Caught between my daughter and her step mum (my wife)

[80sDad]

Morning all,

I’m hoping that someone can help me with some advice here, as I feel I’m caught between making a decision to leave my wife out of loyalty to my daughter.

A brief overview of our home situation - I have two daughters, a 20yr old who’s currently travelling and a 16yr old, who stays with us half the time. I split with the kids mum 8 years ago and have since remarried to my wife who I met 6 years ago.

My wife admittedly (to me) says she does struggle with my daughter and feels awkward around her which more often than not is very obvious. She rarely makes an effort to go out of her way to engage with my daughter unless we are all together and a lot of the time, even then it’s bare minimum. My ex wife said to me last year that my daughter had said to her that she (my wife) feels like she doesn’t like her. When I brought this up to my wife, she felt bad and made an effort that week, and my daughter was definitely more engaging with both of us to the point she spent most of the week and weekend with us rather than be in her room like she usually does. That didn’t last long.

We’ve just had another weekend of the same level of uncomfort where I feel I am the person in the middle when we sit for dinner. My wife doesn’t really speak to her and if my daughter talks, she talks to me mostly. So I feel caught in trying to make conversation to include the two of them.

What upsets me is that my wife can come across quite mean towards her - not directly but indirectly to me. She will make digs about her doing things like constantly leaving her cup in the kitchen, taking a lunchbox to school that isn’t hers, using stuff of her sisters when she isn’t here etc. Real petty stuff that teenagers do but it’s wearing my down. To the point my wife goes in moods and it creates arguments and atmosphere between the two of us over little things.

My daughter is a good kid, but a typical teenager that comes with attitude. She’s never been involved with parenting her since we’ve been together, and I’ve been okay with that as my daughter was 10 when we got together and has her own mum for parenting (ie my wife isn’t a replacement mum for my daughters).

It’s constantly causing arguments between my wife and I because I feel caught between my loyalty for my daughter and keeping my wife happy. Deep down, I know my wife would be happier if it was just the two of us (my wife and I), and it really upsets me.

Last night was another argument after my daughter went to bed. I’d brought it up that all weekend and at dinner, my wife made no effort with her yet again to engage. Only making digs at me because I’d emptied the dishwasher (my daughter’s job but she was studying so I did it) and then not conversing with her at dinner. When I brought it up she just gets defensive and says that all my daughter does is speak to me. I can’t blame her for that as I’d be the same if I thought someone didn’t like me! I keep saying to my wife that she’s the adult to which she agrees but it’s always short lived and we always go back to the same place.

I really don’t know what to do, and makes me sad to the point when I feel like this, I feel like I should move out and take my daughter with me to make a point. Which, I know, would be a nuclear response and would probably make it all worse.

She’s completely different if we are in company with other people - but never when she’s either with her alone or just the three of us.

Any advice from someone who’s been through the same? It’s something that can’t be discussed with my daughter as it would break her heart and at the same time, the three of us talking it out just isn’t an option.

My DD's are 17 and 18. They do not like their Dads partner for various reasons and she resents the hell out of them. This culminated in last weekend, when she got drunk and screamed in DD'2s face at a party. Their Dad, by ex Husband did nothing, has not stuck up for them, and has refused to apologise for it or ask her to.
After years of this sort of thing, they have both said they have had enough. He has chosen her one too many times. We have all been in tears over it because he is their Dad and as their other parent he should be protecting them (as I would), and putting them first when push comes to shove.

I've got two very hurt girls who will now have to live with the knowledge that their Dad didn't stand up for them when he should have. I hope they will mend things with him but it doesn't look great for the foreseeable.

Don't be him OP. If your wife can't behave like a grown up, then please prioritise your kid.

You’re a twit and I don’t think we’ve got the full story.

Nice message. Would you like me to make up some things for dramatic effect?

OP original poster ie you
DC dear child(ren)
DSM dear step mother
DGC dear grandchild(ren)
DD1 eldest daughter
DS2 second eldest son
STBXW soon to be ex wife
PIL parents in law
LTB leave the bastard
YA(N)BU you are (not) being unreasonable

Thank you for that - I’d never have got half of those

I think your wife feels threatened by them, is resentful of them (money, attention) and feels in competition. She doesn’t want to share you with other women, no matter who they are.

There are women in my extended family like this. Sometimes I feel like “the mistress” they make me feel so detested.

Other women in my family are the complete opposite. Chilled out, loads of love to go around, come on in, the more the merrier.

Is there a particular dynamic between you and your youngest like daddy’s girl or your youngest/ the baby? This would annoy your DW.

I think when someone remarries they should make a lot of time to see their DC alone without the spouse. As a step child I can tell you, no one wants a step mum or dad. Some do, most don’t. Out of all the horrible things that have happened to me over my life, some very traumatic, having a vile SM was the worst.

Your wife needs to do this, surely?

First step is some common ground.
Anything, tv programmes. film, books, music. One thing they both like??

Same here, my step mum was awful to me, but luckily I never lived or stayed with them, I only used to see them for a few hours once a week, but she just didn't want my dad's 'baggage' as she liked to call it, she did everything she could to make me feel unwelcome and my dad did anything for a quiet life, so it really is horrible for children to be put in that position.

But, saying that, I think a lot of people on here are projecting from their own (bad) experiences of step parents and isn't necessarily relevant to your family. It doesn't sound like your wife is horrible to your daughter, she just sounds frustrated.

I honestly think this may be a case of your wife isn't allowed to say anything negative to or about your daughter, even if her behaviour would normally need a quick pull up from a parent figure, so now she says nothing instead (safest option) and the by product of that is have no relationship at all.

I know you say she doesn't need another parent but your wife IS a step parent, you can't ask her to parent your DD with all the good bits and rejoice in that, while simultaneously having to keep her mouth shut / opinions to herself on all other aspects of their relationship. You can't have it both ways basically, you all need to communicate better.

If your wife is a generally social person capable of pleasant interaction with others, it isn’t “coming across” that she doesn’t like your daughter - she doesn’t like her. This won’t change. I say this as the previous stepdaughter in a similar situation. is she okay with your older daughter when she’s around?

You need to be very clear with your wife that this is a dealbreaker and you are prepared to leave over this. Then perhaps talking therapy (either for her alone, or you two, and ideally one day the three of you). Sorry you’re in this situation. I know it made my parent miserable too. X

i kind of agree here.. there is something thats not adding up, either you genuinely do not know, or you don't think whatever it is is an issue?

I’m a stepmum and I can’t imagine ever treating any 16 year old like this let alone my dsc. I suspect your wife is controlling in many ways and is triangulating from your family to focus on hers - you need to nip that in the bud immediately.

i like your ultimatum. I would go a step further, get legal advice, so your ducks are sorted for 2 months. She needs to see you’re serious about this and that you will leave if she doesn’t sort herself out.