Dd18 smoking on social media - say something or not?

[Collexifon]

I've seen a few videos on social media of my dd out with friends and she's smoking. I'm surprised as she's always very into healthy eating and exercise. I know she worked really hard with A levels and she's probably just fitting in with her friends.

I know she's 18 and what she does is up to her but I really hate smoking as its so bad for you. Would you say anything?

The videos were on tiktok- she doesn't think I have tiktok, but I downloaded it to see some videos my sister sent me and the first friend suggestion that came up was a friend of dds (who I know well) and the video was there.

I know there are a lot of worse things she could be doing, so I'm really not sure whether to mention it.

I always remember as a kid (about 9 years old) my best friends parents finding out their 18 yo was smoking. They sat him in the kitchen and made him smoke cig after cig until he threw up. I always thought that a bit extreme but that's always stuck in my mind, he never touched them again mind but I think as a parent. Reminding them of what's good and what not is part of our role. No matter how old they get.
If you saw the video on TikTok, there is a good chance she already knows you have seen it anyway because it alerts you if someone has viewed your profile, so her friend will know you were on her profile and has probably mentioned it to her. Or maybe not because she doesn't wnt to be the one who dobbed her in.

Without reading the whole thread, you can smell it on her and her clothes. I'd ask her, she'll probably say it's her friends and not her etc etc (like I did with my Mom) as she saw an actual photograph of me with one in my hand. I argued however but then realised no point. Then I fessed up.

It's a cigarette not a crack pipe, leave her alone

The smoking isn't the problem. The problem is allowing herself to be filmed doing something that she's not happy for everyone to see, including her parents. She needs to understand that once she has allowed herself to be filmed/photographed, she has no control over what happens to it. Thank goodness it was just smoking.

I have always told my dd if l ask her a question and she knows l won't like the answer, l already know the answer but am giving her the oppportnity to be honest with me.

If she was smoking , which would really upset me, l would say ot makes me reqlly unconfortable knowing you do that, please respect my wishes and neber ever do it in front of me or put it on the internet again.

Then she can ponder on that in her own time - hopefully will make the right decision.

If she's old enough to smoke she's old enough to be spoken to about it.

If she chooses to get pissed off that's her look out.

Obviously though, it's ultimately up to her if she wants to smoke.

No need to mention social media at all. A simple I know your smoking because I can smell it on your hair clothes will open discussion

Difficult - obviously, I don't know DD, but from my experience, she'll probably go off on one if you say something. Maybe it's stress from all the A level work she's doing. If it was me, I'd wait until she's done her A levels and see if it goes on when she's less stressed, then have a discussion.

I've spoken to her, back a few posts.

She's back to her old friendly self. No idea if she's still smoking!

To be honest, in your position I wouldnt give two hoots about pissing her off or seeming like I was snooping- I would have to talk to her. You’re her parent not her mate. You don’t have much control over what she does at that age but it’s still important to let her know you care enough to get on her case about it.

I did.

This. She’s 18, 88, 98. She’s still your child.

I did.

What it is that you want to do here? Give her a lecture about harms of smoking? Urge her to stop? Social smoking is really nothing. However, if she's seen on social media - it may carry unintended consequences. (i.e. with medical insurance or even employment)

She knows it's unhealthy. Most of us do at least one thing that's bad for us - we all know. Having someone lecture us about it (especially a parent!) is just going to make us grumpy and continue with the "unhealthy thing" all the more. And she'll think you're a sanctimonious, interfering fool.
It's fine to not allow her to smoke in your house, of course, but otherwise..... leave it; this is her life, not yours.

I have spoken to her. And she definitely doesn't think I'm an interfering fool - that's coming totally from you and your own biases/experiences.

She's absolutely 💯 back to being very friendly and pleasant.

It is sometimes your job as a parent to piss your children off when it is for their benefit & they can't see it. You weren't prying, just tell her how you saw it, say what you want to say etc and job done. At 18 she can decide, but it doesn't mean there aren't consequences to her actions, and that you don't get to have an opinion on it. She doesn't have to agree obviously, but nothing wrong with speaking to her.

I have.

Good, I hope it went ok

edited to add Apologies, I see it didn't go so well, I hadn't caught up. I hope things get back to normal soon.

They have! Thanks.

In my old teenager brain, I would have taken it really badly if my mum brought it up and patronised me by saying smoking is bad for you, she’s prob just wanting to fit in

Why wouldn't you say something? I would.

I did 🙂

Every single smoker knows that smoking is bad for them. But as her mother, setting out the dangers at least once is reasonable thing to do. You've done that - now you have to let her get on with it.

I'm not sure they do actually know, tbh. I mean, they know on a theoretical level. But teens think they are immortal.