DS and GF - have I done the right thing?

[DeepAquaPanda]

Hi - new on here and just needing reassurance. I know this topic has been done many times!

DS is 15, 16 in December. He has been with his GF, a nice girl for 5 months. He asked 3 weeks ago if she could stay over and in his bed. After thought and discusssion. I agreed with all the provisos re consent and protection. He did admit they had already had sex so it seemed the sensible and logical thing to do. She has stayed over Friday and Saturday night the last 2 weekends.

So they are underage of course but I am not necessarily worried about the legalities. As I said just reassurance really. And to ask if any others out there have allowed it at the same age, or did they wait until 16? Amd more specifically did you allow them to sleep in the same bed whether it was 15 or 16.

Thanks!

As I said before. They can be in a safe environment and have sex, they just shouldn’t be put in pseudo adult living arrangement at 15

Ah OK, so are both your DS and Gf still 15 as well, or is one 16? That could be seen as problematical I guess.

One of my friends allowed this. It's made me view her entirely differently tbh and not in a good way. Her daughter is 15 and has been with her boyfriend almost 2 years, photos on social media of them in bed every weekend etc etc. It's creepy and he goes everywhere with her. I'd be very worried in your position tbh.

Unless your paying for them to go in a hotel, where else is safe? In the park, in a car, in a toilet at a party.....? It doesn't have to be made a deal of. Just have the safe sex, don't be noisy conversation.

I didn't allow it until 16 in the same situation. They are now almost thirty, married and expecting their first child.

I’m probably going to sound extremely old fashioned here but… they’re so young and it’s technically illegal.
I never understand the “ I’d rather them have a safe space to do it in” argument.
You are facilitating them having sex by that logic. They’re going to do it anyway. It’s a tale as old as time, young couples having sex in places other than the home. I know I did it with boyfriends post 16! It happens…but why oh why would you make it easy for them and make them grow up before their time?

Their focus at that age should be on their studies, friends, sports, jobs.
In a long term relationship if they were older, as one offs, not a regular thing, and not ‘playing house’ every weekend I’d accept it.
Its not happening under my roof at 15. Not on my watch.

You have sex at home and then you go home. You do not at 15 or 16 live in each others space 24/7

To be perfectly honest I wouldn’t even entertain year 10’s having sex as something to be supportive of and would be making it as hard as possible and be upset they think it’s sensible, is certainly not be doing anything to encourage it.

I wouldn’t have sleepovers until 18. They can still have sex without sleeping over, but I wouldn’t want them to be having a partial living together arrangement every weekend.

OK, decided. I think the sleepovers have to continue now they have started but will limit them. Not every weekend and just the Friday or Saturday.

Just to clarify - her parents are fine with it. They take the same realistic view as I do.

Another reason for her to stay over rather than the other way round is DS has a double bed and she only has a single.

DS did say that a few of his friends are also allowed to shae a bed with their GFs and while most are not allowed until 16 or older I think it is far from unheard of, having done a little research.

You can say ‘No’ you know?!
Just because they have started doesn’t mean they have to continue… be the adult and put some boundaries in place!
Or crack on with them cosying up in his double bed and watch the chaos unfold. It’s your child, but you asked for opinions and hell would freeze over before I’d be facilitating a sexual relationship between two Year 10 children . Because that’s what they are, Children.

Exactly, why would you want to make your year 10 child’s sex life easier. I’m afraid i am actually completely lost for words that a) any one thinks that year 10 sleepovers are ok and b) even consider making it extra comfortable and inviting for CHILDREN.

Actually it is ok to go back on it and say you’ve given it some thought and it’s completely inappropriate - because it is! I actually feel sorry for the children as the adults are letting them down by not protecting them.

They are going to do it whether allowed or not. Better they do it safely in the house with good advice then at a park or in a field with no contraception

You are failing these children by continuing to allow this.

My DD and her BF have been together for more than a year, both are now 16. We live in a country in continental Europe where sleepovers for teenage couples are commonplace and not allowing them, even among 15 year olds, is not the norm.

The young couple had one (allowed) sleepover so far in the city where we live, but this summer she went on vacation with his family and they shared a bed there. He will also come with us and the same will happen.

However, both his parents and DH and I agree that sleepovers are an exception and not the rule, exactly for the reason that it makes a relationship adult-like. They are happy together and spend quite a lot of time with each other, but also have strong friendships independently of each other. I think you're doing the right thing to limit it.

I didn’t allow it until DD was 17.

I mean, my parents for together at 15. Me and DH got together at 18. Been married for years, got good degrees, in top 1% of earners in the UK, have a lovely DC.

I think it's more important that you teach him about coercive or controlling relationships, and that you make sure he's with someone who builds him up rather than brings him down ... Than anything to do with whether you let his gf stay over. Don't think that really matters, they'll have sex regardless of whether you let them stay over or not

Or they do it at home when they’re spending an evening or day together and then they both go home to their respective houses and don’t play grown ups at 15

DS GF parents would not let her stay overnight till, she was 18, they started dating when she was 16 and he was 17 and I was happy with that. I’m sure they had many a roll in the hay before.

I personally would not allow it, more so staying in the same bed. I just think they are too young to be acting like it is a more grown up relationship. Even being mature I wouldn't budge.

For context I have been with my DH since I was younger than this. My parents allowed sleepovers once we were over 16 but we didn't ever stay in the same room until we bought a house at 20. Those were her rules and we had to respect them. We did share a room on holidays we went on together though from 18.

This.

I have 4 teenagers so quite a lot of experience of this and generally the norm across most of their friends (and our family) has been:
13-16 no sleepovers whatsoever. If in dia emergency (taxi or parent unable to turn up, other parent unable to give lift back) safely tucked up in bedroom other side of the house
16-18: pretty much as above but with more leeway in certain circumstances
18 plus yes in the same bed but only long term relationships
I agree that they will have sex anyway , this happens whether they are in relationships or not...but they do get very obsessive and the heartbreak can be horrendous, so the more intertwined they are, the harder it gets later.......

DS has not long turned 16 and asked if his g/f can sleep over later in the year when she turns 16. I’ve said no. I get they are probably already having sex. I thanked him for being respectful and asking me if it would be ok when she’s 16 but it’s too soon I think. I said to him she’s not 16 until November, they may not be together then. I also said while they will both be 16, they don’t need such intensity at a young age. He asked if he could ask me again whe she turns 16. I said yes we can have another conversation. At the moment, thee is nothing to make me change my mind.