My DS doesn't want to go to the Prom

[Jennywren8]

Just feel a bit sad for him. He is quite shy and neurodiverse and won't be staying in at sixth form. He has school friends who are going and have bought ticket which wasn't cheap but now he has said that he's not going. DH says that I should leave him be and not force it and he will need to pay us back for the ticket but feel sad as think he's probably enjoy it when he's there and that it's a rite of passage. However we didn't do it as teenagers. Why do I feel sad? And should I encourage him to go?

No. Let him stay home and forget it. It's not for him and he shouldn't feel bad.
I think if you're introverted going to these things can be horrible.

I didn't go to my graduation. I saw no point in it. I'm too old for Proms but if there was such a thing when I left school I wouldn't have gone. Some people just don't like things like that.

Could you not buy a suit last min-ish & then return it (with tags) for a full refund if he doesn’t go?? No loss either way then as long as it’s within the 30days you are able to return it

My DS is early 20s now. He didn't really enjoy his year 11 prom. He went to an all boys school that had a sister school. He didn't really know many of the girls there and felt very nervous. Couldn't bring himself to dance.

He chose to go because he would have had FOMO

I do know what you mean about feeling sad OP. DD wanted to go to hers last year, then put off getting anything to wear, couldn't find anything at the last minute, screamed at me to help, then screamed at me because I was helping.

I just backed off and never mentioned the price of the ticket.

She didn't go and I didn't comment and haven't since. For me, the sadness is that dd repeatedly sabotages herself by over-thinking things and finding reasons not to do things then regretting it. Standing back and watching her make herself miserable by making her own choices/mistakes is far and away the hardest thing I've had to do as a parent. I don't know whether it's the right thing to do, but trying to involve myself certainly isn't.

Why are you sad it's his choice

My DS didn't want to go so didn't

My DS didn't go, not his thing at all and nothing to do with Neurodivergence.

It's up to him isn't it? They're old enough to decide.

DS is instead having a few mates over for a gaming session and pizza.

Glad to read you won't ask him to pay you back.
My middle child didn't go to his , oldest child decided to go 7 days before which was fun 🙄and youngest has just had hers.
Neither of the 2 who went were overly fussed about the whole thing.
Personally i find it a great big load of fuss and drama ,not forgetting the expense, your son really is not missing out on much, there are so many better experiences than prom ,a few hours eating usually crap food with a bunch of school kids many of whom your kid will happily never want to ever meet up with again.

I didn't go to mine because we were expected to bring a date and I didn't have one. I don't think it matters does it? I was given quite a hard time about it at the time but it was the right choice was for me and I don't regret it. School wasn't a happy time anyway. Just let him do things his own way without judgement imo. That is the best way to build his confidence.

Neither of my older two went to theirs and have no regrets, I don't think No3 will bother with hers next year, but No4 will probably cost me more than I've saved on all of the other three 🤣🤣

I don't like the idea of you making him pay back the ticket though

I find it cruel and distasteful

I'd contact the school and explain the situation and try for a refund or resale

@RookieMa don't worry I decided early on not to (see up post)

So the prom was last night, he didn't go and he was fine with it. Lots of pics online of friends in prom outfits but didn't seem to bother him and he's said this morning that he made the right decision. Haven't heard amazing things about it, just glad it's done now and he is fine with it.

I did let the school know so they could give his ticket to someone else

My ds didn’t go. He is ND. He doesn’t have issues with bullying, social anxiety etc, he just really didn’t fancy it. He doesn’t regret not going and doesn’t feel he missed out.

I initially felt sad, especially as all his friends were going. But my friend whose dd went said she ended up picking her dd up at 10pm, and that she was crying because everyone was drunk and throwing up. So I’m glad he didn’t go, as he’d have hated that.

I don't really get why he has to pay for the ticket if he doesn't go. You've spent the money whether he goes or not, is it just a punishment? Poor kid.

Just seen you didn't make him pay which is great. I still don't get why you would have.

Sounds like we have similar sons!

Treat him like an adult. If he doesn't want to go, please respect his choice.

@BeaRF75 you're a bit late. The prom has been and gone. He didn't go.
(just read the half a dozen posts above yours 🙄)

I'm glad he didn't get forced to go and he is happy with his decision. I initially wanted to go to mine, then didn't but parents had bought the ticket and dress and essentially told me I had to. I hated everything about it and spent most of the night in the toilet (it was a fancy toilet with a sofa and waiting room type thing in). 20 odd years later I can't even remember anything about it other than sitting waiting in that good bathroom until it was time to leave.

Would he be happier just going to the after party rather than the prom? Maybe he could catch up with friends that way and mark the occasion. I don't think I'd make him pay you back for the ticket, but treat that as a learning curve for future events as it may out him off joining in, in the future?

It's good that he made his own choice and was happy with it. I was one of a small handful in my year group who didn't go to the school formal (as it was called then!) It just wasn't for me. I remember wishing I was the type of person who could get excited about it. But I just wasn't. My friends went, but didn't seem too surprised at my non attendance😆

I have a DD who will be all over the prom when she gets there so will have my mum prom moment in the end 🤣

I get why you’re upset, my son is quiet and sounds like your son and anything he does that involves putting himself out there seems like a bit of a win which dh I think thinks is a bit irrational of me as sometimes no they won’t actually have a good time and it’s absolutely the opposite of what they’d usually enjoy. It’s the chance that they might have a great time and may be able to join in other prom conversations in the future by adding they had great fun at theirs, kind of another check box/ milestone (even though it isn’t!) Hugs op