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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DS doesn't want to go to the Prom

99 replies

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 12:10

Just feel a bit sad for him. He is quite shy and neurodiverse and won't be staying in at sixth form. He has school friends who are going and have bought ticket which wasn't cheap but now he has said that he's not going. DH says that I should leave him be and not force it and he will need to pay us back for the ticket but feel sad as think he's probably enjoy it when he's there and that it's a rite of passage. However we didn't do it as teenagers. Why do I feel sad? And should I encourage him to go?

OP posts:
Swearwolf · 09/07/2024 13:08

My year was not quite a prom as they have them now but a prom style leaver's party, back in 2000. I went for exactly the reasons you said, fear of regretting it later.

I hadn't had the best time at secondary, constant friend troubles and I was far from popular. I was in an awkward phase and felt terrible about my looks.

I arrived, immediately felt out of place and hideous and embarrassed to be there. Waited outside until the end when my mum was picking me up. I still regret not trusting my gut and staying home, still feel silly for trying to go and join in.

I think listen to your son! And don't make him pay you back, as a pp said, you already spent the money either way.

mitogoshi · 09/07/2024 13:09

My dd2 didn't go to her year 11 prom, none of her friends went either, we had a leaving party in our garden and she went to other house parties too. The school offering in the school hall was more suited to primary school than 16 year olds, fizzy drinks and pick n mix Confused. Year 13 ball was fun, different school and parents went, great night out

MonsteraMama · 09/07/2024 13:11

I didn't go to mine and it certainly hasn't done me any lasting damage. My daughter and her pals don't want to go to theirs either because they're protesting the ticket prices (£80 a head) so they're throwing their own "anti-prom" instead. I'm rather proud of her.

Let him make his choice, he's not you. If he regrets not going, well that's another life lesson for him. He's got lots of those to look forward to!

Berlinlover · 09/07/2024 13:12

I didn’t go to mine thirty years ago and never regretted it. I still think they’re a load of nonsense.

Samcro · 09/07/2024 13:15

ds didn't go to his. he's in his 30's now and has never regretted it.

Marshmallowbrain · 09/07/2024 13:16

I wouldn't push it and also wouldn't make him pay be back, he's a kid.

I sympathise with him, I'm not neurodiverse but have extreme social anxiety. I try and push through and commit to things but when it comes to it I just can't go.

BobandRobertaSmith · 09/07/2024 13:19

If you are worried that he might change his mind at the last minute and struggle to find a suit, places like Asda and Primark sell black tie/suits for a reasonable price. Perhaps you could buy one and return it if he doesn’t attend the prom?

CeruleanDive · 09/07/2024 13:19

It seems a shame not to give it a try as he clearly at least partly wanted to go when he bought the ticket.

You could suggest just buying a suit which can be returned if not worn. Once he's in a suit that might decide him, ie give him a bit of confidence or allow him to say no, this definitely isn't for me.

I deal with my ND anxiety like this - just do one stage at a time without making any big decisions about the final event.

You could also say that if he hates it, just leave and come home and order in pizza and watch a film. No big deal, but he has given it a go.

Gugel · 09/07/2024 13:23

but he is not me and I am not him and he's a lovely boy so should respect his wishes

Good for you, OP. This is key.

And yes, he might regret not going, but that isn't something you can mitigate against as a parent -- it's just a fact of life that when you make one choice it closes down another, and doing something you're pretty certain at the moment that you won't enjoy in case you might regret later on that you didn't do the unenjoyable thing is a bit mad, whether it's going to your prom or having children.

happinessischocolate · 09/07/2024 13:24

My dd went to her and had a horrible time due to bitchy girls. My ds had no interest at all and has never regretted not going.

MrsLeonFarrell · 09/07/2024 13:28

Neither of mine went to prom. One was part of a year group that voted to do alternative things like go pkarting instead of prom, the other was disappointed his year group voted for a prom instead of activities. I think Prom is something that really only appeals to a small section of the year group, be glad your son has confidence to do what he enjoys.

1983Louise · 09/07/2024 13:31

I'd leave him be, he knows how he feels. We'd bought my daughters prom dress then she felt to overwhelmed to go. It hasn't done her any harm.going forward although she has recently been diagnosed with ADHD, so that may explain why she struggled with the idea of going.

Changingmynameyetagain · 09/07/2024 13:31

DD never bothered going to hers last year. She hated school by the end, once she finished her last exam she was done never to return.
My neighbours hired a horse drawn carriage for their daughter! Madness!

Bridgewhat24 · 09/07/2024 13:33

Just to say, I get it OP.
My ND DS didn’t go either and I was sad for the things he was missing out on, even though I knew he didn’t want to go. What he wanted, was to be able to ‘fit in’ like he did in primary school and have a good time with friends, but that had all changed by year 11 :-(
if you haven’t seen it, look up a poem called ‘ Holland’. It’s about expectations with a ND child and how we might miss lovely experiences because we are busy looking at the others we/they are missing

TheBishopIsKillingMe · 09/07/2024 13:38

Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:00

That's my fear that he changes his mind with hours to go (as he has been yes/no for a while) and a mad dash to Next but will do it if he changes his mind

Show quote history

I have DS’s tux from 2 years ago that he has outgrown. It’s on the pile for the charity shop.

Where are you? Do you want it?!

Birdingbear · 09/07/2024 13:39

I didn't go to my prom ....dont like parties and discos and all that nonsense. Not everyone loves this sort of thing and it's unfair that people try and force us to go. It's been over 20 years since my prom and I've not regretted it one bit. I had the best weekend away at centre parcs instead.

protectoroftherealm · 09/07/2024 13:41

It's good that you're ready to step up with a mad rush if he changes his mind OP.

The minute I finished my last GCSE at school I was out of that building and away from my classmates faster than Usain Bolt and haven't seen any of them since! I hate parties, I hate wearing silly outfits and I hate socialising! I didn't like 99% of the people I went to school with so prom would have been my idea of hell!

Original poster
Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:44

@TheBishopIsKillingMe that is so kind, however thankfully my neighbour has bought around her son's suit (Next) just in case. I've been up to his bedroom after reading all this wisdom and reassured him that he does not need to go if he doesn't want to, won't need to pay the monies back and that if he changes his mind on the day that's also fine too as we could sort something out. I got a 'husky 'llove you mum'

OP posts:
spiderlight · 09/07/2024 13:46

Mine didn't go to his last year. He'd been off school ill for three months, only going in to sit exams in a quiet room, and he just couldn't face it. His best friend wasn't going and other friends hadn't been in touch much while he was off (again, he's very shy and possibly ND). I was very sad looking at all the photos on social media of the others in his year all dressed up, but he had a great evening - his friend came round here and then they ended up playing Minecraft until the early hours. He was perfectly happy with his decision, which is ultimately what mattered, but I totally understand why you feel sad. It's a rite of passage, albeit a bit of an Americanised one and invariably an anti-climax, and it felt like yet another reminder that he was a bit different from the 'popular' crowd. He's moved on to college now though and is much happier.

Original poster
Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 13:48

spiderlight · 09/07/2024 13:46

Mine didn't go to his last year. He'd been off school ill for three months, only going in to sit exams in a quiet room, and he just couldn't face it. His best friend wasn't going and other friends hadn't been in touch much while he was off (again, he's very shy and possibly ND). I was very sad looking at all the photos on social media of the others in his year all dressed up, but he had a great evening - his friend came round here and then they ended up playing Minecraft until the early hours. He was perfectly happy with his decision, which is ultimately what mattered, but I totally understand why you feel sad. It's a rite of passage, albeit a bit of an Americanised one and invariably an anti-climax, and it felt like yet another reminder that he was a bit different from the 'popular' crowd. He's moved on to college now though and is much happier.

I think it does make me feel like my son is different from the crowd and I am pleased he has the confidence to head to college even though he doesn’t know anyone else going. He says he is sick of school and wants to move on!

OP posts:
Hopebridge · 09/07/2024 13:50

It's been made so flashy now. It was so much easier before. I remember going on a school coach. I wore a nice dress and it was fun. Now I have seen kids arrive in helicopters, bikes and on horses and in limos! So much pressure on them. I'm not surprised some don't want to attend.

I would let him be.

spiderlight · 09/07/2024 13:52

Good for him! Hopefully he'll love it. Mine couldn't get away from school fast enough. He's doing a specialist nerdy subject at a very small campus and has made some great new like-minded friends.

Freysimo · 09/07/2024 13:54

It's a horrible, competitive import from the US. Thank God it wasn't happening in May day. Your son sounds sensible.

Original poster
Jennywren8 · 09/07/2024 14:03

I just read the Holland poem and it definitely summarises how I am feeling, I must admit to a little sniffle or two

OP posts:
Sweetcheesecake · 09/07/2024 14:09

Hopebridge · 09/07/2024 13:50

It's been made so flashy now. It was so much easier before. I remember going on a school coach. I wore a nice dress and it was fun. Now I have seen kids arrive in helicopters, bikes and on horses and in limos! So much pressure on them. I'm not surprised some don't want to attend.

I would let him be.

Going to prom in a Helicopter?! 😱 Do kids really do that?
Im so glad proms and social media weren’t a thing when I was a teenager.