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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DS doesn't want to go to the Prom

99 replies

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 12:10

Just feel a bit sad for him. He is quite shy and neurodiverse and won't be staying in at sixth form. He has school friends who are going and have bought ticket which wasn't cheap but now he has said that he's not going. DH says that I should leave him be and not force it and he will need to pay us back for the ticket but feel sad as think he's probably enjoy it when he's there and that it's a rite of passage. However we didn't do it as teenagers. Why do I feel sad? And should I encourage him to go?

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 09/07/2024 14:12

My youngest didn't go. He really didn't want to, despite his friends going. But, I still bought him a suit (as I did for his brother), not to pressure him but because he wanted one.

If yours doesn't want to go, OP, then don't make them.

CeruleanDive · 09/07/2024 14:17

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:44

@TheBishopIsKillingMe that is so kind, however thankfully my neighbour has bought around her son's suit (Next) just in case. I've been up to his bedroom after reading all this wisdom and reassured him that he does not need to go if he doesn't want to, won't need to pay the monies back and that if he changes his mind on the day that's also fine too as we could sort something out. I got a 'husky 'llove you mum'

That is pure gold! 💙

Foxxo · 09/07/2024 14:19

I didn't go to mine ('leaver's do" back then in 1998, not prom) and i do not regret it one bit.

If he doesn't want to go, leave him be.

iPreferBooks · 09/07/2024 14:32

I didn't go to mine either, no regrets (that was before I knew i was autistic). Still ended up using the smart clothes for things like interviews, funerals and family events so the clothes were still used. If there's anything else he'd rather do instead on the day, I'd let him do that.

Notstrongandstable · 09/07/2024 14:38

My sons is tomorrow and I'm fully expecting him to turn around and say he's not going. I was going to gently suggest going for an hour and if he hated it I'd pick him up.
OP I get it, the feeling sad. For us it's not just about "hating parties" as some posters have suggested. I'm sad my son has no social circle or real friends. It's heartbreaking!

GruntledGoblin · 09/07/2024 14:40

Proms now are OTT. If it's not his thing, then don't force him and don't feel sad. What exactly is he missing?
We had a 5th form disco where we went in our own clothes (not ridiculously glammed up) and I remember having a great chat with my German teacher as he rolled me a cigarette! 😂

CeruleanDive · 09/07/2024 14:48

Notstrongandstable · 09/07/2024 14:38

My sons is tomorrow and I'm fully expecting him to turn around and say he's not going. I was going to gently suggest going for an hour and if he hated it I'd pick him up.
OP I get it, the feeling sad. For us it's not just about "hating parties" as some posters have suggested. I'm sad my son has no social circle or real friends. It's heartbreaking!

That is heartbreaking. Does he have any activities/hobbies that he does? Including some away from school/college? I wish I had realised earlier that that's often the way forward for those of us who don't socialise easily.

DrCoconut · 09/07/2024 14:59

My DS didn't go to his. He was too pleased to never have to go back or see any of them again and just wanted to get away. He is ND and secondary school was awful for him.

LoyalMember · 09/07/2024 15:13

A Prom would've bored the arse off me at his age. Daft American shite.

Gugel · 09/07/2024 16:14

LoyalMember · 09/07/2024 15:13

A Prom would've bored the arse off me at his age. Daft American shite.

Is it not just a rebranding of a school leavers' dance of the kind that has happened for aeons, though? We certainly had one when I left school in the 80s, though it was called a 'debs' ball' (and grads' ball for the boys' school equivalent).

I didn't go to mine either, come to think of it. My mother was in despair trying to get me to change my mind, because she's a shy, socially awkward woman who would have liked nothing better than to have produced a string of the kind of daughters who Joined In and never moved without an accompanying posse. (Instead of which she produced three independent-minded academic/professional high-achievers who have one marriage and one child between them, and it is a terrible burden for her...)

Littlemissnikib · 09/07/2024 16:21

My son is autistic, has no friends and flat out refused to go to his prom. I let him be but I have to admit I did feel a bit sad for him when I saw everyone else’s pictures in the night. He was quite happy about it all though.

DaughterNo2 · 09/07/2024 16:29

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:00

That's my fear that he changes his mind with hours to go (as he has been yes/no for a while) and a mad dash to Next but will do it if he changes his mind

Show quote history

When is the actual prom?
I only ask as we really struggled to get a suit from Next 2 weeks before my son’s prom

RedHelenB · 09/07/2024 16:32

Encourage him to go. He may enjoy it more than he thinks. Say you'll collect him early if he hates it.

Baital · 09/07/2024 16:38

'Prom' is an over hyped Americanism.

DD's school doesn't do it and DD doesn't feel she has missed out. Instead has been on a month-long trip to various family members overseas she hasn't seen for a few years. Is loving it!

A friend spent £500-600 on her daughter's Prom. I have spent about £1,000 on DD's month long celebration.

I know which is better value.

Of course, not everyone has family overseas, but really, think.of what experiences your child could have with the Prom money, and decide which is better value

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 09/07/2024 18:54

Singleandproud · 09/07/2024 12:42

I'd take him (and a flask and a book) and sit in the carpark so if he wanted to leave I'm there but I would set the expectation that he goes in for 30mins and hope he stays the length of the event. I try very hard not to let autistic DD just bow out of things I know she'll probably enjoy once she's settled.

It might be worth ringing the venue and asking if a familiarisation visit is possible before hand or see if they do carvery etc and go first together.

Edited

Omg. Don’t do this. Please.

User364837 · 09/07/2024 18:58

It’s no biggie. I wouldn’t force it. I also wouldn’t make him pay you back - you already budgeted for it presumably.

Singleandproud · 09/07/2024 19:04

@Staringatthewalljustmeagain why on earth not? He originally wanted to go so it's likely nerves got the best of him.
It may not work for all autistic teens but it would certainly help for others and presumably each parent knows what works for each child. When you have an autistic child sometimes you need to think outside the box and support them to try things they aren't sure about.

My DD likes to visit places first so well often go together for a dry run if it's open to the public.

As for sitting in the carpark, you don't have to literally sit in the car park, go for a walk, park on a street nearby etc. All the proms around here are held in function rooms of hotels open to the public or at a venue next to the beach.

I know my DD is more likely to stay if she has the option of an out and its hardly a hardship to wait. Shed probably be happy during the food and then she and her friends would probably move outside for the loud dancing part but still enjoy themselves. Most parents have been sitting around waiting for their children at swimming sessions, rugby training, dance practices - what's one more night.
It's not like you have to wave a flag at the rest of his year shouting "Little JennyWren can't hack it so mummys sitting in the car"

RedHelenB · 09/07/2024 19:53

Baital · 09/07/2024 16:38

'Prom' is an over hyped Americanism.

DD's school doesn't do it and DD doesn't feel she has missed out. Instead has been on a month-long trip to various family members overseas she hasn't seen for a few years. Is loving it!

A friend spent £500-600 on her daughter's Prom. I have spent about £1,000 on DD's month long celebration.

I know which is better value.

Of course, not everyone has family overseas, but really, think.of what experiences your child could have with the Prom money, and decide which is better value

Only soent £100 on my dc proms They enjoyed them. Yes it originated in America but most secondary schools in England have them now.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/07/2024 19:59

WinkyTinky · 09/07/2024 12:58

Not sure if this will help, but my DS was adamant he wasn't going to his prom, but then ended up going. He too is probably ND, and certainly doesn't like parties of any kind, but I think in the end he decided this would be the last moment of school and he should make the effort to be there.

We sat in the car together until the last minute as he looked close to tears, then he took a deep breath and went in once he had spotted a few boys he thought he could tag along with. I did stay in the car park for a while, but then went home, and he did make it to the end. It wasn't the best night in the world for him, but overall he's glad he went.

It was also lovely to see a few of the SEND kids turning up and leaving their comfort zone. I was crying more over them than my own kids!

So I don't know whether to advise you to leave it be, or give a little shove of encouragement. I'm just saying that my very reluctant son survived!

Well done your DS!! I’m welling up thinking of him taking a deep breath and getting out there. My DS’s are 7mths and 3yrs. Im gonna have to toughen up before there grow up otherwise I don’t think I’ll be able to hack it 😂

Titsywoo · 09/07/2024 20:01

Neither of my kids went to theirs - DD had no friends really so had no real interest and DS just thought it sounded boring. We did something else with them (dinner out) - neither have ever regretted it. Not sure why they would to be honest!

Anjo2011 · 09/07/2024 20:02

Suggest you go and have a look at a suit, no pressure for him to buy anything. Once he’s tried some on he might feel that he would like to go. Failing that I’d go with his decision to not go. It’s not a fun thing for everyone.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/07/2024 20:03

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:44

@TheBishopIsKillingMe that is so kind, however thankfully my neighbour has bought around her son's suit (Next) just in case. I've been up to his bedroom after reading all this wisdom and reassured him that he does not need to go if he doesn't want to, won't need to pay the monies back and that if he changes his mind on the day that's also fine too as we could sort something out. I got a 'husky 'llove you mum'

urgh, I’m too tired not to cry and this 😂

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 09/07/2024 20:05

I didn't go to our leavers ball. It hasn't scarred me, I just didn't want to go

MollyButton · 09/07/2024 20:05

2 out of my 3 didn't go.

purser25 · 09/07/2024 20:08

If he does decide to go reckon you could get a suit in a charity shop.