My DS doesn't want to go to the Prom

Jennywren8 · 2024-07-09T11:10:09+00:00

Just feel a bit sad for him. He is quite shy and neurodiverse and won't be staying in at sixth form. He has school friends who are going and have bought ticket which wasn't cheap but now he has said that he's not going. DH says that I should leave him be and not force it and he will need to pay us back for the ticket but feel sad as think he's probably enjoy it when he's there and that it's a rite of passage. However we didn't do it as teenagers. Why do I feel sad? And should I encourage him to go?

samlovesdilys · 09/07/2024 12:28

My eldest didn't go to his. I had bought ticket so option was open but he didn't want to, wasn't staying there for sixth form and just said no. I let him be, no point in forcing him at that point I decided 🤷🏼‍♀️

dollybird · 09/07/2024 12:34

DD didn't go. She initially wanted to but just isn't a girl who like all the glitz and glamour, and not brave/confident enough to be different and not wear a dress. I don't think she was bothered in the end, and the weather was awful on the day.

Needmorelego · 09/07/2024 12:35

I would have absolutely hated a prom that's the style they are now - or just been bored out my mind tbh.
He doesn't want to go. So what?

Springwatch123 · 09/07/2024 12:35

Mine didn’t go to theirs either. Follow their lead.

MiddleAgedDread · 09/07/2024 12:36

I've spent too much of my life going to things like office christmas parties that I didn't want to go to and didn't enjoy because I thought I should, and I'm not even ND, so don't force him!

CheeseWisely · 09/07/2024 12:38

If it reassures you a bit OP my Niece had hers last week, went all in with the expensive dress, hair, make-up etc and described it afterwards simply as 'anticlimatic'.

I think they all enjoyed the after party (back in their normal clothes) more than the event itself. All build up and in the end not much substance.

Precipice · 09/07/2024 12:41

Did he initially want to go? Is that why he got the ticket or did you just buy him a ticket on the idea that 'everyone is going'? I don't think he should have to pay it back unless it was something he actively asked for.

I didn't go to the maybe-prom-equivalent post A-levels. I wouldn't have gone earlier. Not my thing at all.

Singleandproud · 09/07/2024 12:42

I'd take him (and a flask and a book) and sit in the carpark so if he wanted to leave I'm there but I would set the expectation that he goes in for 30mins and hope he stays the length of the event. I try very hard not to let autistic DD just bow out of things I know she'll probably enjoy once she's settled.

It might be worth ringing the venue and asking if a familiarisation visit is possible before hand or see if they do carvery etc and go first together.

Original poster

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 12:44

He did ask for the ticket and I advised at the time that he'd need to pay me back if he pulled out. The bigger cost would be the suit (which he won't need for college) as he is still growing. We haven't got that but would need to buy asap if he changes his mind. He seems to have made it up however.

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Original poster

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 12:46

Singleandproud · 09/07/2024 12:42

I'd take him (and a flask and a book) and sit in the carpark so if he wanted to leave I'm there but I would set the expectation that he goes in for 30mins and hope he stays the length of the event. I try very hard not to let autistic DD just bow out of things I know she'll probably enjoy once she's settled.

It might be worth ringing the venue and asking if a familiarisation visit is possible before hand or see if they do carvery etc and go first together.

Edited

I think that's a lovely idea but my DS would hate me doing that, he hasn't told anyone about his diagnosis and would be mortified to stand out

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Singleandproud · 09/07/2024 12:48

His friends don't need to know, he can travel with friends or you can drive them and then park up somewhere close.

Is it at a hotel? You could even book a room if they have twins so he can nip in and out or have your own meal in the restaurant if it's separate etc.

ChateauMargaux · 09/07/2024 12:49

Dont make him pay you back... you decided to pay for his ticket... he decided not to go.. whether he goes or not, that money is gone.

Maybe he thought he would be letting you down if he didn't go but now it comes to it, he is brave enough to say how he feels.

Take him out / get his favourite food in / play a board game with him / visit his favourite place.. celebrate the end of his schooling in a way that also celebrates him.

Iffx · 09/07/2024 12:50

I have a ND 18yo

i am in disbelief that you and your dh would make him pay back the ticket if he doesn’t go. The money is lost whether he goes or not. Sunk cost.

why would you upset him further by demanding the money? He’s clearly got some issue with going - social/embarrassment/unpopular/bullied etc. he needs you on his side - not punishing him for traits associated with being ND.

of course you should not make him go. He doesn’t want to and it’s not a rite of passage at all. It’s just a celebration/party for those who want it. The “passage” for those who are ND is different and you should know that.

It’s made me quite angry reading your post.

Sweetcheesecake · 09/07/2024 12:54

I wouldn’t push him to go. It’s his choice. You think he will regret it, but he really won’t, it’s you that is feeling the regret (already!). It’s just a party really.
If he won’t be staying at sixth form either it will probably feel different for him anyway, he might actually be glad to see the back of the place.
Leave him be.

SleepEatSnoozeRepeat · 09/07/2024 12:55

If you’ve not yet spent out on the clothes etc, and he’s made his mind up, cut your losses op. I wouldn’t ask for the money for the ticket back either. It’s a shame you bought it already but that’s the way it goes sometimes.
Your ds will not thank you for forcing him, if that’s even possible with a 16 year old.
I fully expect to be in the same position with dd, who has refused to go on any residentials or evening events since she went to secondary. She has no interest in the social side of school and struggles with noisy environments anyway. I guess at least I know now! But if she asked I would get a ticket just in case.

DNiece had the full glow up, DBro spent £1000+ on the dress, hair, nails, make up, tan, car etc as was her wish. When asked if she had a wonderful time the answer was ‘it was alright’ with a shrug. She looked a bit daft next to the others with just a nice dress and light makeup so make of that what you will.

BeautifulLyrics · 09/07/2024 12:56

Why feel sad for him when he's said he doesn't want to go? I would feel sad for him if you made him go to something unnecessary like this when he's said he doesn't want to. Leave him alone. What one person finds enjoyable would not be enjoyable to someone else. Stop trying to make him do what others do.

I don't think my youngest will go to prom next year and that's fine with us. She enjoys other things, but prom would be the stuff of nightmares for her. 😂

Trinity65 · 09/07/2024 12:57

If he don't want to go, he don't want to go

Don't make him go

DogInATent · 09/07/2024 12:58

Why do I feel sad?
That's the real question. Let him make his choice and be happy (or not) with it. Work out why you've invested your happiness in his prom.

Original poster

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 12:58

Sweetcheesecake · 09/07/2024 12:54

I wouldn’t push him to go. It’s his choice. You think he will regret it, but he really won’t, it’s you that is feeling the regret (already!). It’s just a party really.
If he won’t be staying at sixth form either it will probably feel different for him anyway, he might actually be glad to see the back of the place.
Leave him be.

Yes he's looking forward to moving on. I won't make him pay for the ticket and grateful that I hadn't spent a load of money on a suit which he won't need after the prom. It probably is more about me as remember end of school being a big celebration (albeit with cans of cider in the park rather than a 3 course meal) but he is not me and I am not him and he's a lovely boy so should respect his wishes.

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WinkyTinky · 09/07/2024 12:58

Not sure if this will help, but my DS was adamant he wasn't going to his prom, but then ended up going. He too is probably ND, and certainly doesn't like parties of any kind, but I think in the end he decided this would be the last moment of school and he should make the effort to be there.

We sat in the car together until the last minute as he looked close to tears, then he took a deep breath and went in once he had spotted a few boys he thought he could tag along with. I did stay in the car park for a while, but then went home, and he did make it to the end. It wasn't the best night in the world for him, but overall he's glad he went.

It was also lovely to see a few of the SEND kids turning up and leaving their comfort zone. I was crying more over them than my own kids!

So I don't know whether to advise you to leave it be, or give a little shove of encouragement. I'm just saying that my very reluctant son survived!

kwetu · 09/07/2024 12:58

My DS was the same, adamant he didn't want to go, then changed his mind a few days before, we hadn't got a suit (black tie) so ended up renting one ..... unfortunately the rental place was out of suits that would fit well (obviously being prom season) so they ended up trying to alter one for him, we still call him Rodders to this day, as he looked like a lanky skinny Rodney (only fools n horses) trying to look good in an ill fitting suit. But he did go, he did enjoy it, and we have some great pictures of our little Rodders!

Original poster

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:00

kwetu · 09/07/2024 12:58

My DS was the same, adamant he didn't want to go, then changed his mind a few days before, we hadn't got a suit (black tie) so ended up renting one ..... unfortunately the rental place was out of suits that would fit well (obviously being prom season) so they ended up trying to alter one for him, we still call him Rodders to this day, as he looked like a lanky skinny Rodney (only fools n horses) trying to look good in an ill fitting suit. But he did go, he did enjoy it, and we have some great pictures of our little Rodders!

That's my fear that he changes his mind with hours to go (as he has been yes/no for a while) and a mad dash to Next but will do it if he changes his mind

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Original poster

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:01

Thanks for all your input, I'm feeling very menopausal and not myself today which isn't helping my rationale

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afromom · 09/07/2024 13:02

My Ds and his friends didn't go to his prom, not ND, very popular, on the football team , no social issues and still friends with loads of people from school, but just not interested. He is 20 now and doesn't regret it at all.

Last weekend we stayed in a hotel
With a year 11 prom happening, lots of kids spent most of the time outside and several were leaving by 9pm saying it was rubbish.

I'm not sure prom is always the amazing must attend event that everyone makes it out to be. If your DS doesn't want to go I wouldn't make him go, I'm am sure he won't regret it.

Kaleidoscope101 · 09/07/2024 13:03

My son didn't go to his prom.
I didn't force it.
We went to see one of his best friends off who was going in a fancy car. My son happily waved him off and had no regrets.
We did go away for a weekend to attend an event (his choice) to kind of celebrate the end of school. I figured I would have spent a similar amount if he had gone to prom with all the bells and whistles.
He really enjoyed his alternative to prom.