Son demanding expensive items which I can't afford

[Uncomfortableinmyownhome]

How is best to manage these situations? I'm a low earner (school support staff) and my husband is currently off work sick so money is very tight. We can pay all of the bills , food etc and do have some left over for days out / to fix the car etc but we aren't flush with cash and it's important we save some for emergencies.
We live in an area where my 13 year old sons school mates families all have more money than us, they have 2 working parents on good wages.
They get spoilt rotten with all the new consoles, games , subscriptions, expensive clothes and trainers and very expensive bikes bought for them throughout the year , not just birthdays and Xmas. I know this as we are all friends.
My son does get everything he requests, but has to wait until Xmas for a console for example whereas they just get bought one anytime. I buy his clothes off vinted whereas they get taken to jd sports and get £500 spent on them. I have to save up for larger priced items so he may have to wait a while but I always try to best to make sure he has the same or similar to them.
His current obsession is a new bike. Him and his friends go out biking every day. He has a £500 bike which I fully expected to last him until adulthood . That was a really expensive purchase for us. He'd had it for 18 months.
According to him, his friends have a new bike every 6 months and one of them is was £2000 and one was £4000. Ive seen these new bikes as their parents have out photos on social media. I think spending that amount is absolutely ridiculous and I wouldn't be spending that even if I was a millionaire.(up to them what they want to do with their money)
He's telling me they are laughing at him because his bike is rubbish. Which is funny seeing as we bought it off one of them and they were telling us how great it was (it's retail price was £1000 and we paid £500 for it) He is now begging me for a new one which is £1000 . I cannot afford this , not even for Xmas.
He knows our financial pressure but can't seem to accept it. He keeps pushing and pushing and causing arguments about it. I've told him we would have to go without food for me to save up for that for him. What does he expect me to do? I only warn just over £1000 a month and inl work full time!! We have another child aswell so not fair to just be spending that on one of them.
I don't know if this matters at all but he does have adhd with asd traits and he desperately tries to fit in. He also is very impulsive, especially with wanting to buy things and he doesn't seem to be able to accept no is no . He thinks if he asks me about it over and over again I will eventually give in and say yes.
He is making me feel like shit regarding our financial situation. We are also in the process of separating, and when that is sorted money will be even tighter, I will have to claim universal credit to top up my wage

*should read I only earn just over £1000 a month and I work full time

If he's a confident cyclist, could he get a paper round and save up for it himself?

Look for second hand? Nothing you can do really he just has to learn you live within your means.

You need to teach him about finances. He needs to understand how to budget and he could start thinking about what career he wants if he is money oriented. He can earn his own money by offering gardening, etc. for neighbours if he is so inclined. If he just wants you to give him money then the answer is obviously no, we don't have it.

It’s a good life lesson for him. You will be doing him a favour, if you give him everything he wants he will soon get into debt as an adult. You are being kind to him and he will see this when he looks back as an older adult.

Doesn’t help you now but stand in the wind, keep your position and let him strop about it. Do not give in.

I've tried to teach him about money. I explain to him how many hours I have to work to buy something for example which he was shocked at.
There doesn't seem anything round here that he could do at his age for work, we have looked. We live semi rurally in a village, at least 10 miles from the nearest shopping area etc.

You just have to keep repeating to him, 'I don't have £1,000 for a new bike and can't afford it. If you want expensive items you'll need to wait til you can get a job and save up for them. That's how life works',

Ignore any pressure. I'd be very neutral about this - tell him, 'Don't go out with them then. If they are the kind of idiots who judge someone on what they own then they aren't worth having as friends'.

Any comments about you not earning enough need to be met with 'Well, buckle down at school and aim for a really well paid job then. You'll discover when you are actually working that most of your money goes on dull stuff like rent, electricity, tax and food. If you want luxury items then you'll need to be really well qualified.'

If he keeps going on just repeat that you are not discussing it again, the answer won't change and if he cannot accept that then you won't allow him to mix with people he can't financially keep up with.

You need to be really firm with him, ADHD, possible ASC, or not. He has to understand both the reality, and the effect it is having on you. Your financial situation may be temporary (who knows, a lottery win may be round the corner!), but his attitude towards it needs to improve immediately. TBH even if you had the money, his attitude is dreadful.

He's learning a lot of bad lessons from these so-called friends. They sound like brats, it isn't good parenting to give your child everything they want constantly regardless of how wealthy they are.

Tbh it must be hard for ds to compare but I'd he mature enough to have a sensible and serious conversation about this? Not about family finances but about larger issues of entitlement, gratefulness, his friends being unkind to him for having less and if that is being a 'good' friend.

You could gently threaten to take him to a soup kitchen/food bank or similar do he can see how lucky he is.

Funny - we live in an affluent area and kids attended private school, have wealthy friends etc. My DD and her friends frequently shop in vinted and I have to force my sons to part with their well worn trainers ... they think most "stuff" are a waste of money.
You are not going to be able to keep up with the Jones'. I wouldn't even try. And given your DS's neurodiversity, it seems he cannot think about this and understand so you are going to have to stand your ground

You need to use this one word. No.

As Hatty says, go for the broken record technique. when he says 'can I get a new bike' reply 'when you save the money to pay for it' and repeat every time he says it. he will get bored eventually.

Get this straight.

They are NOT laughing at him because his bike is rubbish

They are laughing at him because they are bullies

No amount of new bikes will stop them being bullies.

Stick to your guns - he has to learn he can't have everything. Maybe as PP has said, he should consider getting a job to help contribute? Maybe if he realised the value of money in first-hand terms he would be less demanding for over-priced labels etc.

I have several affluent couple friends (of which I am not one I might add!) with children at private school etc, and none of them are buying bikes and consoles every 6 months. That would be utterly ridiculous and wasteful, and frankly setting a poor example to their kids that nothing has value as you can have whatever you want whenever you want it.

I do appreciate nobody wants their kids to miss out or be the odd one, however if they are teasing him for being less well-off that's a bit telling isn't it.

Yes I am repeatedly telling him no and the reason why but he just can't seem to accept it. It's as if he thinks I am going to suddenly be able to come up with the money.
Also , I don't want him to have another bike. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the bike he has got and he doesn't need another one. Even if I had thr money, it is an unnecessary purchase.

Your son needs to accept financial reality. And see his "friends" behaviour for what it is. The problem is NOT lack of spending money in your family - it is the nasty behaviour of the people your son is hanging out with

My son does get everything he requests

Has this been the case throughout his entire childhood? Children shouldn’t get everything they request. They need to learn that sometimes life doesn’t give you exactly what you want, when you want it. Time to teach him that he’ll be just fine even if others have flashier things. It doesn’t matter that he’s sad or persistent, you need to stand your ground.

Well there are two choices, he doesn't get it, or he finds a way to save up for it himself. It doesn't matter how many times he asks, if you can't afford it the answer is no.

Yes the worry here is that he thinks a flash bike will make him fit in and it won’t. He’s clearly worried about fitting in so maybe what he heeds is to find his people who he feels more at ease with?

"You know your father is not working. You know we don't have £1k to spend on a new bike. You are old enough not to be asking for things you know we can not afford."

By his age he should have more cop on.

It's wearing, but keep saying no it's not affordable at all, he might as well be asking for a Porsche!

Thing is, he knows this! But isn't mature enough to cognitively process that he can't have something - does he hear no to other things?

I really wouldn't entertain bargaining i.e. putting it on a credit card and it being two Christmases and a birthday, or him earning money for it (unless these a budding Richard Branson in there!), does he know how to save for things? It's a really tough thing to learn (especially on a low income), but keeping a clear consistent line of no it's not affordable, so stop asking as it's annoying will help, although will take time to sink in that you actually mean it.

Otherwise, I'd say it's time for him to learn age appropriate budgeting, so set amount to buy school lunches/clothes/stationery and if he burns through it all, tough shit, no bail outs! The trouble is on a tight budget you cannot afford for him to mess up too much or too often.

Another way is to ask him how much he thinks things are? Water bills, rent/mortgage, electric, mobiles, broadband, food - show him how a budget works, so far it sounds like he thinks there is a magic money tree, where you've protected him from a harsh financial reality.

Even if you bought the bike, they’d tease him about something else next.

I think that he needs to consider if this is what good friends do? Ds has mentioned kids who are very wealthy so have stuff that I would never buy like £500 trainers but understands that’s not the norm.

Keep on repeating that he can buy a 2k bike when he earns the money himself. He needs to be proactive and look for and learn about working rather than you look into the matter for him like you mentioned in an update.

OP I earn more than you and I wouldn't spend £1000 on a bike for my teen son. It would just get stolen or wrecked. I've only ever bought consoles as a family present (contributions from grandparents, u cles etc) for birthday or Xmas.
You sound like you are bringing up your son to be mindful of money and view treats and special presents as just that. These are good life lessons.
As with any teen, your DS will not appreciate these life lessons now. He will when he's older. So you'll.just have to hold the line until he gets it. Which is "no". Encourage him to look for a job perhaps and then he can buy his own stuff.

My grandson with ASD and ADHD is the same however many times we tell him and explain he asks over and over again.It is exhausting.He then goes on to another thing can I have this game o please just this one.When something is bought he wants something else.I feel for you.

It’s not easy for you or your children and I think it’s important to acknowledge that. It’s fine to tell him that you wish things were different and imv the robust responses on her don’t get to grips with how hard it is for you and for your DS. All parents want their children to have nice things and at your son’s age, he will think it’s very unfair. It’s one thing when you and your contemporaries are all in a similar situation but it goes very deep when your friends have stuff and do things that you don’t have and can’t do. What he’s telling you might not be exactly true in terms of the amounts involved. 13 is young to do a paper round or similar and you want to make sure that its doesn’t make him too tired. It might be possible to get him paid holiday work but I’d be very careful to make sure he isn’t being exploited. Also be alert to him suddenly having money or no longer asking for things.