spends over £100 a month on lunches through parent pay. I pay £25 a month for him to play on a football team, which I take him to twice a week, 2 hours training on a Wednesday nights and a good 3 hours for the travel and match on a Sunday morning. He also had £10 a week pocket money. I buy him clothes and computer games regularly and £15 a month phone bill .
So I'd say on average it costs me £300 a month for him at least. He goes out with friends at least 3 times a week, football 2 times a week and a couple of nights chill.
Nothing is ever enough. I work full time and have other children. But he's constantly asking more and more from me financially and also my time.
He wants to join another sport which would be alot more travel to and fro, and the cost of that.
To be completely truthful I am too tired to do anything else and I just don't want to. I want to be able to come home from work and relax sometimes . I'm starting to feel burnt out.
The things he wants get more and more costly and he does nothing to earn it, doesn't lift a finger in the home etc.
I feel like he is really pushing me and guilt tripping me to agree by saying all his friends do multiple sports etc . They do and I know there parents are run ragged and spend so much money on it. Am I being selfish or am I supposed to put him first over everyone else in the family?

But he's constantly asking more and more from me financially and also my time.

Re the time - point out to him that there are only so many hours in the day, and 5 of you in the house. By him taking over some of the household 'stuff' it frees up some of your time. Whether that is washing up, cooking, putting the vacuum round, doing the bins, mowing the lawn or whatever. He's 14 - he needs to understand that concept.

Re the money - suggest he looks in to starting training to be a football referee. It's a great earner once he is qualified.
But I am another who is wondering why you are regularly buying him computer games and clothes, when you are 'managing' rather than being wealthy.

It's rough for teens when they have to accept that others have more than they have, or get driven around more or whatever, but that's just life...it isn't fair, and while he might be missing out on what his friends have, there will be others who don't get what he is getting. It's all relative.

He needs to accept that you don't have infinite money, and that having a larger family means that it has to stretch further to go around. He doesn't have to like it, but he's going to have to live with it.

Can you stop buying non-essential items like computer games and let him have an allowance instead so that he can decide how to prioritise?

Good heavens, we could not have afforded that!! My youngest is 17 now and in a decent paying weekend job.

At 14, we gave her £5 per week pocket money. She had a paper round also paying a fiver a week. So 10 quid a week spends.

We paid her weekly riding lesson at 25 quid a week. And also bought her quite a few clothes (just coz i enjoyed shopping with her and treating her)

AND - if she had wanted to do anything with pals that was more expensive - go to a concert or something, we would have funded that as a now and again thing.

School lunch she took packed at about a quid a day. There was only one school trip which we were happy to fund.

So - on average with pocket money and lunch and riding lesson - £140/month.

And the extra odd 30 - 100 ish now and again on clothes shopping trips.

If you can afford please do it. Most parents are dealing with teens and serious issues like drugs or alcohol. It is a few more years and tbh most teenagers do not help at home at all. Unfortunately, it is very expensive these days but very important teens do sports.

Sorry but I really don’t think two hobbies for a teenager is excessive, especially as it’s the time you seem to begrudge as opposed to the cost. I think it’s really sad when adults choose to have several children and they miss out as a result. I think you should do everything you can to make sure your son has the same opportunities as his peers tbh.

Does he have another parent ?

Most peers won't get a lift 30 miles out and home = 60 miles for a sport.

Simple as that.

You seem incredibly resentful of your eldest, and to include things that are just life costs is really odd. How can you begrudge his schooling and food costs?

My 13 year old has 5 activities a week. 1 through school and 2 are low cost (about £200 for the year). 2 of them take up 4 hours travelling each week (25 miles each way after work).
It is tiring but it's worth for us

£100/month on ParentPay sounds like a heck of a lot, or does my DD just not eat very much at school? I put £50 on each month and even then there’s usually some left over.

DS is 16, year 12, so a little older and more independent than your DS, OP. I pay for a monthly travel pass (£80) for our region as he’s great and making his own way around and he does get about! I pay his phone contract (unlimited data), which is about £40 month. He gets £25 per week ‘pocket money’ but nothing extra for lunch so if he needs his cash for socialising he has to make his own lunch. I buy all his toiletries and clothes (he gets big ticket clothes items like expensive trainers as Xmas or birthday presents)

He can earn extra at home for babysitting younger sibling, mowing lawn, or taking dog for long walk. He takes care of his own room including his own laundry as his routine chores. He’s looking for a part-time job right now as his socialising costs are rocketing and he knows there’s no extra from us.

Thankfully there’s no sports commitments and he can get himself to the Drama activities he does by public transport. DH or I will pick him up late after parties or gigs and that’s maybe twice a month.

Daughter (14) gets a free bass pass for school, but occasionally gets the bus to do other things, this is probably around £15 p/m

She takes packed lunches, but I probably put around £10 p/m for snacks etc on her school account

She rows, which is her most expensive outgoing. Averaged over a year that probably costs around £200 p/m, for events, travel, membership accreditation etc.

Fuel to drive to above sport, around £80 p/month (big car, 26 mile round trip 3 times a week minimum)

£20 p/m allowance for toiletries etc above the basic

Probably an extra £30 p/m for socialising, food when at events etc.

Isn't that fussed by clothes, but does like 'merch' from events and the odd bit, an average of £20 p/m I reckon.

That's about £385 p/m average over the year. Majority is sport related though, so doesn't live an expensive lifestyle really.

Other kids are 12 and 7 so don't cost as much yet.

Absolutely this. Even if you were a high earner, the attitude and entitlement would need a firm no until something changed, at the very least.

Tell him you are already exhausted and you simply can't afford any more, but even if you could, his attitude would make you say no.

If there's any way you could see the additional sport working (eg lift shares), I would make it conditional upon making his own packed lunches at home with food you've provided/getting a job to fund school canteen prices. Plus doing a set number of jobs at home.

It's OK for you to say no to protect your mh from complete overload and explain why. He needs to be aware of why you're saying no, and I would definitely be citing his entitlement as a big reason even if the time or money demands could be met.

Agree with trading time with him (you spend x hours taking him there, he takes that many jobs off you).
Also - do any of his friends do the new sport and is there a lift share to be organised (facilitated by him, speaking to his friends). If he won’t, then no reason you should either.

Plus the bottom line would be whether he’s completely on top of schoolwork.

I wonder if he is actually asking for more 1:1 time with you, without his siblings. That would be a good way of looking at the car journey. Time well spent connecting and catching up.

Could his dad do it sometimes?

I don't think two sports is at excessive. I think with several children your chance to sit down in the evenings was always going to be limited!

One of mine does a hobby that doesn't involve us much day to day, he mostly cycles, but does involve national and international tournaments several times a year. The other trains or has matches five days a week. Training finishes at 930 and matches can be up to 3 hours away. My youngest trains 2x a week, earlier, but his matches and tournaments can be an hour and a half away.

It costs a lot. I also work full time and rarely spend on myself. But my own parents did literally nothing for us and I really resented them for it and felt very jealous of friends whose parents supported them to develop their interests.

I understood, OP. My teens have scouts 1 evening a week and a sport that trains 2 evenings a week (25 mile round trip each time) then a match at the weekend which is a 90mile round trip(!). I have 2 kids doing this in the same sport but different teams/age groups and it takes a lot of my time outside of work. We can't lift share because the training and matches are overlapping times for the 2 DC. DH has an awkward job, but he helps out with the driving about one trip in 4.

For each one
Sport fees £25/month + replacing training kit (average £10/month - I buy most of the expensive stuff on vinted)
Scouts £5-10/month
£30/month pocket money
£17/month mobile phone
School transport is free for us

They get £15/month on parent pay to buy lunch in the school canteen once a week. Otherwide they take a packed lunch and they make it themselves.

I spend around £120/month per DC (+ diesel) but I would also buy them some clothes and standard toiletries with weekly shop. If DC wants something particular that is beyond my budget or not sold at the supermarket, they have to save and buy it themselves, or wait for birthday /christmas.

Your big cost that you can reduce is the lunches. While lunch is an essential, yes, I don't see that it is necessary to buy it every day.
That is not a great habit to bring in to adulthood either. Preparing your own meals is a life skill and young men need to learn this skill or else they might always end up reliant on others to cook for them. I buy wraps (or frozen baguettes as a treat), chicken/ham/eggs, salad leaves, cheese, cereal bars, etc for the lunchbox and it comes to about £10 a week. Or in winter DC likes to make their own soup, stew or pasta meal and take it in a flask. That's even cheaper. We've found the Marcus Rashford & Tom Kerridge "full time meals" resource really useful for filling up hungry sporty kids, on a budget. The recipes are specially written so that teens can make them easily.

We are clear with the DC that there is a finite budget. Buying lunch instead of making it would mean having to sacrifice some of the other things we like to do, like trips away, or getting a chippy dinner after a day at the beach.

Just be honest and say you can't give any more (time and/or money) unless your son increases their input (e.g. lunch or organising a lift share, etc) or makes some other sacrifice to help reduce the time/money you're spending. Good luck op!

School, getting to school and eating at school are pretty basic requirements tbh. Presumably you knew the distance and financial commitments when you allowed him to move to the specialist school? We had a debate about UTC around y8/9, but decided against it primarily because of the long day and £1k a term bus fare.

If the cost of school lunches is a factor, send a packed lunch. Give DS the choice of packed lunch and half the school lunch cost for activities, or the current school lunch arrangement. We live in an area of poor public transport and I will help get people to places. But there is an undertanding that this has to fit in with family needs. I won't hang around during an activity - I do something else with my time or (preferably) do the drop off while someone else brings them home (or vice versa). But on the whole they choose activities they can get to and from under their own steam - walking, bike, bus.

Stop shopping. Provide uniform and basic kit. Fancy clothes, computer games etc. are for birthdays/Christmas or purchasing from pocket money/earnings. If you keep being an unlimited source of all things, it's hard to teens to value them.

Make your boundaries clear and negotiate reasonably within them. He can do a second sport if he can arrange it himself.

I think it's not so much that two sports is unreasonable. More that the one sport that he currently has takes up so much time.

If you are spending a quarter of your income purely on him, not even taking into account his daily expenses (share of food, heating, electric etc bills at home - and the time you need to put into running the house/cooking/cleaning/washing clothes)...he needs to know that he is taking an unfair proportion and you cannot afford to spend more on him. Either in money or time.

How would he feel if DSiblings wanted to add an extra sport to their costs? they probably can't at the moment with his high expenses. How will you manage when you have 3 needing school bus/lunches/phones? Let alone clubs?

And I am guessing that the tight budget means you are living for today and cannot put away money for emergencies, family holidays, potential uni costs or pension for yourself?

60 miles!
It's expensive. It's time consuming once a week on top of the other nights this boy is out. He isn't staying at hone 24/7.

It would be a hard no from us. And it would be the same around our childrens' friends' parents. A lot of parents don't even have a car (cars are expensive and to many families a luxury not affordable).

I really don't get how people think it's such a normal thing around families to ferry a child 60 miles for sports.

I think teenagers complain and also it sounds like he fancies a change in his life. How long has he been doing football? Have you had a chat about how he's feeling about that? Maybe just finding anything different could work ie a break from football and some martial arts (or something else thsts local) instead.

You mention he doesn't do anything in the house and understandably you sound a bit resentful. OK maybe I'm naive as my kids aren't teenagers but I think I'd push back and say look I've been thinking and change the way things are done. Ie one or two chores. You want pocket money, you help.

I think everyone's normal is different. Plus some people love driving. My dad would think nothing of a 30 mile trip. Personally I find it stressful.

I don't think you have to.

Of course it's different but quite a few people here more or less express it to be a teen's right to be ferried to and from by car by a parent to a second sport 30 miles away. It a huge luxury!

Mine all dropped clubs as they turned teens. It's good he has carried on with one. My eldest son has just dropped out of uni and unfortunately has a terrible sense of entitlement and expectations of me giving everything ( including him coming home with no plan). I'd be careful to not over facilitate his every whim.

I'd make him come up with a solution. Say you can't add this regularly every week into your life. Also please get him helping more around the house. My eldest cooked and did his own washing but in hindsight he should be helping the family too. Not been so self focused. He lives in a family home

As a parent of young kids, just following to see what to expect in future. I think you're doing an amazing job on the front, good ideas!!

At the end of the day;

He's a teen, as children get older they cost more.

He didn't chose the school, you did. You are the parents that arranged for him to attend a specialist school. The cost of attending is not his doing. Nor is the fact he needs a laptop- if you can afford it- it would be cheaper in the long run to just buy him one. Does this school mean he has more opportunity? If so, look at it from that POV.

You begrudge paying for lunches- why doesn't he or you make a packed lunch? At the end of the day he needs lunch. Whether he makes himself lunch is a different matter, as parents we must guide our DC to become independent. If neither of you have time or inclination to make lunch- then you have to pay.

Phone- I know some might not agree but he will need a phone.

Why doesn't he use his pocket money to save and buy games? Or get him to 'work' for it around the house, so it's not just bought for him.

Sports- again, it may be what he wants to do but as parents, you are the one that signed him up. Can't you split travelling between the other parents?

New club- if you can't afford it or have the time- tell him that's why.

You as parents need to teach him that he can't get everything he wants. Of course he's going to keep asking because he's used to getting what he wants.