Son demanding expensive items which I can't afford

[Uncomfortableinmyownhome]

How is best to manage these situations? I'm a low earner (school support staff) and my husband is currently off work sick so money is very tight. We can pay all of the bills , food etc and do have some left over for days out / to fix the car etc but we aren't flush with cash and it's important we save some for emergencies.
We live in an area where my 13 year old sons school mates families all have more money than us, they have 2 working parents on good wages.
They get spoilt rotten with all the new consoles, games , subscriptions, expensive clothes and trainers and very expensive bikes bought for them throughout the year , not just birthdays and Xmas. I know this as we are all friends.
My son does get everything he requests, but has to wait until Xmas for a console for example whereas they just get bought one anytime. I buy his clothes off vinted whereas they get taken to jd sports and get £500 spent on them. I have to save up for larger priced items so he may have to wait a while but I always try to best to make sure he has the same or similar to them.
His current obsession is a new bike. Him and his friends go out biking every day. He has a £500 bike which I fully expected to last him until adulthood . That was a really expensive purchase for us. He'd had it for 18 months.
According to him, his friends have a new bike every 6 months and one of them is was £2000 and one was £4000. Ive seen these new bikes as their parents have out photos on social media. I think spending that amount is absolutely ridiculous and I wouldn't be spending that even if I was a millionaire.(up to them what they want to do with their money)
He's telling me they are laughing at him because his bike is rubbish. Which is funny seeing as we bought it off one of them and they were telling us how great it was (it's retail price was £1000 and we paid £500 for it) He is now begging me for a new one which is £1000 . I cannot afford this , not even for Xmas.
He knows our financial pressure but can't seem to accept it. He keeps pushing and pushing and causing arguments about it. I've told him we would have to go without food for me to save up for that for him. What does he expect me to do? I only warn just over £1000 a month and inl work full time!! We have another child aswell so not fair to just be spending that on one of them.
I don't know if this matters at all but he does have adhd with asd traits and he desperately tries to fit in. He also is very impulsive, especially with wanting to buy things and he doesn't seem to be able to accept no is no . He thinks if he asks me about it over and over again I will eventually give in and say yes.
He is making me feel like shit regarding our financial situation. We are also in the process of separating, and when that is sorted money will be even tighter, I will have to claim universal credit to top up my wage

“I’m sorry darling, I can’t afford it.”
Simples.

He needs new friends really, although I appreciate this is a hard ask for any teen, but rural communities are even harder with a smaller pool to choose from. They are bullies.

Even semi-rural has job opportunities for youngsters. Here, some have pet feeding or babysitting services, some work at the local stables, and a couple collect glasses at the village pubs. Some who are into country pursuits get paid for beating.

I wonder if he's learnt he gets what he wants if he beats you down and makes you feel guilty. You'll crack eventually. I would try buying him (a lot) less, not more.

I wouldn't be up for buying a new bike after only 18 months either and our family income is a lot more than yours, OP. I don't believe in getting the latest thing just because.

I also doubt every other child in his school is getting lots of new things either - he's just focusing on those who do and sees it as a way to keep up with them.

You are not letting him down by not being able to buy these things, whatever he says. At 13 he's unlikely to find a job, but he will be able to in a few years - let him look towards that and have a stock answer every time he asks - e.g. sorry, we can't afford that / you don't need it.

I haven’t read the entire thread but is there a reason he wants a new bike, beyond the boys laughing at him?

It’s tough and my children didn’t learn this lesson until they actually got jobs , so there was a year or two of ‘wanting’ and acting up until they were old enough to work. Funnily enough they learned to cut their cloth and have more realistic desires once they started seeing their own wage packets dwindle quickly.
Ultimately the lesson to learn is that if friends are bullying you for not having x item, they’re not great friends but again, teen brains aren’t all reason and common sense .
It can of course take a dark turn with teens because there always bad ways to get money and you want to avoid them getting sucked into these worlds. Difficult line to tread.
Mine have on occasion told me they’ll ’set up an only fans then’ , which they won’t but is a very emotionally manipulative strategy. I tell them I’ll do one too which usually closes down the conversation pretty pronto.

It's a tricky one. My brother had this as his friends were all wealthy but even they didn't make him feel bad but he couldn't keep up with them (and to be honest, they weren't that spoilt either just very wealthy). I agree with others that this sounds like bullying behaviour.

Also, don't underestimate how much boys this age lie/ exaggerate to their mates.

Keep to your guns and keep saying no and encourage him to get a job as soon as possible. It will help him understand the value of things if he has to earn them himself.

That’s not even minimum wage…?

It's difficult with young teens when they all want to fit in, and that seems to mean endless consumerism.
The sad fact is he can't have something just bc someone else has it, nor should he aspire to gain popularity through material things.
He sounds like he has plenty. Does he know there are kids who share a bed with their siblings and mum, as they have to live in one room?
If he works hard at school, and also gets a Saturday job then he can try and save for the extra things he reckons he 'needs'.
Maybe he could do some volunteering in a less affluent area? If he likes bikes could he teach younger ones how to fix them for example?
He'd soon see how lucky he really is when encountered with real genuine poverty.
But you are providing everything and he is not suffering or neglected. He just needs to learn the truth about life.

He needs better friends, not a better bike.

@ScamanthaBrick I said upthread I work as support staff in a school full time hours but it's term time only. We are paid monthly so when you stretch it over the year it works out less than min wage but have 13 weeks off

That's what school support staff earn. It's terrible.

It is true that these friends have all this stuff bought for them regularly. I am friends with their families so spend time in their homes and they also post it on social media.
They take their biking very seriously which is fair enough and one does competitions etc but my son doesn't, he only rides for fun. His current bike is in perfect condition and he does not require a new one which I have told him.
He won't be getting it regardless but it really wears me down.

Just rinse and repeat - no, we can’t afford it. But even if you could, that sort of spending is insane. His friends have been turned into rude spoilt brats because they get what they want.
I didn’t have much money, bought nothing for my ds during the year and did my best to treat him for Christmas and Birthday. I didn’t care what his better off friends had. I was lucky, he didn’t complain, but if he had gone on and on, I would have taken the bike / wifi / console, whatever, away, until he shut up.

its a simple word... NO! sorry DC i can't afford to spend that kind of money on a bike.

kids have to learn sometimes that they can't always have what they want

He already has a £1000 bike. He does need a new bike and he doesn’t have money for one. I can’t see what the “discussion” would be?

i can understand if cycling is a hobby for people then they take great pride in their bikes. i myself used to ride round on one costing £3000.. add up all the kit as well and it came to a pretty penny.. just explain to DC that its their hobby.. and no sorry we can't afford it

My son (autism) was similar but not with bikes.

At 13 there may be things he can do to earn money.

He could offer to wash cars - similar age lads on my estate did that on Saturday. He'd need to price up the sponges and cleaner etc.

He could do a yard sale and sell some of his old stuff.

He could put some of his old stuff on eBay/facebook.

If you sit down with him and spend time thinking of ways to make money it becomes much more his problem.

You'll probably find the whinging goes down as well.

My son is younger, has ASD and ADHD and he gets a small amount of pocket money each week and a cash book. He actually has a written record of what he has spent and knows how much he would have if he hadn’t spent it. He asks for things to be bought for him, he may strop when we say no, but he also knows he has the autonomy to save for it himself. It’s hard work but he is learning about the value of money.

If he needs extra money for a non-essential a teenager can work for it, we live rurally but there are always young teens available for odd jobs, grass cutting, leaf raking, picking up windfall apples etc. Help him write a list of what he could do and then make an advert or put on a local group.

Tell him if he wants it then he can sell his current bike along with his console and other things. You can’t magic money out of nowhere. Besides, that’s extortionate. Spoilt kids are unpleasant.

This. He needs better friends.

You need to start implementing consequences for him asking for something you've already said no to. Your son sounds like a brat, and it's your job as his parent to turn him into a decent adult.

The amount of stuff his friends get doesn't sound normal to me - are you in a very affluent area? A £2,000 bike every 6 months? What? We're high earners, DS at private school and I can't relate at all to this amount of expenditure on kids.

If you don't have the money you don't have the money end of. He will just have to accept it.

Are they laughing at him or is he saying that to try and make you feel bad? Hard to say without knowing the kids and ages etc

Just say no and tell him to stop being disrespectful. Do yoh really believe his friends get a new bike every 6 months? Sounds unlikely to me! He can save up.