Son demanding expensive items which I can't afford

[Uncomfortableinmyownhome]

How is best to manage these situations? I'm a low earner (school support staff) and my husband is currently off work sick so money is very tight. We can pay all of the bills , food etc and do have some left over for days out / to fix the car etc but we aren't flush with cash and it's important we save some for emergencies.
We live in an area where my 13 year old sons school mates families all have more money than us, they have 2 working parents on good wages.
They get spoilt rotten with all the new consoles, games , subscriptions, expensive clothes and trainers and very expensive bikes bought for them throughout the year , not just birthdays and Xmas. I know this as we are all friends.
My son does get everything he requests, but has to wait until Xmas for a console for example whereas they just get bought one anytime. I buy his clothes off vinted whereas they get taken to jd sports and get £500 spent on them. I have to save up for larger priced items so he may have to wait a while but I always try to best to make sure he has the same or similar to them.
His current obsession is a new bike. Him and his friends go out biking every day. He has a £500 bike which I fully expected to last him until adulthood . That was a really expensive purchase for us. He'd had it for 18 months.
According to him, his friends have a new bike every 6 months and one of them is was £2000 and one was £4000. Ive seen these new bikes as their parents have out photos on social media. I think spending that amount is absolutely ridiculous and I wouldn't be spending that even if I was a millionaire.(up to them what they want to do with their money)
He's telling me they are laughing at him because his bike is rubbish. Which is funny seeing as we bought it off one of them and they were telling us how great it was (it's retail price was £1000 and we paid £500 for it) He is now begging me for a new one which is £1000 . I cannot afford this , not even for Xmas.
He knows our financial pressure but can't seem to accept it. He keeps pushing and pushing and causing arguments about it. I've told him we would have to go without food for me to save up for that for him. What does he expect me to do? I only warn just over £1000 a month and inl work full time!! We have another child aswell so not fair to just be spending that on one of them.
I don't know if this matters at all but he does have adhd with asd traits and he desperately tries to fit in. He also is very impulsive, especially with wanting to buy things and he doesn't seem to be able to accept no is no . He thinks if he asks me about it over and over again I will eventually give in and say yes.
He is making me feel like shit regarding our financial situation. We are also in the process of separating, and when that is sorted money will be even tighter, I will have to claim universal credit to top up my wage

I think you have two issues here.

1. The ADHD which is really tough to handle with money as impulse control can be difficult and the next "must have" can be obsessed over. On that it might be getting him to self coach to wait before buying anything and assess what is necessary and what is affordable and to work out how to get an alternative dopamine hit.

1. Is the materialistic approach which is more a discussion and again self coaching into would he judge any friends of his who couldn't afford something and would he want their parents to get into debt to pay for stuff and what is more important people or stuff, roof over their head and food in the table or stuff.

Not sure if you can turn any of this into a game or can watch a programme about these sorts of issues to get you talking.

@op

Don't forget to spend money on yourself when you can. Your wants and needs are as important as your children's.

I didn't do this and regret it.

Saying no is perfectly fine. It won't scar him for life.

He's 13. I'm sure it is very wearing. I'd come down hard on this as otherwise it's all you are going to get, about whatever is on the wish list, for the next 5 years.

He has a bike and he is 13. He can get a paper round.

its a take as old as time “everyone else has one. I’m the only one”. It’s complete rubbish of course.

my dc have things like a console etc at Christmas and birthdays. That’s it. If they want anything at any other time them they have to wait. It isn’t good for them to just give them everything they demand. We earn high six figures between us so it isn’t to do with finance as such, I just don’t want them to be spoilt.

I explain to him how many hours I have to work to buy something for example which he was shocked at.

This is what I told my son. Everyone works hard. Everyone is tired at the end of a working day. No matter what job you do, everyone is working hard. BUT some people are paid £11 an hour and some people are paid £200 an hour.

I told him to think about what he wants. If he wants clothes, food, holidays, haircuts, subscriptions, a house, a car, whatever. It all needs to be paid for. The more he wants, the more he will have to earn. So focus on your education, have a plan, know what you want and work towards it but, most importantly, you need to understand finance.

My son got a job as a pot washer when he was 14. He saved most of the money so that when he went uni he could support himself.

Your son needs a long term view. Wanting things here and now which will be of no interest to him in the future is just a waste of money. Teach him. Explain to him how budgets work. Ask him to plan the family food shop. This is a really great opportunity for you to give him a life changing education. This could be the making of him.

Check if you are entitled to claim universal credit

Say No!

I'm a single mum to a teen ds and he has had to learn that he can't have everything new all the time.

He has a gaming PC and a bike but they will last him two- three years. He bought his own console by saving up birthday money.

As a result, he is careful with money and seldom puts me under pressure. Your ds is old enough to understand. And at 13 he is old enough to earn money washing neighbours cars and cutting lawns. Paper round?

Your son is very vulnerable to people who could rope him into criminal activity with promises of money or desirable material goods.

I'd be very tempted to get him away from his so called friends and find some other outlet for him - sports, am dram, anything he could do to keep him busy and distracted.

I agree, who pays £2,000-£4,000 for a bike every 18 months?
I don't know what's more alarming, your son's ridiculous requests, or your willingness to fulfill it if you had the money just so he can "fit in" and turn even more spoilt.

No advice as such OP but wanted to offer a hand hold as I’ve been there with my ADHD / ASD DS. I would think of it as his latest hyper focus and deal with it in the same way as any other hyper focus, usually distraction.

However, DS is now almost 18 and working full time. He is still impulsive but recognises the value of money, works super hard and is very money driven. He’s worked to pay for driving lessons, his own car and is paying his insurance monthly.

Forgot to add, at that age he was obsessed with designer brands and names etc. Now he recognises the cost of those items and in main isn’t fussed about them and what he does want he buys from Vinted or good looking copies. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

He does still hyper focus some times though but now he’s working, it’s a good thing as he puts the hours in to buy it. Last thing was a personalised number plate for his car. Not needed but became obsessed with it. As long as he’s paid his insurance and board then he can do that.

He’s also now very very good at selling on the items that he’s previously bought to fund future projects. He sees it as a challenge to see if he can make money on things. Maybe this is something you could point your DS towards. Before he was working, he would buy (or get free items) from Facebook marketplace, do them up and sell them on at a profit.

If your son gets everything he asks for, then that’s why he refuses to take ‘no’ for an answer. You’ve trained him to behave like this. He’s got a perfectly good bike and it was expensive.

$1000 for a kids bike wow.
Yeah we live and are like this in our family and if you want that wait until he earns his own.$.
Tell him to tell his friends to stop being so shallow laughing at him.
Why do teen boys insist on labels, having the best. Isnt it all cheap overrated like the rest.
If i had a $1000 for a bike I would be rather happy as well as a fulltime worker!

Invite the friends over for pizza one Friday night for a movie night.
Confidently admire their bikes and also state that your family is not nearly as rich as theirs. Say clearly that you would never afford nor justify new bikes like theirs for Ds. The young boys need to hear the reality of others.
Your son is uncomfortable and maybe embarrassed.

He needs to hear the same NO from you, over and over.
He also could benefit by you telling his friends that his bike will not be upgraded - less pressure for him to save face.

Your son will be old enough for a part time job in a few years and he can save for his ideal bike then.

No is a full sentence!

Show him the sums and get him to work out where the money should come from which of your bills you should stop paying or which of you should go without food.

Meanwhile make him feel loved in non-material ways and ask him if he thinks friends that laugh at him because he doesn't get a new bike every 6 months are real friends.

Does he get pocket money? I know you probably think that is something you cannot afford but even £1 a week (and the same for the other child) he can start saving.

Do you have any older or disabled neighbours? I used to have a teenager clean my shower base because it was virtually impossible for me to do.

Can he wash cars? Do jobs like that?

I think just say and keep saying that when he earns or saves the £1,000 himself he can spend it on a bike.

I'd also stress that he's already got a bike to put him on until he's saved up enough.

Say that when he's saved enough you'll help him sell his current bike to help him buy the next one.

So next time when he asks for a new bike, ask him how much he's managed to save to buy it?

If he hasn't got a savings account set up, help him to set one up for his bike fund.

It's all about subtly changing the way you frame this. This is his business, his choice and his responsibility. It's not yours and it's clearly way outside your budget.

It might be that he'd prefer to have a contribution into his savings account for Christmas rather than gifts. He could ask the extended family for donations into his account towards his bike rather than presents.

I didn't see his age in the comments but on a plus, it gets him into a saving mindset, it helps establish good habits, and he'll either achieve his goal or realise it's an expensive purchase and choose to use the money elsewhere (university maybe).

And no one needs a four grand bike.. utterly ridiculous.
The parents being Dick's is rubbing off on their kids.

I was thinking this too.

OP, you say you are in the process of separating: is a move on the cards? It does sound like both of you could benefit from moving to a new area. Your income does sound unsustainably low; could a move to a new area open up new job opportunities? (Not so that you can buy 1000-quid bikes and similar insanities, but so that you can do things like live day-to-day and save for the future and things like that) It also sounds like your son could benefit from different friends and from living in a location where he will have more opportunities for getting a Saturday job in a couple of years time, and perhaps some casual cash-in-hand work before that.

posted too soon: I think “rural/village” plus “low income” is a difficult combination. Earning opportunities are few, day-to-day expenses are higher, travel costs a lot of money, government assistance services are often very scanty.

This.
Show him the sums. Rent/mortgage, food, bills and what is left.