I've messed up and need help to make it right

[mehtivation]

Lost my shit with DD 14 about an hour ago. Been worried ages about her health, specifically weight - junk food and inactivity are the problem. I have not commented on her weight, appearance or size, but more about getting good nutrition and enough exercise. I tell her she's beautiful (she is!) every day. She is about a size 18 at 5 foot 7 and nearly 15 (year 10). I cook decent meals most days and have tried to avoid a feast/famine approach to "treat food". However she has a job in a shop and babysits so earns a fair amount and I can't stop her buying crap at the shop on the way to/from school. I am struggling with hormones and have gained weight recently too - am a biggish size 12/14, for context. My older son is a gym buff. I exercise and always ask her to come for a walk. She refuses. Short of going in her room and beginning an actual fist fight with her (obv not going to) I don't know how I can get her to move.

Anyway. Today she got up after 11 (when I went out with DS2 so not sure when exactly she surfaced) and made a bacon sandwich. Was lying on sofa when I got in about 12.45. Went upstairs shortly after. At 4.20 it stopped raining and I suggested she went out on the errand she said she was going to do at her dad's about 20 minute walk away. Ignored me. Went up at 5.20 and she was in bed. Said she was getting up then. Was annoyed and I said she'd have to go to Dad's after dinner. At 6.15 sent the brother to get her for dinner. Turned up in kitchen in pjs at 6.25.

Lost my fucking shit. I know I have been an absolute bitch so please don't tell me that. I know. I said she was going to end up like the fat people you see on mobility scooters because she's going to make herself too ill to get about. She's a tendency to EBSA and I said to her that if she thought I'd support her into her 20s because she couldn't work because she's too lazy and made herself ill through inactivity then she'd another think coming. Said no meals beyond breakfast would be given to her if she wasn't washed or dressed. I know this was awful, ableist and wrong. But I am at the end of my tether watching my beautiful clever funny girl get fatter and unhealthier by the day. Her big brother had a school leavers' dance the other week and I know she's looking forward to her prom next year but she's already so self conscious about weight I'm dreading the idea of trying to find her a dress that will fit and she won't hate the sight of herself in. Clothes shopping for normal clothes is a fucking nightmare and she basically wears ugly polyester jumpers over school leggings every day.

How the fuck can I help her?

She went upstairs, no dinner and locked herself in the bathroom. I apologised through the door for upsetting her and said I should've found a better way to communicate my anxiety over her health

A little kid shouted "fat" at her in the park the other week and she said it made her decide to go on a "health arc". But she is still utterly inactive and I am beside myself.

A friend of a friend lost their son aged 20ish in lockdown through DVT because he didn't move for months and I'm so afraid for her

Wow. Ok.
you need to apologise profusely and tell her your own anxieties over your friends son and your own insecurities made you act towards her in a way that is completely inapppropriate, and frankly unloving and unkind.

your comments don’t really show you necessarily feel this? She sounds either like she’s absorbed some of the anti fat shaming rhetoric which ignores health (fat shaming is wrong but some influencers promote unhealthy bodies) OR she’s stuck in a really difficult time when she hates her body and she’s not sure what to do and has some bad habits which are hard to break.

you are supposed to have her back with this stuff,‘not verbalise all the nasty stuff she probably tells herself all the time

if you can get her to listen to a genuine apology tell her you’d love to help her develop some good habits because you want her to have a happy healthy life and it feels like she’s not quite going the right way at the moment. Are there any activities she enjoys? Can she do some cooking with you?

impprtantly make it about health (and not just bmi either but genuinely ask her how it feels to move around. Is she comfortable? Does she get out of breath! Would she like to be strong?) don’t make it about dress size bollocks

im one of four girls, all slim in our teens but very different weights as adults - and we’ve all been different at different times. Love and support is a much better tool to help her than punitive measures surrounding food.

Sorry if it came across like I don't love and support her. I do. All the things you suggest, I have done. A lot. And she ignores me.

She's a good cook. She just buys junk with money she's earned and barely moves. She doesn't like sport and never really has. She's not old enough to join a gym yet. I constantly tell her I love her and frame it around health and not weight or appearance. It makes no difference to her behaviour and she has been like this for well over a year, hence losing my rag today in utter panic over her future

She will remember that forever you know. How her mum called her fat and basically useless. Well done

Did you read where I said I know how awful I've been? Unless you have advice can you take your perfect self off somewhere else please

It’s not great written down but it might give her the shock she needs tbh

It's sounds very difficult. I would have lost my shit too. I wonder if making some plans to do stuff together might help. I do think she should be up and dressed every morning. Is she into nature/animals you can rent a dog to walk?

She is old enough to join a gym. My daughter is the same age and has had a gym membership for a year.

I think what's not written down is the bit where I spent at least 18 months trying gently to get her to move and asking her to limit the ultraprocessed snacks. So yeah, I get how awful it sounds but I didn't just yell at her that she's fat and useless out of the blue. I didn't even say she's fat or useless, I said I'm so scared that she will render herself disabled when in actual fact she has no underlying reason to be in poor health

You love her and after months (years?) of ‘gently gently’ you snapped. I don’t blame you. My parents had several such outbursts at me - looking back it came from the right place and frankly I needed to hear it.

No gyms will take them under 16 here except a LA one with limited hours, most of which clash with her work, and is 40 minutes walk away. And costs £30

I can understand how you got so frustrated. Ignore the pp who basically ignored you saying you know you were wrong.

She does need to lose weight. And as a parent, seeing your young child like the if upsetting.

Just let her know again that you love and support her and would like to help, as she has said she not happy with her weight. Let her know you will always love her, regardless, but you're very worried about her health.

I know you feel bad about it OP, but sometimes people just need tough love. You said what needed to be said.

What I would do is sign her upto the gym using her own money and say either you go or I'm not taking you to x,y,z. Also set up a cleaning rota so she's doing chores that will have her moving around abit more. She's stuck In the cycle now. She will be getting bullied and comfort eat. How's her school life? I'd consider getting the school involved, if there is bullying you tell them she's comfort eating and it's affecting her health. Visit the GP aswell to see what help can be offered there before she gets diabetes and ask for tests to see if there is any underlying cause for the weight gain.

She needed a kick up the arse and you gave it to her. Don't beat yourself up, you didn't even say anything wrong.

Thanks for kinder responses. School is a bit shit for her. Attendance is 88%. She struggles with periods and mental health. I have been proactive: she has meds for periods (tranexamic and anti-nausea). School have been supportive and organised counselling for the EBSA which she did engage with. She has some nice friends (bestie also quite heavy). Sometimes I wonder if she might have ADHD - she's untidy and disorganised and will not shower regularly unless forcibly reminded. She's a phone addict and had limits when she was younger but not now. I'd love to get the fucking thing off her but it's just another unhealthy habit she refuses to stop.

Apologise and reset.
You're worried and it's come out a bit horrible.
My DD uses an app called Finch. You set goals around wellbeing and activity - her friends are on it too and it's fun and light-hearted but does encourage a bit more activity and eating/drinking choices.

I found like I'm so down on her but she's been brave and pushed through for things like a foreign exchange (didn't go brilliant it she did it) and duke of Edinburgh (ditto - the walk was hard due to lack of fitness). She found her job herself and has stuck with it and I'm very proud of her.

I will check that out; thank you

I'd force her to excersize OP (I know that's easier said than done with teens) I'd take the phone until she's done x,y and z. It's hard and she will kick off and absolutely melt down and you will have to deal with that but she will really quickly realise she needs to do this stuff to have the phone etc and she will thank you when she's older. What I'd also do is either get bikes or go for long walks together. Encourage her to write down upsetting events in a diary so that she has an outlet. I'd definitely be involving health services to get her on a healthier path, and deal with the food addiction

Once the dust has settled go to DD and tell her all of the reasons that you are proud of her.
Put discussions about her weight and health on the back burner for a little bit and concentrate on what she’s good at and all of the qualities you love about her.
She will already know from looking at the Insta model brigade that she’s heavy. At some point, some girls get so low they just keep eating because the perfect look is so out of reach it’s impossible.
As a mum, maybe bring up in a while that you are a bit worried about your own weight, that you feel a bit stuck and don’t fancy going to classes full of size 8/10 ladies. That it would be really nice if she could help you out and go on a few walks with you and keep you company, by starting off slow. Build in a few rewards and treats and by that I mean maybe getting nails done.
You have not failed as a mum, you’ve lost your temper and you are human.
But face tomorrow with fresh eyes and let your DD know you love her and go from there.

That's harsh! She didn't say that at all and when a situation needs addressing after all the gentle touch stuff hasn't work then some sharp reality is needed. Coddling and enabling won't help, DD will continue to spiral downwards in a bubble because she can just stay in bed, eat fast food etc.

This is the approach I had with DD. Instead of making demands/ forcing we discussed what advice she would give a friend in the same situation and how she would help them. Also show her a way forward. I had issues with weight and didn't want to join a gym. I took up walking and DD sees this and often joins me. Yes, we do drive to the parks but then go for long walks, chat, listen to music and often go for something healthy to eat afterwards and the fact that I enjoy the walks. Try do something together and enjoy.
And yes, we too have often had harsh words but a genuine apology goes a long way and I've learnt and not repeated. All the best

I think a heart to heart apology…. But then before suggesting any more tactics ask her how she feels, what she fears, where does she get the strength to find her job, push through with DoE. Ask how she felt and what she thinks when a kid shouts fat, just ask her to tell you about herself. Ask her if there is something about herself and how she feels that she thinks you don’t know. and whatever she says or talks about, just listen.

Your own concerns are valid, of course they are. And with or without any issues, it is quite rude to come to meals you have cooked in her PJs.

But without knowing the root cause of her less healthy eating it’s just more pressure and reason to hate herself to suggest random solutions.

Is she comfort eating? Does she have difficulty with impulse control? Does she actually want to be big as she sees it as a way to protect her from unwanted sexual attention? Is it rooted in lack of self love…. etc.

Good luck OP.

I have ADHD and struggle with weight, always have and always will. I also emotional eating but that's a whole other post but worth your consideration. Even when I was a teen I went one extreme to other. The best thing I did was book into a boot camp. It was only 3 times a week but it kick-started me on the right path as you are making a decision each day to exercise it's already booked and paid for and time slotted into your day. You need to talk to her about being genuinely worried about her health and it's not about being fat phobic