How much do you do for your teenager? Clubs, money etc?

[Longwinternights2975]

Obviously every family is different and there's no right or wrong way but my son is really guilt tripping me at the moment and I don't know if I should be doing more.
My son is 14. He is in a school 10 miles away that requires £75 a month transport, £25 a month for a laptop, he spends over £100 a month on lunches through parent pay. I pay £25 a month for him to play on a football team, which I take him to twice a week, 2 hours training on a Wednesday nights and a good 3 hours for the travel and match on a Sunday morning. He also had £10 a week pocket money. I buy him clothes and computer games regularly and £15 a month phone bill .
So I'd say on average it costs me £300 a month for him at least. He goes out with friends at least 3 times a week, football 2 times a week and a couple of nights chill.
Nothing is ever enough. I work full time and have other children. But he's constantly asking more and more from me financially and also my time.
He wants to join another sport which would be alot more travel to and fro, and the cost of that.
To be completely truthful I am too tired to do anything else and I just don't want to. I want to be able to come home from work and relax sometimes . I'm starting to feel burnt out.
The things he wants get more and more costly and he does nothing to earn it, doesn't lift a finger in the home etc.
I feel like he is really pushing me and guilt tripping me to agree by saying all his friends do multiple sports etc . They do and I know there parents are run ragged and spend so much money on it. Am I being selfish or am I supposed to put him first over everyone else in the family?

Mine get-
bus pass or occasional fare, whichever is cheaper (monthly bus pass in your case to cover school and activities)
1 paid activity eg football, guitar, cadets. A second is fine but would incur a regular chore!
Pocket money on a pay-for-chores basis, up to £60pw between 4 of them (when it’s gone it’s gone!)
Laptops, computer games and expensive clothes are Xmas and birthday presents. I make sure they have adequate basics.

Oh, and £45 a month for lunches. That’s enough for a panini/ jacket potato etc and a drink or a meal deal. If they want extra drinks/ cookies/ dessert/ snacks/ breakfast they can take them from home!

time wise, I’d watch the football match but not training, occasionally drive to or from a friend’s house so we can chat, but I’d expect him to get the bus and be independent most of the time at his age.

Thanks for the comments
Given me a good idea on what people spend
My other children are younger so don't cost hardly anything in comparison .
The thing we are struggling with the most as it's as if he feels like everything should revolve around him. He tries to dictate to us and expects things and then tries to guilt trip or nag me until I give in and day yes.

We have husbands wage aswell but he pays the house , bills , large purchase etc

My wage is for the family's every day spends and our monthly food .
But my son is taking a large chunk of it and wants more and more all the time

But it seems that you're resentful of things that are not in his control like lunch and his bus pass.

So why did you spend him to a school 10 miles away?

Why not do packed lunches?

I think he’s just being a brat to be honest. I think he does plenty and I wouldn’t entertain it.

Can you arrange for both activities to lift share with one of his friends? Also then if he wants more money for another activity then he need to start doing some agreed chores.

I think you have to do what you think is right for your family. That includes you. It sounds like you already do a lot. If that is your limit then don’t feel bad about sticking to it. I have teenage twins who do loads but recently we have had to start saying no to things, because my husband and I both work full time and we would like a bit of a life too. We are still out every evening and at the weekends ferrying them to activities, but there have been a few things where we have just said, “im sorry - it’s too far/difficult etc so we just can’t make it happen”. I think teens exist mostly for themselves, will take as much as they can get away with (your time/money/energy). They can also be ungrateful at times. It’s just a stage, they have no real perspective. The idea that their parents may have wants/needs I think is just unfathomable to them!

You will have to stand your grounds.

You and dh will have to say firm no.
You are a family of 5 and he can't get more than his share (which is already big!).
He can accept it or not.

Single parent here with 2 teens and 1 adult at uni. I won’t comment on all the costs but the ferrying around is par for the course. I do regular football runs in the week and it’s fairly far but I pack up the car with flask of tea, blankets, my laptop, music and get work or admin done. I do football games on the sat and sun and will usually watch half the game, more taxiing around Fri/Sat nights, too as we’re a bit rural.

I figure there’s only a few more years at home so I don’t actually mind it. Ex-h has them every other weekend (ish) so I get a break on a sat night. However: my teens are appreciative so I don’t mind; sometimes also I’ve just been too exhausted and put my foot down. We always discuss hobbies and expectations very carefully as there’s a limit to the driving I can/will do as a SP.

Be prepared for the standard your ruining my life blackmail, I ruined my kids many times but as adults they laugh about even trying it on.

£35 a month activity
£8 phone
£29 a month bus pass (I think transport to school is a kinda on us to provide 🤣)
£12 a month pocket money - needs to work for the rest in family business.

Older child has no pocket money as vapes and so works a part time job. I'd say no to extra activity before he gets to like to and you can't say no. You can say it's too much money , too much travelling. Will review in a year etc.

They will bleed you dry - don't let him x

OP it's not about the money or even the time is it really, that's not the biggest issue. It's his attitude and expectations and the way he is going about it that's not on. Guilt tripping and wearing you down and thinking his wants trump the rest of the family.

It would be an injustice for all of you, including him if you didn't stand your ground, the fact that he is behaving like that suggests that he needs a reality check and some firm boundaries on the issue pronto. He won't like it and that's fine it's not going to do him any lasting damage but he needs to learn that "No, means No" and that pestering to get what he wants does not get him it. Imagine what he'll be like in 10 years time if he doesn't learn this lesson now.

30miles! No chance !!

This.

My 14 year old doesn’t cost anywhere near that. His mobile bill is £5 a month, his clothes are from primark or Vinted, he reads a lot but gets his books from the library. He walks to school (half hour walk), makes his own packed lunches & does free extra curriculars through school (lunchtime debating, after school badminton & DofE). He walks or gets the bus to friends house/ town/ his dad’s. He has £2 a week pocket money, plus I pay his bus fares. Definitely games, etc only for Xmas/ bday.

He is going to Spain with school in feb, which I have paid 3/4 of and he’s paid the rest from his birthday money, but he never assumes he can have anything - he wouldn’t dream of getting arsey if I said no to anything over cost or logistics.

To be fair I’ve always taught mine that money doesn’t grow on trees and been honest with them that we can only afford holidays etc if we are sensible with what we spend the rest of the time so they are generally pretty good at not asking for expensive stuff. Plus I don’t drive so if he wants to get places he has to (and does) find his own way.

At 14, he should definitely he helping chores wise- you aren’t his maid! My 14yo dries & puts away the dishes and puts the kitchen bin out plus making his packed lunch every day & helping with dinner prep some days and will sometimes make tea for himself and his siblings (just simple stuff like fish fingers or beans on toast). He strips his bedding and remakes it. He’ll load the washing machine for me or empty the tumble drier if I ask. I think of it as life skills training!

OP I think you need to teach him the skill of being a bit more independent. You say that at that age you just got on with things and went on the bus - he needs to do this but apparently doesn't know how. Parenting means teaching them how to function independently and your boy needs a bit of guidance on how to get himself organised, budget for things he wants to do, share lifts with other families etc

My teens (16 and 14) probably cost roughly £250 a month each, not including clothes and toiletries (and likely many other things as well). Between them we take them to activities every day of the week, sometimes both going to different things on the same evening or weekend day. We chose to bring them into the world and want to give them as many opportunities as possible.
However, they're good kids who work hard at school and help at home when asked. Older child is also more independent and trains for his sport without our input most days.

I don’t think he’s being a “brat” because he wants to play sport an extra time a week while also attending school and eating meals. OP, you’ve got 3+ kids which most people choose not to do because they don’t have the money or the time. You also take an extremely low wage in return for having all the school holidays off, so you’re effectively buying yourself more time off work than the vast majority of people will ever have. These choices are obviously going to impact on your eldest child, I don’t know why you’d expect them not to. Your other two will also need to be transported and paid for when they’re his age, so I wouldn’t let yourself get too fed up of it now.

I don't think you can begrudge paying school lunch and transport. If you can't afford that, which is fine, his school needs to be reasssed. Presumably you knew the costs when he went there.

You can do packed lunch.
You don't have to spend +£100 a month on lunch but yes, of course parents are to sort transportation for school and lunch.

At 14, I'd expect to be covering their expenses, but that doesn't mean there can't and shouldn't be limits on it. If you can't afford or don't have the energy for another sport, then you say no. I'd tell him that he can do it, but he'll have to give up another activity to make room for it. He doesn't want to? Too bad. That's the deal. It sounds like he's pushing for both and being difficult about it because he's too used to having you do everything for him. Time to change that, I think. You can only do so much. Alternatively, tell him he can do both in a year or two when he is able to get himself there and back without you.