Dd18 smoking on social media - say something or not?

[Collexifon]

I've seen a few videos on social media of my dd out with friends and she's smoking. I'm surprised as she's always very into healthy eating and exercise. I know she worked really hard with A levels and she's probably just fitting in with her friends.

I know she's 18 and what she does is up to her but I really hate smoking as its so bad for you. Would you say anything?

The videos were on tiktok- she doesn't think I have tiktok, but I downloaded it to see some videos my sister sent me and the first friend suggestion that came up was a friend of dds (who I know well) and the video was there.

I know there are a lot of worse things she could be doing, so I'm really not sure whether to mention it.

Nothing.

I would go with this approach. No girl/woman wants to stink and with cigarette smoke this is unavoidable.

Can 18 year olds legally buy cigarettes? If not then her access might be limited to goodness knows what camel-dung versions.

No to smoking in the house and no to financially supporting that habit either. If she's planning to switch to vapes the disposables are due to be banned shortly and the rechargeable ones still cost a fair bit so she can kiss goodbye to £££s.

I would go in hard because if she's not yet hooked, stopping her/her stopping would be the best move ever.

Being an ex-smoker myself (who is so grateful to no longer be smoking), I would do everything I could to dissuade my children from this horrendous habit, health aside because teens think they are immortal. Real consequences appear immediately in terms of being a social pariah and stinking.

I would 100% speak to ds(20) as we have good communication and he doesn't mind me telling him my thoughts. I have told him since he was 15/16 I can't watch his every move and I can't/won't tell him what to do, he is the one that will have the positive or negative consequences of his decisions not me.

I can only offer advice, sometimes that advice might not be wanted but it is my job as a parent while he is a young adult, and out of respect to me as a parent I expect him to listen and reflect on what I am saying when making his own decisions.

Smoking though, he already knows it is one I would not be happy with. He watched his grandpa, who he was very close too, suffer with COPD attached 24/7 to a long oxygen tube at home and was there when I found his body after he had died at home during the night. I would make sure he felt my strong disappointment and anger, but thankfully he is very anti smoking and none of his friends smoke or vape.

My parents said this about weed, now my sister smokes cigarettes because she can’t afford weed and it addicted to the tobacco she rolled joints with, and her mental health is absolutely shot. So yeah, she’d have been better just smoking cigarettes.

I've spoken to her. I said I was a bit surprised and disappointed, but I recognise that she's 18 and can do what she likes within reason.

I also told her that my grandad died of lung cancer before I had kids and seeing him in hospital was awful, so I might be a bit emotional about the whole idea of smoking.

She threw an absolute fit and is now not speaking to me.

I'm not unhappy that I mentioned it even though she was angry and embarrassed. I was congruent with myself. I'm not planning to discuss it further unless she wants to.

Sorry the chat didn’t go well. DS19 came home from the pub last night and his hair stank of smoke. So I said so. He said loads of his friends smoke and he was outside the pub passive smoking. He knows I hate it… mum died of cancer in her 50s. I don’t think he smokes, but glad we are talking about it.

Yes, definitely speak to her, you're her mum.

At the end of the day of course you can't necessarily stop her, but she needs to have that conversation ingrained in her head.

Otherwise to me, it's negligence on your part, as you're not being a concerned mum. It's part of one of our (numerous horrible) duties.

Still not speaking to me despite me attempting to initiate conversation 🙃

The only communication was a text asking me if I could buy a bottle of wine for a friend's mum (she's going to a house party this weekend).

OP, you're a better woman than I am if you get that wine for her. Who does she think she is? She can ask you, properly, surely? Ugh.

It's a parent's duty to piss their children off!

I think you've approached it well, surprised at 18 she's still that stroppy! Maybe I hit that bit early, I was a nightmare at 14/15 but back to being a ray of sunshine tolerable by sixth form

She's now gone out with her mate. Probably to have a fag. I'm slumped on the sofa with wine.

I think that's the issue with these sorts of conversations. The only reason now is to play the "I am your mum card" and where can she go with that?

I think once they get to adulthood it's just cheery support all the way and forget the whole "I'm not angry just disappointment " emotional blackmail. You've raised them. Now let them get on with their own choices.

I would agree, but my disappointment was not emotional blackmail, it was how I authentically felt.

She's grumpy because you called her out on something she knows is wrong. She's on the defensive because she's been caught.
I bollocked my 19 year old the day because I found fags in her jeans in the wash. I'm bloody supporting her through uni and told her very clearly if that's what she was spending our money on she could support herself.

This. Tell her you can smell it on her. Cigarettes are expensive now so it's a waste of money.

She's mellowed. Gone off to her party but was back to her normal friendly self and gave me a hug before she left.

I'm fighting the urge to tell you how bad alcohol is for you 🤣

Glad she's back to her usual self though.

That's good

I'm sure she drinks as well!

You did the right thing. My brother was smoking at that age with a dad who died at 56 of lung cancer when I was 16 and he was 13. So did my dad´s younger brother. They know the risk, they don´t care, you have told her. We are all big enough and ugly enough to not behave as idiots.

I came here to say the same - I remember my mum said I ''stunk of cigarettes' after literally standing in a pub chatting to a friend for a few minutes when I was a teenager!! (And neither of us were smoking).

I can't agree, mental health issues, schizophrenia etc. People can and fo give up cigarettes everyday, very few people stop being schizophrenic or fully recover from mental health issues without being medicated for the rest of their lives.

My friend today has just been diagnosed with 2 types of cancer related to smoking. She is 54 and has been telling me for 22 years she will be quitting…that’s her future!

I use to smoke in my teenage years, and my mum who never smoked sat me down and we had an honest adult to adult conversation....my mum was honest with me and categorically told me no way was I smoking under her roof ( as she hated the smell).

I think if you want respect and honesty for your teen you also have to give that respect and honest to her and talk to her like an adult no tiptoeing or softly softly she will respect you more eventually mayb not right away but that will be anger talking.