Page 3 | DS and GF - have I done the right thing?

CrikeyMajikey · 16/07/2024 09:12

I think allowing her to stay over and giving them a safe space for intimacy is the right thing to do. But I wouldn’t allow it 2 nights on the trot. That seems a bit too entrenched in playing grown ups.

rwalker · 16/07/2024 09:16

Given the circumstances I think you’ve made the right call and cutting it down is right

Conniebygaslight · 16/07/2024 09:19

I allowed my DD’s then BF to stay in her bed as soon as she reached 16. She had contraception. I think as long as you’ve got the other parents on board it’s a sensible thing. Having them safe in your home with them being open with you is great. I wouldn’t worry too much about how much time they spend together if it’s only 2 nights a week, as long as it doesn’t impact school work. They’ll probably outgrow each other after college etc. Well done OP for being practical.

Original poster

DeepAquaPanda · 16/07/2024 09:44

Thanks for all responses so far. I get why some of you disagree or disapprove. I think I will go ahead with reducing to fortnightly or one night on the weekend. The main thing is I feel more comfortable with the idea that they are having sex in a safe environment which I do think reduces the risk of pregnancy. They are being discreet. They are also still keeping up with friends and hobbies.

Keep them coming!

OP posts:

crystalflex · 16/07/2024 09:44

In my opinion allowing underage sex under your roof is failure to protect your child. And I'm pretty sure social services would see it that way too.

Lostworlds · 16/07/2024 09:47

It was something my parents never allowed when my siblings and I were younger and I don’t think I’d allow my children at that age, they may be mature but they are still so young.
It’s good both sets of parents are aware and ensure protection is used but sadly protection can fail.

2 nights every week seems quite a lot so I would allow it less frequently.
As much as her parents have said there are younger siblings in the house and it’s not right, I personally don’t feel that they are as okay about it as you are.
(no judgement here from me)

abracadabra1980 · 16/07/2024 09:59

Knowing what I got up to at a younger age, I contacted my DSgf parents and asked if they were ok with it - they were - and with contraception spoke about we lived happily ever after. 9 years later, they now live together in their own home. I loved having them here.

Original poster

DeepAquaPanda · 16/07/2024 10:01

abracadabra1980 · 16/07/2024 09:59

Knowing what I got up to at a younger age, I contacted my DSgf parents and asked if they were ok with it - they were - and with contraception spoke about we lived happily ever after. 9 years later, they now live together in their own home. I loved having them here.

Were they over the age of consent?

OP posts:

YaWeeFurryBastard · 16/07/2024 10:13

What the hell! Not appropriate at all to have two 15 year olds sharing a bed for multiple nights in the family home like an adult couple, for all the reasons PP have mentioned.

Our rules will be no sleepovers of boyfriends/girlfriends before 16 except in a dire emergency and then it will be separate rooms.

16-18 occasional sleepover is ok but separate rooms.

18 room sharing allowed with a girlfriend/boyfriend who’s been introduced to us.

I expect of course teenagers will have sex but there’s no need whatsoever to facilitate it regularly in a pseudo adult relationship. There’s plenty of opportunity for them to do it when we’re occasionally out etc.

autienotnaughty · 16/07/2024 10:57

I wouldn't have agreed at that age. It's less about whether they have sex (as that will be their choice) and more about me not wanting to collude in bringing an added level of seriousness it brings to the relationship. Children should not be encouraged to be too involved at that age .

Boyfriends were allowed to stop once they were in committed adult relationships. I think eldest was 22, youngest was 20.

Hoppinggreen · 16/07/2024 11:00

We didn't allow this and neither did DD's BF's parents (by mutual agreement).
It was spare room only until they were both 16 and due to a 8 month age gap DD was almost 17.
Your decision but we weren't comfortable with it and also we had to consider DS who is younger

commonground · 16/07/2024 11:11

MyMauveBiscuit · 15/07/2024 10:27

I don’t think you have, tbh.

To echo a previous poster, it really isn’t good for teenagers to play house at this age. Friendships, hobbies and school should be the priority. Allowing sleepovers for no reason at all pretty regularly is a sure fire way to end with two teenagers in an impromptu bed sit upstairs.

Your son is young, he might have the horn and this girl might be really nice- but home really does need to be a safe harbour from these ‘big feelings’. He is a child and you really shouldn’t be encouraging an intense, adult relationship by having this girl at your house every weekend. You’ve set the expectation that it’s ok now, and this will happen.

I have no issue with above the age of consent teens having a long term partner stay after a party or an arranged late night activity if it logistically makes sense- but none of this is necessary at all.

What a brilliant and sensitive post. I concur with all of this.

To add, we also had this situation - we were assured the gf's parents were fine with it but we said no, for most of the above reasons.

I had a conversation with the gf's dad to explain why - and he was so relieved! Said he had wanted to say no, didn't think he could etc etc....So sometimes it just needs someone giving a boundary.

Also, I am a firm believer in teens needing to be accountable to someone - to have that check in place to make them stop.... 'what would my mum think...' for eg. They might not listen to that voice BUT it is really important that they know someone is looking out for them and making them think about their choices....

(IMHO!)

DaisyChain505 · 16/07/2024 11:34

You’re doing the right thing. They’re already sexually active and if you ban them from spending time alone in his bedroom they’re only going to do it else where!

However I would definitely limit to once every other weekend and speak to your son about the importance of keeping up friendships and hobbies whilst in a relationship.

Here4thechocs · 16/07/2024 11:41

Eviebeans · 15/07/2024 10:22

How old is the girl and what do her parents have to say about it

Exactly this. I’d be wanting to know why my teen isn’t home , under my roof at night.. unless they were away at school…?

Nap1983 · 16/07/2024 11:54

My DD is 15 nearly 16. Absolutely no way would i have her BF staying over and would actually be horrified if his parents were allowing it.

Original poster

DeepAquaPanda · 16/07/2024 12:13

DaisyChain505 · 16/07/2024 11:34

You’re doing the right thing. They’re already sexually active and if you ban them from spending time alone in his bedroom they’re only going to do it else where!

However I would definitely limit to once every other weekend and speak to your son about the importance of keeping up friendships and hobbies whilst in a relationship.

Yes, I will be limiting it a bit more. And yes, I think it is better than somewhere where protection may not be used.

OP posts:

MyMauveBiscuit · 16/07/2024 12:22

ThatGreenNewt · 16/07/2024 08:00

I have allowed it albeit that slightly longer relationship and slightly older (a few weeks before 16)

for us it’s practical reasons as it’s 1.5hr round trip between houses via car and 3 hours round trip on public transport as they live opposite sides of a city that they met in through a shared interest and some mutual friends. Neither of them has given up their hobbies or seeing friends and if that happened I’d be putting the breaks on. Some times it’s regular for a few days for instance in holidays but when they go back to 6th form it will be much less frequent due to school and sports commitments.

For those that are saying they should be going out with friends and to parties etc they do a bit but there is often large amounts of alcohol and some drugs and sleeping around at these parties which neither my DC or boyfriend are interested in so they often leave before things get messy and I’m not sure this is the better option. These are what most people would call ‘middle class’ children from ‘good areas’ and highly academic so those thinking their children aren’t exposed to this and potentially involved in it at parties are likely naive.

They do sit and watch movies but they also go to the gym/bowling/cinema/restaurants/escape rooms/bike rides etc and study together.

is it too much too soon? Maybe, but from what I’m learning about teenagers most of them are doing too much of something adult too soon (sex/drugs/alcohol/speaking to strangers online/going to places they shouldn’t be) whether parents know or not is another matter. The lies I told my mum because I was ‘not allowed to do things’ and the things I got up to when I was a teenager I was much more physically and emotionally unsafe than my teen who I have a open and honest relationship with (and do say no to at times although I’m encouraging her to be part of the decision making process and do her own risk assessment on situations) but most people (including my parents) would have thought I was an angel (high academic achievement and involved in lots of extracurricular) most of my friends were the same.

he is one of her best friends as well
as boyfriend and if she was doing the same with a same sex friend I’d have no issue so as long as I don’t see a negative impact on DC and his parents see no negative impact on him and they both remain respectful I’m happy for it to continue. Who knows if I’ve made the right call, I’ve just done what I think is best at the moment but I’d bet some of the parents on here who are on their high horse about their perfect parenting decisions are perhaps not fully aware of what is happening unless they have their DC monitored 24/7.

don’t beat yourself up, keep a close eye on things and keep communication open

Parties and a bit of booze and shagging in the guest room at parties is normal experimentation and behaviour for 16 year olds.

I’d much rather my DD was ‘exploring’ herself safely than shacked up in a smelly teenage boy’s bedroom every weekend.

Disapproving of this situation has nothing to do with moral panic over teens having sex.

It’s believing that kids should be able to be kids (or teens should be teens…) at home. The adults around them should not encourage intense, pseudo live in relationships when it’s absolutely not needed.

MyMauveBiscuit · 16/07/2024 12:24

DeepAquaPanda · 16/07/2024 12:13

Yes, I will be limiting it a bit more. And yes, I think it is better than somewhere where protection may not be used.

Show quote history

You being at home will not mean she will remember to take her pill or abstain from sex for 2 weeks when she has diarrhoea and sickness 😂

Custardandrhubarbcrumble · 16/07/2024 12:45

I would allow this (like others I'd rather they were safely having sex under my roof than in the park or at a party) but I would maybe try and restrict it so they're not spending all of every weekend together. I would do this by saying we need some family time too.

JazbayGrapes · 16/07/2024 12:48

It’s believing that kids should be able to be kids (or teens should be teens…) at home. The adults around them should not encourage intense, pseudo live in relationships when it’s absolutely not needed.

This. At 15 i wouldn't be encouraging or facilitating sexual relationships. Of course kids can shag even in the bushes if pressed and there is no way stopping them. But i worry that parents greenlighting, it will lead to kids pressuring each other into doing things they aren't ready for, no matter how "mature for their age" they appear.

Tralalaka · 16/07/2024 12:56

MyMauveBiscuit · 15/07/2024 10:27

I don’t think you have, tbh.

To echo a previous poster, it really isn’t good for teenagers to play house at this age. Friendships, hobbies and school should be the priority. Allowing sleepovers for no reason at all pretty regularly is a sure fire way to end with two teenagers in an impromptu bed sit upstairs.

Your son is young, he might have the horn and this girl might be really nice- but home really does need to be a safe harbour from these ‘big feelings’. He is a child and you really shouldn’t be encouraging an intense, adult relationship by having this girl at your house every weekend. You’ve set the expectation that it’s ok now, and this will happen.

I have no issue with above the age of consent teens having a long term partner stay after a party or an arranged late night activity if it logistically makes sense- but none of this is necessary at all.

I agree 100% they are still children and this is not doing them any favours

Tralalaka · 16/07/2024 12:58

Jifmicroliquid · 15/07/2024 14:35

It wouldn’t bother me, provided the GFs parents are ok with it. Kids of that age will have sex regardless, I’d rather know they were safe.

You do not need a sleepover to have sex. You can be safe having sex in a house without sleeping over.

Tralalaka · 16/07/2024 13:00

DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:15

Hi - new on here and just needing reassurance. I know this topic has been done many times!

DS is 15, 16 in December. He has been with his GF, a nice girl for 5 months. He asked 3 weeks ago if she could stay over and in his bed. After thought and discusssion. I agreed with all the provisos re consent and protection. He did admit they had already had sex so it seemed the sensible and logical thing to do. She has stayed over Friday and Saturday night the last 2 weekends.

So they are underage of course but I am not necessarily worried about the legalities. As I said just reassurance really. And to ask if any others out there have allowed it at the same age, or did they wait until 16? Amd more specifically did you allow them to sleep in the same bed whether it was 15 or 16.

Thanks!

He’s in year 10. Have you lost your mind? I’ve stuck religiously to no sleepovers under 18 and only then in an established relationship and not every weekend

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 16/07/2024 13:16

DeepAquaPanda · 15/07/2024 10:51

Hmmm, so far seems nobody has / would allow it at that age? I should add that both are quite mature for their age.

I do..... because as I stated I'd much rather they be in a safe environment.

TheSixQuarks · 16/07/2024 13:25

Why does her staying over for 2 nights mean they're more likely to practice safe sex? You could provide them with condoms and turn a blind eye to what they get up to in the afternoons. The problem with staying over isn't about sex, and it doesn't solve any concerns anyway?

I feel quite sorry for teenagers now. Part of growing up and exploring was doing it away from the scrutiny of our parents. Now they're tracked on our phones and their sex lives are managed by parents. The irony about treating them as more mature than they are is that they're not getting the experiences we need to grow up healthily.