Dd18 smoking on social media - say something or not?

[Collexifon]

I've seen a few videos on social media of my dd out with friends and she's smoking. I'm surprised as she's always very into healthy eating and exercise. I know she worked really hard with A levels and she's probably just fitting in with her friends.

I know she's 18 and what she does is up to her but I really hate smoking as its so bad for you. Would you say anything?

The videos were on tiktok- she doesn't think I have tiktok, but I downloaded it to see some videos my sister sent me and the first friend suggestion that came up was a friend of dds (who I know well) and the video was there.

I know there are a lot of worse things she could be doing, so I'm really not sure whether to mention it.

Spied on! Lol! Amazing how people don't understand how the internet works. Anyone can read anything on here, btw

Why are parents so reluctant to comment on their kids lifestyles nowadays? My mother used to nag me about my smoking habit even when I was in my 30s.
I really wish I had listened to her tbh

I think tell her how upset and worried you are about it, and say you know its up to her, but you really hope she stops

I think they've been conditioned to think if they bring anything up their child will then shut down and not tell them other stuff. The logic doesn't really work tbh. Or they think they have to be their dcs best mate. Or they believe the frankly odd mumsnet mantra that once your child is 18 they are an adult stranger

I think a kind chat is a nice thing to do.

No, I would not mention it. Do you remember being 18?

I never understand the advice to come in sideways with these discussions, like "I wonder if smoking or vaping is more popular with the youth? Any thoughts DD?" but my DC are small, so we don't have any particularly complex issues to discuss!
My mum used to sort of sidle into controversial conversations though and it just made me feel suspicious and disrespected. I wished she would just be straight with me.
I think I would say something like "Auntie Susan sent me some videos on tiktok, and after I watched them the algorithm suggested a video from your friend Jane. I noticed you were smoking in the video and I wondered what you get out of it?" Be honest and curious, not judgemental. (But my advice is based on discussions with my 4yo like "I noticed that there's a drawing of spiderman on your bedroom wall, and I wondered what you can tell me about that?" so might not apply to teens 😂)

I’m aware that my now 21 year old is a social smoker - started at uni.

She is moving home now & doesn’t smoke around me or at home. I never really mentioned it to her as she is an adult (in theory) she is allowed ro make her own choices / mistakes without my judgement or invading on her life in that way. Obviously if it was something much much more serious then yes.

By all means say something but if she is already addicted there's not much be done.

I'd probably make an indirect comment when out and about or watching TV with a smoker on it. Or I'm sure there is some sort of documentary or Panorama / embarrassing bodies type show you could put on whilst she's sat with you. No need to mention TikTok or the fact you've seen the video to get the point across.

She knows they are bad for her, she knows the consequences it is covered in school thoroughly and she's doing it anyway. So a video the more graphic the better would be ideal.

@AzureAnt but your mum commented and nagged at you and it made no difference. Presumably you were well aware of the risks but continued to smoke anyway. There a certain level of invincibility and "that doesn't apply to me" that goes along with youth and nagging doesn't help.

I'd tell her that you smelt it on her clothes when you were washing them, or a jacket hanging up etc. I used to smoke socially and my Mum was always giving out to me about the smell..

She will be aware of the dangers of smoking im sure. I definitelywas by 18. My dc were taught about it from junior school age onwards (similar age to your dd).
She may be a social smoker only if you can't smell it on her clothes.

None of my children smoke - digusting habit. I did have a Plan B if they started and still living at home in that I would start charging them more and more board and if they complained I would state they seem to have money for fags..

I wouldn't I do t think. What difference will it make. She knows it's bad for her
I would not be giving her any money though that's for sure.

I'm curious as to what the "anything" is that you want to say?

If your daughter has got to 18 without knowing how bad smoking is for your health, then I will be extremely surprised.

Most things you say she will see as judgemental.

I suppose you could say "oh I didn't realise you smoked" in a neutral sort of way and see what she says. I'm not sure you'll manage a constructive conversation though - let's fact it, she has already made the decision not to tell you about the smoking.

I suppose you could say "oh I didn't realise you smoked" in a neutral sort of way and see what she says

There is no neutral sort of way in family relationships, is there?

How would you explain not giving her any money? I don't give her much but I will until she starts her job in September.

That might sound a bit passive aggressive if I'm honest.

I'm planning to say I accidentally saw your and friend's video on tiktok and I saw you were smoking. It surprised me as I know you are very health conscious.

She can ask away… I never tell my ds who my sources are! I’m afraid to say a teen who doesn’t smoke, weed / nicotine or vape is a rare creature, I’m amazed how many of my sons friends do both or either.

I would go with the 'your clothes stunk of smoke - are you smoking?' approach.

I'd be very surprised if she doesn't already know that smoking is bad for you

Yeah I'd mention it. No confrontation, just curious as to whether it's a regular thing. I had almost the exact same when I had Snapchat years ago, for about an hour, and my son was smoking. You bet I mentioned it. Luckily a stupid teenage phase, nothing permanent.

You're probably right. I thought it would be better than launching in about health. Which only sounds judgemental.

I know my DS smokes as a social smoker (and he's not very sociable, so that would be hardly ever) because he offered up the information when we were having a general conversation about vaping off the back of DD's school sending round a letter about it. I suspect that's the only way of being generally neutral and even then it could be seen as fishing for information.

As with everything teen/young adult related, I think it's more important to work on having a relationship where they can talk to you if they want to, rather than "forcing" them to talk.

What would you say though?

Red I think that would be better. The thing you said.