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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS and GF - have I done the right thing?

99 replies

DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:15

Hi - new on here and just needing reassurance. I know this topic has been done many times!

DS is 15, 16 in December. He has been with his GF, a nice girl for 5 months. He asked 3 weeks ago if she could stay over and in his bed. After thought and discusssion. I agreed with all the provisos re consent and protection. He did admit they had already had sex so it seemed the sensible and logical thing to do. She has stayed over Friday and Saturday night the last 2 weekends.

So they are underage of course but I am not necessarily worried about the legalities. As I said just reassurance really. And to ask if any others out there have allowed it at the same age, or did they wait until 16? Amd more specifically did you allow them to sleep in the same bed whether it was 15 or 16.

Thanks!

OP posts:
CalamityClam · 15/07/2024 10:19

I did not allow every weekend, only here and there where there was more of a reason, such as a late night back from somewhere. This was nothing to do with them having sex but more that I didn’t want my teens ‘playing’ at having a live-in partner.
The more time they spent sleeping over, the more normal it became. The dating stopped and they just hung out, excluding other friendships.
I don’t know if I’ve explained that very well!

rookiemere · 15/07/2024 10:20

I know that some friends allowed this with their DS15 and his steady GF. Do you know her DPs, are they aware that you are allowing them to share a bed ? That would be my main concern. It does seem awfully young, but as you say it's happening anyway so as long as both sets of DPs are aware and the couple both agree it's consensual, then I guess it's not the worst thing in the world.

I presume someone has spoken to your DS about reliable birth control? I think that's what I would be labouring the point on, as a teenage pregnancy is definitely going to impact both their lives forever.

Tbskejue · 15/07/2024 10:20

Did you speak to her parents about it?

Eviebeans · 15/07/2024 10:22

How old is the girl and what do her parents have to say about it

RaisinRainbow · 15/07/2024 10:24

Have you spoken with the girl's parents? It could be disastrous if they were unaware. Personally I would wait until they had both reached the legal age of consent.

Original poster
DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:27

Thanks for quick responses already.

Yes, parents are aware and have agreed for the same reasons. She will be 16 about a month before him as it happens. They are sorted with contraception

OP posts:
MyMauveBiscuit · 15/07/2024 10:27

I don’t think you have, tbh.

To echo a previous poster, it really isn’t good for teenagers to play house at this age. Friendships, hobbies and school should be the priority. Allowing sleepovers for no reason at all pretty regularly is a sure fire way to end with two teenagers in an impromptu bed sit upstairs.

Your son is young, he might have the horn and this girl might be really nice- but home really does need to be a safe harbour from these ‘big feelings’. He is a child and you really shouldn’t be encouraging an intense, adult relationship by having this girl at your house every weekend. You’ve set the expectation that it’s ok now, and this will happen.

I have no issue with above the age of consent teens having a long term partner stay after a party or an arranged late night activity if it logistically makes sense- but none of this is necessary at all.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/07/2024 10:28

I presume you spoke to her parents about it?

I think 15 is a little too young for overnight stays, personally, and especially for whole weekends. Not because of the sex (which they'll find a way of doing anyway if they want to!) but because I think it's too much intensity at such a young age. They need time away from each other with family and friends etc and they aren't necessarily mature enough to manage it for themselves at that age.

TheSixQuarks · 15/07/2024 10:28

I think I'm pretty relaxed but I think that sounds too much for that age. Unsurprising they're having sex but very intense to sleep over 2 nights in a row at that age. They're still so young? Did you speak to the girl's parents?

Scifronaem · 15/07/2024 10:28

I think as a parent of boys I would be asking my son if he and his gf had had a discussion about what happens if she does become pregnant and what she would intend to do about that. As a female I have always had control over whether I have a baby or not, as a boy they get no say.

I have said this on here before but when Ds was in year 10 a girl in his year group became pregnant and kept the baby. When pregnant she was telling everyone how wonderful it was and the boys who were having sex with their girlfriends shat themselves because they didn't want to be a father at 15.

Re contraception my boys know that the pill can fail if you fall ill, so doubling up with the boy taking responsibility and always wearing a condom.

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 15/07/2024 10:31

I'd much rather they were having sex in a safe environment rather than in the bushes at the park tbh.

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 10:32

I’m relaxed but I’d absolutely not permit this, too much too young, do the other parents let your son stay?

ShaunaSadeki · 15/07/2024 10:33

I didn’t, not to stop them having sex but for the following reasons:

I don’t want DS in a coupled up, adult relationship when they should be out having fun with their mates

I didn’t want younger DC to see a succession of gf staying over

TapToSkip · 15/07/2024 10:35

Too much, too young. I’m pretty ok about most stuff, but I’d not be allowing regular staying over (actually maybe not any staying over), same bed or not. 15 is too young.

MyMauveBiscuit · 15/07/2024 10:38

These threads always go in the direction of teen pregnancy for some reason.

completely forgetting the issue that kids make absolutely idiot decisions from getting into extremely adult relationships too young.

I have seen uni plans torpedoed, friend groups alienated, county level sports participation given up….and worse, teenagers trapped in coercive relationships because they are too young to recognise abuse and all of the adults around them have encouraged weekend residencies and summer holidays together and Christmas dinners

Kids do not need intense adult relationships.

Let them date, go to parties and have awkward safe fumbles

Home should be a safe place where they can be kids

plenty of time for all that

Original poster
DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:51

Hmmm, so far seems nobody has / would allow it at that age? I should add that both are quite mature for their age.

OP posts:
TheSixQuarks · 15/07/2024 10:54

DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:51

Hmmm, so far seems nobody has / would allow it at that age? I should add that both are quite mature for their age.

I don't think even the most mature 15 year old should be doing that. It's too intense, they think they're ready but they're not.

Runninghappy · 15/07/2024 10:55

My daughter is the same age and absolutely not. They are children! They shouldn’t be having grown up adult relationships and playing at house. They should be doing school work, hobbies and seeing friends. Fair enough to have boyfriend/girlfriends, date whatever, and yes maybe have sex but this isn’t appropriate at all for children of their age.

ShaunaSadeki · 15/07/2024 10:56

I don’t think it is unusual in the real world, just not something we did. My friend did allow her DD’s boyfriend to sleep over at 16 (bf was 15) and come on weekends away with the family etc. Her DD ended up isolated from her mates as she was always holed up with BF and then when they inevitably broke up she was extremely heartbroken and had to do some serious brown nosing to get back into her friendship group

YourWildAmberSloth · 15/07/2024 10:56

Being mature for their age is not the same as being mature. I'm pretty laid back about most things but this feels too much, too intense, too young. As someone said, playing house.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 15/07/2024 10:57

No 15 year old should be “mature”. They should be out having fun with their friends not entering into adult-style relationships that you facilitate by allowing them to shack up together every weekend.

Original poster
DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 11:17

I am actually thinking of perhaps limiting it to fortnightly, given some of the comments. Her parents are reluctant for him to stay over due to younger siblings, at least for now. Certainly not school nights.

So has nobody out there allowed it at this age??

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/07/2024 11:29

My dd and her bf were very mature for their ages but I wouldn't have allowed overnight stays at 15. DD first started staying over at her bf's house when they were both 16 and in sixth form (no space in her room so he couldn't have stayed at ours).

Even at 16, I didn't allow it more than one night a month or so. I just didn't want things getting too intense when they were both so young. They're now 19 and still together. Even now they're adults and I don't have any say in the matter, they don't spend more than one or two nights together at most - they both recognise the need for time apart (which happens because of uni anyway!), time to themselves and time with friends and family etc, which is healthy imo.

Cotton55 · 15/07/2024 11:34

DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 11:17

I am actually thinking of perhaps limiting it to fortnightly, given some of the comments. Her parents are reluctant for him to stay over due to younger siblings, at least for now. Certainly not school nights.

So has nobody out there allowed it at this age??

Edited

It's like you'll be happy if 1 person thinks that it's fine! Then you'll feel happy with your decision.
Re-read what everyone has said and think about it. And remember, it's much more difficult to pull back if you've already allowed something.

Runninghappy · 15/07/2024 11:35

I wouldn’t allow it at all as I think it’s completely wrong, but maybe after a late concert or something in another room would be one thing, but not like this. You are only a child for such a short period of time, you should encourage them to be children. Not some playing at a grown up relationship. It’s really not a good idea.

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