Dd18 smoking on social media - say something or not?

[Collexifon]

I've seen a few videos on social media of my dd out with friends and she's smoking. I'm surprised as she's always very into healthy eating and exercise. I know she worked really hard with A levels and she's probably just fitting in with her friends.

I know she's 18 and what she does is up to her but I really hate smoking as its so bad for you. Would you say anything?

The videos were on tiktok- she doesn't think I have tiktok, but I downloaded it to see some videos my sister sent me and the first friend suggestion that came up was a friend of dds (who I know well) and the video was there.

I know there are a lot of worse things she could be doing, so I'm really not sure whether to mention it.

It's a hard one - if you mention it and it's obvious you've seen it on her friends tiktok, she's probably going to think you're keeping tabs on her / snooping about on the internet to find the videos.

From your OP that doesn't sound like what you've done but in a teenage mind that will probably be her conclusion! It's honestly probably a passing fad!

At 18 like you said she's an adult, unless she's actively smoking in your house then you've probably not got much grounds for saying much without the awkward conversation of how you know. Is it actual cigarettes or vapes / weed do you know?

It's actual fags.

Yes of course I'd mention it. It's only on Mumsnet that posters believe that a child turns 18 and you just then never mention it ruin anything to them ever again!

I'd say ' I see you're smoking in your photos on Instagram (or wherever). Now I'm going to assume you're aware of how catastrophic it is to your health, yes?' and see if that opens up a discussion

I'd stress that they were of course free to smoke if they so wished but I'd be vocal in saying it's a total mugs game and that the only thing that smoked in the house was the chimney, before they got any ideas!

And then I'd leave it at that

I sort of feel it's my duty as a parent to say something about how unhealthy smoking is. But I don't want to really piss her off!

I’d say something, but I wouldn’t tell her how I knew.

@Collexifon it is your duty. You bring it up, you offer a chat about it, you tell them it's really stupid (which it is) and then you leave it and move on

Thanks - this is exactly what my instinct is.

Of course dh has melted into the background and won't say anything to her so I guess it's down to me

She'll ask.

To be honest the bloody videos made me cringe myself inside out but I'm trying not to dwell on that! I've deleted tiktok and bloody glad about it

It doesn't have to be a huge deal really. You can do it with some firm humour, you can offer support or a chat (probably won't take you up on this but you've done your bit!) and you can reiterate that it doesn't happen in the house please

There's not really much point. She'll think your snooping on her. She clearly isn't a daily smoker else you'd smell it, or she'd need to smoke in the garden/sneakily in her room.

You could try and raise it in casual conversation, like, 'oh, I've noticed vaping seems really popular among young people. When we were young it was smoking. Do you and your mates ever vape or smoke, is one more popular?' not in a judgemental way. She might feel relaxed enough to be honest and say she sometimes does, or she tried it a few times etc.

If you do want to put her off I'd say at that age the financial burden of it would be more of a deterrent than talking about cancer, lung disease etc.

The thing is, if you say anything, do you think she will immediately stop smoking? I doubt it, she will just think you have been snooping and get better at hiding things from you. She may only have one on a night out, if she was a regular smoker her clothes would smell of it.

She knows how bad it is, she hasn’t been living in a bubble her whole life.

I’d be so disappointed in my kids if they smoked cigarettes - I’d honestly rather (and I’ve told them this!) they smoke weed as at least it’s worth it. Cigarettes are so stupidly addictive without even a proper high for your troubles. Having lost both my (smoker) parents to cancer in their 50s my kids are under no illusion about my attitude to it so I know they wouldn’t tell me if they did. But when I had to sit next to my nephew at Xmas he absolutely stank of bad breath and stale smoke, it was really unpleasant. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in close proximity to a smoker and it was a real eye opener that it’s not easy to hide!

if your dd doesn’t regularly smell than maybe she’s just an occasional anti social smoker. And hopefully she’ll grow out of it.

I think if she's worried about people snooping she probably shouldn't put videos of her smoking on a public social media platform?

But what do you think she'll say? "Oh sorry mum, I had no idea smoking was bad for you"? Surely she already knows that so your input isn't needed

I think parents input is always needed as long as it's done kindly. I'm not her best mate (although we get on really well)

I wouldn't raise it, she's not stupid, she knows it's daft and bad for her. All you'll have is an awkward conversation that achieves nothing and a chink in the trust because she'll wonder how you knew.

I think you're also a little in the wrong here , yes Tiktok is public but if I was watching someone I was close to I'd want to let them know.

Fuck that, as an ex smoker who started as a teen I am very anti smoking now.
Does she work? I wouldn’t be bank rolling anything if she can afford almost £15 for a packet of 20.

Of course I'm not in the wrong for watching a video on social media! Literally anyone who has tiktok can see the video!

Do you feel bad about watching videos people share on social media? Those people have no idea you are watching them either!

I agree with this. My dd (older than yours) smokes occasionally when out with her mates. She knows it's stupid, knows I think it's stupid. I did the same thing at her age, just occasionally when drunk. You live and learn.

No she doesn't work - yet - she starts a gap year job in September.

Presumably she's poncing them from her mates

If it's actual cigarettes then it's probably easier to bring up as she must have some sort of smell on her? I can tend to smell it really easily on people as a non smoker!

That's an easy way to broach the subject without it sounding like you're creeping on her socials, less likely to get a bad reaction if it seems you're bringing it up naturally I think?

Well I am not "creeping on her socials". If she doesn't understand about algorithms and the way people she doesn't know can see public videos she posts, then she probably needs to learn that as well as how bad fags are

I think parents input is always needed as long as it's done kindly. I'm not her best mate (although we get on really well)

My point was more around what your input contributes to the situation. She knows smoking is bad for her health. If you say something, will it really change anything? Is it worth her becoming more conscious about locking you out of social media so you miss something more important or getting angry that you've been snooping?

I'd leave her alone. It's legal, she's an adult and shouldn't be worrying about being spied on by her parents when she's out having a good time.

Can you not just say you smelt it on a dress/jacket she was wearing? Rather than saying you saw the video.

She can claim it was friends but you can still have a chat.