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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS and GF - have I done the right thing?

99 replies

DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:15

Hi - new on here and just needing reassurance. I know this topic has been done many times!

DS is 15, 16 in December. He has been with his GF, a nice girl for 5 months. He asked 3 weeks ago if she could stay over and in his bed. After thought and discusssion. I agreed with all the provisos re consent and protection. He did admit they had already had sex so it seemed the sensible and logical thing to do. She has stayed over Friday and Saturday night the last 2 weekends.

So they are underage of course but I am not necessarily worried about the legalities. As I said just reassurance really. And to ask if any others out there have allowed it at the same age, or did they wait until 16? Amd more specifically did you allow them to sleep in the same bed whether it was 15 or 16.

Thanks!

OP posts:
DiscoBeat · 15/07/2024 11:45

Following as we've not allowed sleepovers here yet (both 16)

waterrat · 15/07/2024 11:56

My mum let my 17 yr old boyfriend stay over when I was 16 - I got pregnant.

Unless you are absolutely sure she is on the pill - she could get pregnant very very easily.

MyMauveBiscuit · 15/07/2024 13:50

DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:51

Hmmm, so far seems nobody has / would allow it at that age? I should add that both are quite mature for their age.

They aren’t though.

They are children and haven’t even finished school.

Most ‘relaxed’ and open parents would allow a sleepover at those ages if there was a reason for it. There is absolutely no reason why this girl needs to be at your house all day, every weekend. It sounds like her parents aren’t massively bothered either, which is sad*

*Thats no female sexuality outrage btw- but this girl deserves to be having fun with friends, parties, hobbies, studies…working towards her future and learning who she is, not shacked up in your son’s childhood bedroom shagging and watching Netflix whilst all the adults around them say ‘oh they are very mature’.

Your son deserves that too.

Sex is normal at this age, and nothing to be ashamed of.

Encouraging an adult, intense, coupled-up relationship between children is not normal.

Singersong · 15/07/2024 14:02

This is absolute insanity and not even remotely beneficial.

Oopsy41 · 15/07/2024 14:14

No, I wouldn't allow this. Im completely realistic and know that my son wasn't 16 yet when he first had a girlfriend and lost his virginity. Allowing them to share a bed and stay overnight however is too far, this is what happens in adult relationships. The chances are they are not going to stay together and it's setting a precedent and I don't want every girl that he's with to be staying overnight. It feels like it's forcing them to be serious so young.

cloudy477654 · 15/07/2024 14:30

I think it's a bit too young sorry. I wouldn't be keen on my DD staying over at a boyfriend's at 15

Jifmicroliquid · 15/07/2024 14:35

It wouldn’t bother me, provided the GFs parents are ok with it. Kids of that age will have sex regardless, I’d rather know they were safe.

AndTheyWent · 15/07/2024 14:38

Personally it's all a bit too grown up for kids of their ages. Whilst I agree it's better they have sex in a safe environment I do feel that it's being encouraged by allowing the staying over. Why can't she stay but he sleeps on the sofa?

If I found out my friend was allowing this of her son tbh I'd be a bit WTF.

Justcallmebebes · 15/07/2024 14:47

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 10:32

I’m relaxed but I’d absolutely not permit this, too much too young, do the other parents let your son stay?

This. I never let any of mine have sleepovers that young

SuperBatFace · 15/07/2024 15:55

There's no way I'd allow this. You must be mad.

Mine is 17, 18 in December. If he had a girlfriend, it's only now that I'd even begin to consider what you've allowed already

And I'm not a strict parent. But aged 15 is just far too young to be openly condoning him having sex

Redhil · 15/07/2024 16:19

Op I'm sorry trying not to be harsh but in what world do you and her parents think this is ok? You didn't confirm the girls age unless I missed it but do you have any respect for your son or this girl? Why does she need to stay over and why in his bed? Why is this so important to him? You want to teach kids some self respect.. this isn't the way to go. At this age they should still be kids not sleeping together and staying over at some randoms house. You should be worried about the legalities and you should be worried about the behaviour. Let kids be kids.

ThatGreenNewt · 16/07/2024 08:00

I have allowed it albeit that slightly longer relationship and slightly older (a few weeks before 16)

for us it’s practical reasons as it’s 1.5hr round trip between houses via car and 3 hours round trip on public transport as they live opposite sides of a city that they met in through a shared interest and some mutual friends. Neither of them has given up their hobbies or seeing friends and if that happened I’d be putting the breaks on. Some times it’s regular for a few days for instance in holidays but when they go back to 6th form it will be much less frequent due to school and sports commitments.

For those that are saying they should be going out with friends and to parties etc they do a bit but there is often large amounts of alcohol and some drugs and sleeping around at these parties which neither my DC or boyfriend are interested in so they often leave before things get messy and I’m not sure this is the better option. These are what most people would call ‘middle class’ children from ‘good areas’ and highly academic so those thinking their children aren’t exposed to this and potentially involved in it at parties are likely naive.

They do sit and watch movies but they also go to the gym/bowling/cinema/restaurants/escape rooms/bike rides etc and study together.

is it too much too soon? Maybe, but from what I’m learning about teenagers most of them are doing too much of something adult too soon (sex/drugs/alcohol/speaking to strangers online/going to places they shouldn’t be) whether parents know or not is another matter. The lies I told my mum because I was ‘not allowed to do things’ and the things I got up to when I was a teenager I was much more physically and emotionally unsafe than my teen who I have a open and honest relationship with (and do say no to at times although I’m encouraging her to be part of the decision making process and do her own risk assessment on situations) but most people (including my parents) would have thought I was an angel (high academic achievement and involved in lots of extracurricular) most of my friends were the same.

he is one of her best friends as well
as boyfriend and if she was doing the same with a same sex friend I’d have no issue so as long as I don’t see a negative impact on DC and his parents see no negative impact on him and they both remain respectful I’m happy for it to continue. Who knows if I’ve made the right call, I’ve just done what I think is best at the moment but I’d bet some of the parents on here who are on their high horse about their perfect parenting decisions are perhaps not fully aware of what is happening unless they have their DC monitored 24/7.

don’t beat yourself up, keep a close eye on things and keep communication open

Werweisswohin · 16/07/2024 08:07

It's a definite no from me, at that age and at that frequency/regularity,
but I am aware some parents apparently do allow this.

clarrylove · 16/07/2024 08:14

I've got a 15yr old son and it'd be a definite no from me.

user1984778379202 · 16/07/2024 08:29

My DD is 15 and no way would I allow it at her age. It's normalising them being in a physical relationship far too much. I also wonder if, deep down, both of them are actually comfortable with it, or whether they now feel compelled because their families are doing the "aren't we cool parents" thing. If there's even 1% of doubt in either of their minds then they shouldn't be doing it.

Lighteningstrikes · 16/07/2024 08:38

I think it's far too much far too soon at their age.

You're encouraging them to have an adult relationship.

I would cut it right back, but once you start allowing these things, it's not going to be easy.

Hope that she doesn't get pregnant.

Ubugly · 16/07/2024 08:41

My son is 16 later this year. Currently no interest In girls and I'm pretty relaxed and would allow sleepovers but I think every weekend is way to cosy.

Are they still seeing friends and doing hobbies etc? That would be my worry that they just spend weekends together and drop everything and everyone else. Then they split up and have nothing or no one left!

Anonym00se · 16/07/2024 08:43

Mine weren’t allowed boyfriends/girlfriends to stay over in their rooms until they were 18 and had been together for a few months.

LizzeyBenett · 16/07/2024 08:43

I mean if they are already having sex I suppose it's better than having them out god knows where doing it but although you have had that conversation with your son are you sure the GF has all the facts I know I definitely didn't at that age. Also he is totally at her mercy to remember to take the pill (I'm assuming that she is on the pill) .

Scifronaem · 16/07/2024 08:45

I personally think there is never a reason to sleep over unless there is a long journey between their houses and can't return home when in secondary.

I agree with them seeing other friends and not just being the two of them so every fortnight is still too often.

Musclebeach · 16/07/2024 08:49

MyMauveBiscuit · 15/07/2024 10:27

I don’t think you have, tbh.

To echo a previous poster, it really isn’t good for teenagers to play house at this age. Friendships, hobbies and school should be the priority. Allowing sleepovers for no reason at all pretty regularly is a sure fire way to end with two teenagers in an impromptu bed sit upstairs.

Your son is young, he might have the horn and this girl might be really nice- but home really does need to be a safe harbour from these ‘big feelings’. He is a child and you really shouldn’t be encouraging an intense, adult relationship by having this girl at your house every weekend. You’ve set the expectation that it’s ok now, and this will happen.

I have no issue with above the age of consent teens having a long term partner stay after a party or an arranged late night activity if it logistically makes sense- but none of this is necessary at all.

All this

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 16/07/2024 08:53

I didn't with my older dds. Mainly due to not wanting a house full of random teen boys.
Have stuck with this with younger one. She is 16. Boyf stays very occasionally but in a seperate bedroom!
I am liberal with every other aspect of life.

Turquoisesea · 16/07/2024 08:56

My DDs best friend (15) has had a serious boyfriend for about 9 months. She sees him all the time, every night and now she doesn’t see my DD at all, she spends all her time with him and doesn’t do anything else which doesn’t seem healthy, she also sleeps over at his and he at hers. I think it’s far too intense and I’m sad that the relationship she had with DD has completely changed when they used to have so much fun together. My DD had a boyfriend for 4 months and asked if he could stay over (as everyone’s parents allow it apparently!!) and I said no and I’m glad I didn't allow it as the relationship ended a few weeks later. I just think sleeping over takes the relationship to a different level and they are still so young even if they seem mature for their age.

Zwicky · 16/07/2024 08:58

I haven’t/wouldn’t allow.

It artificially accelerates a childhood bf/gf relationship into a pseudo adult relationship. At 15/16 kids should be having a great time with their mates, going out, playing sports, studying etc. it’s nice to have a bf or gf, but they are kids and it shouldn’t be adultified. “Mature” 15 yo need the brakes put in this more, not less, than the immature ones imo.

WhereIsTheHare · 16/07/2024 09:06

By effectively making her part of your family like this, you’re making it much much harder for him to split up with her should he want to. This is especially important to bear in mind for girls, who might be wary of the repercussions of dumping a boy anyway, but much more so if she feels she will be disappointing her own family, who have made him too much part of their home life.

Home is their sanctuary, and needs to stay that way through the difficult teenage years. Be careful you’re not making life even harder than it sometimes feels at that age.