How much do you do for your teenager? Clubs, money etc?

[Longwinternights2975]

Obviously every family is different and there's no right or wrong way but my son is really guilt tripping me at the moment and I don't know if I should be doing more.
My son is 14. He is in a school 10 miles away that requires £75 a month transport, £25 a month for a laptop, he spends over £100 a month on lunches through parent pay. I pay £25 a month for him to play on a football team, which I take him to twice a week, 2 hours training on a Wednesday nights and a good 3 hours for the travel and match on a Sunday morning. He also had £10 a week pocket money. I buy him clothes and computer games regularly and £15 a month phone bill .
So I'd say on average it costs me £300 a month for him at least. He goes out with friends at least 3 times a week, football 2 times a week and a couple of nights chill.
Nothing is ever enough. I work full time and have other children. But he's constantly asking more and more from me financially and also my time.
He wants to join another sport which would be alot more travel to and fro, and the cost of that.
To be completely truthful I am too tired to do anything else and I just don't want to. I want to be able to come home from work and relax sometimes . I'm starting to feel burnt out.
The things he wants get more and more costly and he does nothing to earn it, doesn't lift a finger in the home etc.
I feel like he is really pushing me and guilt tripping me to agree by saying all his friends do multiple sports etc . They do and I know there parents are run ragged and spend so much money on it. Am I being selfish or am I supposed to put him first over everyone else in the family?

Horrible.

Dd is 14. £40 pocket money a month for wants; I buy the things she needs. She does a sport out of school 4 x a week which I take and collect her to/from. If she wants to go into town with friends she usually gets the bus but if dark/late I'll get her. She does some basic chores around the house.

Why? The OP has tried to talk to him nicely and explain and he won't take no for an answer. He needs clear boundaries and not to think he can continue trying to wear her down and eventually shell give in. It's not ok for him to learn to pester people (women in particular) until they give in to his wants.

Why get computer games when it's not a birthday or Christmas? You do enough. Give him chores and a turn cooking.

It’s only for another few short years. I would encourage him to try new things, it’s great that he is active and wants to take part, you are jointly doing great things for his future self but I do get it too. Family life is full on, as parents trying to
hold it all together we get tired but it’s short term pain for long term gain. With the best will in the world, they are teenagers, they won’t appreciate all we do for them until later. Don’t put up with bad attitude though!

I give my 15 year old £50 every four weeks for pocket money, pay his gym membership £25 monthly, phone bill £10 monthly (sim deal) school snacks £15.00 weekly (which I can’t begrudge him!) and then £35 weekly maths tuition, £120 monthly drama fees and £3.50 weekly swim club fees on top of haircuts, clothes, toiletries. He is out of the house at various clubs and volunteering four evenings per week and a Sunday morning in summer but he gets so much out of it and has pretty much completed his DofE by just doing a long walk! He also has a younger brother who is just as active.

I work shifts and generally try to get up to take him to school, if I can’t then he will cycle. Driving costs a fortune these days and that is not far away for either of us, op.

Why?

Packed lunches (it's ridiculous to spend more than £100 a month for a teenager's lunch).
Games, stuff and (expensive) clothes - it's presents for Xmas and birthday not treats.
Can phone be done cheaper?
Another sport? No way.

Most parents don't have £300 to spend on each kid. The answer is no.

And I expect my children to help out at home. We are not a hotel or a B&B.

If his friends are doing multiple sports why can't you car share taking turns to do the drop off for several boys going to the same sport? It would save you time and energy.

I do a lot for my DCs, they have £50 a month each ( but that includes clothes other than what I deem essentials) and I generally give them quite a lot of lifts to their jobs/ friends’ houses/ activities… my reasoning is that generally in the car is the one time we have a decent conversation, and in a few short years they will be gone and I will be reminiscing about carting a car load of girls around.

Having said all that, 30 miles each way would be a hard no from me! Do any of his friends do this activity? Could you get some kind of lift share in place? DD used to do an activity on a Friday night that was so far it wasn’t worth me coming back so I sat in the car for an hour. But we shared lifts with 2 other parents so I only did it every 3rd week.

You say no. End of story. You can't afford it and you don't have the time.

Why is he in a school 10 miles away? The school costs are not his fault and shouldn't be considered in this.

Is it just you or is there a dad somewhere too?

Was going to suggest this. In fact make it a condition of him doing any other sport.

Laptop £25 a month from school? For how long, or are you paying forever? And then will you own it? Ask them if they have bursary or loan schemes to help less well off parents with the cost.

He didn't pick his school, so that's not his fault.

He's 14, he can't drive, presumably public transport isn't available (or you'd not want to pay the cost), he can't really get a job because a lot of places won't hire him.

What's he supposed to do?

It sounds a lot but it's only £5 a day. Could maybe get it down to £3 or £4. When my ds was at school we loaded £80 at a time and that lasted about 3 weeks, maybe bit more.

DD is 14.
£11 a week for her 2 Drama clubs, £15/month for her phone.
She takes packed lunches to school.
In terms of chores, she makes her own lunches, walks the dog and washes up sometimes.

We are thankfully able to spend quite a bit on our teens but they know what is an acceptable amount to spend. They don't spend anywhere near 100 quid a month and sometimes they'll take packed lunches.

Other cost we pay for: all their extra curriculars which is quite a lot considering I have 3 teens (one is 12 but close enough) but they enjoy it and it keeps them busy. This includes netball club, gymnastics lessons, piano lessons, swimming lessonsx3 and quite a lot more so it gets a bit full on considering I also have 2 younger children. Also clothes, phone bills, meals, if they're out shopping and want something and I think it's fine, I'm happy to buy it. One of them has a job but she's working on saving that money which is fine. They don't really get a set amount on their card but if they're out, they can message me to transfer cash and I generally will because I trust them. Not crazy amounts but they know they have to be sensible with what they're spending!!

Edit: Oh also, they help out a lot around the house. Obviously their rooms are kept tidy as a given, but they need to unload the dishwasher, do the dishes, tidy up the living room etc. They don't have a set list of chores but if I ask them to help then they should unless they have a valid reason!! They don't get paid for this because imo it should be essential.

I’m trying my best not to raise arrogant, entitled children within my income bracket. Here’s what I give mine: £1200 annual school bus pass (they go to a school out of catchment, so local authority does not fund—I do not count this as their “spending money”—it goes straight to the bus company), packed lunches for school, music lessons at school (£13/week—I don’t count this as “spending money”), sports are all after-school clubs run by the school, £5/week pocket money (£4 directly into their current account and £1 into a ringfenced savings account—they’ll have carte blanche to do whatever they choose with this when they leave school at 18–it will be a few hundred pounds), £416/year clothing budget (£8/week put into a ringfenced account—they budget for what they want, and they also usually get asked what they’d like for Christmas/birthday, so often get given an item or two by us or grandparents). Their school has lots of residential trips, so I’ve said they can choose one to go on per year, not all of them. They are responsible for funding their mobile bill (£5/month SIM card) and anything else they’d like, eg McDonald’s with friends, etc. If they’d like more money, they need to earn it—I have a list of jobs they can do for cash.

I would never pay £5 a day for the kids' lunch. £100 a month is ridiculous compared to a packed lunch.
OP earns £1200 a month to run her family on.

Ds - £16 a month for cadets, £27 a week for maths tuition, £10 a week for jujitsu and a snack, £20 a month for the barbers. He takes a pack lunch to school but usually spends £1 on a drink on his way back from school.

dd - £60 a week on German tuition, plus £1500 a year on a private German A level course. She’s just started driving lessons - £60 for two hours. About £20 a week for lunches.

I think two hobbies per child is absolutely reasonable to be honest and a sort of ideal minimum standard. Is the dad in the picture? How many kids do you have?

Dd (14)
£30 a term for guides
£160 a term for dance classes
Ferry her to all of those and to her volunteering position on a Monday night.

£38 a month phone / wifi

£60 ish for school break / lunches

If she goes to cinema or whatever I'll pay for that but if she goes shopping for 'wants' not needs then she needs to pay.

Ds (17) is at Uni, £2000 a term for accommodation and £38 a month for his phone.

Could you not come to an agreement like:

He makes his own pack lunches each evening which in turn saves the family £60 a month?

If it’s your time, could you ‘trade’ jobs i.e. you give him an extra lift for the sake of him preparing dinner one evening a week?

Could you allow him to do as many sports as he wants as long as it doesn’t cost you more than £70 a month and you’re only prepared to do two hours driving during the week.

That puts the ownership back on to him to figure out a solution.

You are not being unreasonable to want some nights to spend with the other kids, or to just chill.
Time for a chat about balancing the needs of everyone in the family, at 14 (not 4!) he is old enough to be made to understand the world does not revolve around him eh!

To answer your question, for my 14yo DD:

• school bus is funded thankfully by the council
• 2 years ago my mum bought her a top of the range laptop
• i pay her phone bill of £8/month and obvs all clothes/toiletries (any make up she wants is paid for with pocket money)
• she does swimming £38/month and parkrun (free, well plus a bacon roll after!) at weekends
• she gets £20/month pocket money here and more at Ex-H’s house
• i pay about £20/month for her to have lunch on Fridays at school and for their donuts which she loves, Mon-thur she takes a packed lunch

Ours have £10 a week to fritter as they please.
We pay for phone, school lunches, laptop, bus, school trips (seems to be loads for A levels) haircuts, school clothes, things they have to have.
I still buy nearly all toiletries with supermarket shop, except things like fancy make up eldest DD likes.
DH will usually bung them an extra £20 if they’re off out somewhere.
We pay for driving lessons and a small car as we live rurally with no public transport options.
They have PT jobs too.

Teenagers are expensive, there is no getting away from it!

I don’t think it’s fair to include the cost of his school transport or lunches in the amount you spend on him. Those are mandatory expenses. You should only be counting discretionary spending, like what you spend for his pocket money or his activity.

as for your time, as a parent of multiple children, I would expect to be run ragged. Multiple children with competing schedules is going to mean you are always busy.