Son demanding expensive items which I can't afford

[Uncomfortableinmyownhome]

How is best to manage these situations? I'm a low earner (school support staff) and my husband is currently off work sick so money is very tight. We can pay all of the bills , food etc and do have some left over for days out / to fix the car etc but we aren't flush with cash and it's important we save some for emergencies.
We live in an area where my 13 year old sons school mates families all have more money than us, they have 2 working parents on good wages.
They get spoilt rotten with all the new consoles, games , subscriptions, expensive clothes and trainers and very expensive bikes bought for them throughout the year , not just birthdays and Xmas. I know this as we are all friends.
My son does get everything he requests, but has to wait until Xmas for a console for example whereas they just get bought one anytime. I buy his clothes off vinted whereas they get taken to jd sports and get £500 spent on them. I have to save up for larger priced items so he may have to wait a while but I always try to best to make sure he has the same or similar to them.
His current obsession is a new bike. Him and his friends go out biking every day. He has a £500 bike which I fully expected to last him until adulthood . That was a really expensive purchase for us. He'd had it for 18 months.
According to him, his friends have a new bike every 6 months and one of them is was £2000 and one was £4000. Ive seen these new bikes as their parents have out photos on social media. I think spending that amount is absolutely ridiculous and I wouldn't be spending that even if I was a millionaire.(up to them what they want to do with their money)
He's telling me they are laughing at him because his bike is rubbish. Which is funny seeing as we bought it off one of them and they were telling us how great it was (it's retail price was £1000 and we paid £500 for it) He is now begging me for a new one which is £1000 . I cannot afford this , not even for Xmas.
He knows our financial pressure but can't seem to accept it. He keeps pushing and pushing and causing arguments about it. I've told him we would have to go without food for me to save up for that for him. What does he expect me to do? I only warn just over £1000 a month and inl work full time!! We have another child aswell so not fair to just be spending that on one of them.
I don't know if this matters at all but he does have adhd with asd traits and he desperately tries to fit in. He also is very impulsive, especially with wanting to buy things and he doesn't seem to be able to accept no is no . He thinks if he asks me about it over and over again I will eventually give in and say yes.
He is making me feel like shit regarding our financial situation. We are also in the process of separating, and when that is sorted money will be even tighter, I will have to claim universal credit to top up my wage

• Get this straight.

They are NOT laughing at him because his bike is rubbish

They are laughing at him because they are bullies

No amount of new bikes will stop them being bullies.*

Totally agree with this.

Tell him he can have it and that you’ll let him get a job and pay for it.

Is he aware that you are in the process of separating?
Perhaps it’s time to be really clear with him as to why a £1000 bike is not even on your radar

I’ve had similar (albeit not as extreme) comments from ds1.
My answer has always been

Not everyone can afford the same stuff. And no one choses to spend money in the same things.

Thats it, no discussion.

But the issue here is that the ‘friends’ are actually bullies who laugh at him.
His pressure to have ‘more’ is coming from the inadequacy THEY are creating.
Your ds needs to realise their behaviour is not ok and THEY are the issue.
He needs to learn to stand up to them and/or walk away when people are treating him badly.
Does he have other friends?

I have a child who is a similar ish and I am financially comfortable.

On larger purchases (eg more than a few pounds) he has to wait a birthday. I don't know anyone who is buying playstations and 2000 GBP bikes on a whim. I think your son is exaggerating to make his point and I don't think his point is reasonable.

A part time job seems fair if he can get one. Lots of benefits to work such as improved confidence and self esteem.

I hope your partner gets well. That must be very stressful.

The issue is probably the fact that he had a second hand bike off one of them and they are picking at the difference . Doesn’t make them nice kids but 13 year olds often aren’t from time to time .

Just keep telling him no and why- doesn’t mean though he can’t look at selling the bike he has to fund a second hand version of what he wants( with your oversight of course) .

If we are talking about Mountain Biking it maybe that what he has can’t do what he wants it to as he’s progressed . This happened to us with DS .

Your son will grow up understanding the cost AND the value of everything.

His friends won't.

You have to hold firm and say you simply don't have the money.

And that he needs to develop a thicker skin regarding the silly comments from his friends. They sound super indulged.

I could afford £2-3000 for a bike for my kids but no way would I spend that - it's madness and will probably get nicked!

Something doesn't add up here OP. I know loads of extremely financially comfortable families (think private education for several kids, 4+ luxury hols a year etc, 2x senior professional salaries) and none have bought £2-4k bikes for teens every 6 months or bought games consoles on a whim.
In fact if anything the affluent types are less likely to do that, they seem to love a bargain second hand bike and many are very screen avoidant and have few games consoles at all!
Are you sure your son is telling the truth.
The kid with a 2k bike probably has his dads old one!

I have a 12 year old who has suddenly developed expensive taste. I'm a single parent who earns a decent wage but I have 3dc and it's still not as good as 2 incomes! He also has friends with wealthy parents so I think he gets it from school. He asked for a £500 bike plus some expensive clothes for his birthday. I got him a 2nd hand bike for £100 and gave him £50 cash. He got a total of £170 cash from everyone. When we went to the shops for his clothes he wanted, he was shocked and reluctant to spend his own money ironically!

Could you afford to get some spray paint and respray the bike- do it together. Then it will look newer?

Otherwise- no is no

Say no, sorry, can't afford it.

I am 53 and have 300k in savings and my bike didn't cost 500 quid. I wouldn't dream of spending that much on a bike. In fact my daughter turned 14 recently and I bought her a second hand bike that cost 85 quid. She loves it.

The thing is, the friends aren't spoiled rotten if their families can afford these things with no sacrifice. Your son has. Somewhere along the way you have taught him that objects are status and that having expensive matters.

His friends are shit friends if they laugh at him for having a bike that was "only" 500 quid.

Whilst I wouldn't buy items that are genuinely unfashionable or social suicide for my kids, they have never thought that labels matter because I don't think that and DH doesn't think that.

I think your son needs better self esteem and better friends tbh. He seems to think he has to have the latest item to be accepted. That means he hasn't actually found friends who accept him as he is.

That is frustrating. I would not discuss it again. If he brings it up "you have had the answer do not ask again" if he continues then "go to your room I am not discussing this again. You know £1000 on a bike is not possible"

Also seperate conversations discussing what a good friend is and value of money and budgets etc.

13 is a self centred age, it will pass.

Blimey, he really is trying it on.
We were financially comfortable when DC were teens but still bought virtually nothing for them outside of birthdays and Christmas (other than essentials). I don't think buying stuff willy nilly is a good habit. Everything they wanted was added to a gift list and then at Christmas they had to prioritise within that to keep within budget.

Just say no, you can't afford it. I wouldn't even buy something that expensive for birthday/ Christmas They have to work for it or save up for it. No further conversation needed. They can keep asking if they want but are wasting their breath.

My son was the same at this age.
he was so frustrated that he couldn't keep up with his friends.
Not helped by very rich cousins that got very expensive new stuff for Christmas, about 10 x what we spent.

Roll forward a few years. He got a Saturday job after GCSE. He worked really hard at weekends and holidays and saved and at 17 had bought a car and paid his car insurance. He earnt money and did school work, because he wanted the things money could give him.
He's now 21 and still the same. He spends a lot on his social life and he works hard to fund it. He has also just finished uni, and done well.

By contrast his rich cousins really had a poor work ethic, my SIL struggled to get them to take a weekend job seriously, they looked to parents to provide stuff.

Obviously it isn;t that way for everyone, I am just saying it isn;t a bad thing to learn that money is tight and things are expensive. In the long run it may be good for him.

My friends son is like this and it drives me mad . We can afford to spoil our children but don't .
They need to learn the value of money Sen or not . My son has SN and he knows not to ask and only gets things for birthday etc .

I feel like he has learnt this behaviour through his life . I'd be shouting at him ffs shut up , you can't have it !

Do you have any neighbours at all? Surely if he bikes there must be some residential areas?

Dog walking, house cleaning, weeding, car washing, child minding, general household help?

In my area a uni-age boy has a list of teen helpers, mostly boys; one books through the uni guy and he sends one, two or more helpers by the hour. I have used them to help me clean the garage, wash windows, carry heavy stuff from the loft, dig up shrubs, weed, move landscaping rocks and pavers about, scrub patio furniture, wash my car, etc. They also will do dog walking, child minding, checking on the house/feeding the birds & stray cat if we are traveling, and whatever. I've even sent them to the garden centre with money to purchase compost.

He charges 15 quid per hour per helper, plus I tip. Not cheap but worth it to get some jobs done around the house. Could your boy try starting some sort of service?

In the nicest possible way, you've made this bed for yourself.

You've been trying to keep up with the Jones and it was inevitable that it would escalate to this level.

That's not to say you've done anything wrong, nobody wants to see their child being the odd one out. But even if you buy this bike, the next request will be even more expensive.

Why is the fact that you are separating not your concern rather than the bike. That will have a far great impact on his life.
Also have you claimed dla to help support your son's disability related costs. That would free up money from your wage not to buy a £1000 bike but to ease the financial strain.

that's ridiculously overpriced, they must be loaded

If his friends are making fun of him because your family is on a lower income than theirs, perhaps your ds needs to realise that it isn't a very nice thing for friends to do.

Ask him if he would laugh at other people for being poor - because that is what his friends are doing to him.

He's 13 so he can get a paper round and save up. If his friends make fun of him because he can't afford to spend thousands on a bike, he needs to get new friends! My kids had friends who are much better off than we are and some who are worse off. They knew they couldn't have everything that some of their friends have. It's a good life lesson. I wouldn't be putting up with any tantrums from your 13 year old - if he doesn't appreciate his console, phone or bike and is rude to you, I'd remove them.

I think a key thing here is that some children can struggle hugely with friendships for many different reasons, but those with ADHD and autism can struggle even more due to their condition. They may feel that friendships require them to have the latest stuff to fit in because they may not pick up the social rules that others do. I know my autistic DC struggles hugely with friendships.

I would suggest you broaden your DS's horizon (hobbies?) so he does not have just these friends and can maybe find others who like him for him and not what he wears, rides or can afford.

Also he may be emotionally younger than his chronological age so feels pestering may still work. Stay firm with the boundary @Uncomfortableinmyownhome

It's not overpriced if you value getting many things done quickly. With three helpers for three hours every couple of months I can whip things into shape and then relax. Some of the boys are skilled with power tools and have done repairs, hung pictures, erected trellises, etc.

I think it's brilliant.

Tell him he is welcome to save up for things he wants, and talk to him about ways he might be able to generate money:

Selling stuff - has he got games/console he no longer uses? Even some of his old toys, or clothes may be worth a decent money. My 12 year old is considering selling her switch and games, and also all her shleich toys - together that should all bring quite a bit.

Saving his allowance.

Are there things he could cut back on that you currently pay for - phone contract? Take packed lunch and you will give him the money saved on schools lunches? For example.

Even if he can't regularly work, plenty of kids round here wash cars and do other errands for cash. Feeding a neighbour's pets when away for example? He could produce fliers and drop them round the neighbourhood. If his dad is off sick, would he be well enough to go round to meet any neighbours your son might get work from as a safety precaution?

Is there stuff you currently pay for (car wash? Baby-sitting younger siblings?) that you would consider paying him to do instead, if he is mature enough?

For Xmas and birthday, if possible he should ask all relatives for money to put towards his desired objects, if this can be done without offence.

If he is motivated enough, hopefully the actual saving can also be a positive and rewarding process.....

I do get it tho. I had a scholarship to a private school, and the other kids all had way more stuff than me and I hated it and was pretty awful to my parents about it I think. I promise I am a nice person and very non-materialistic now!