I've messed up and need help to make it right

[mehtivation]

Lost my shit with DD 14 about an hour ago. Been worried ages about her health, specifically weight - junk food and inactivity are the problem. I have not commented on her weight, appearance or size, but more about getting good nutrition and enough exercise. I tell her she's beautiful (she is!) every day. She is about a size 18 at 5 foot 7 and nearly 15 (year 10). I cook decent meals most days and have tried to avoid a feast/famine approach to "treat food". However she has a job in a shop and babysits so earns a fair amount and I can't stop her buying crap at the shop on the way to/from school. I am struggling with hormones and have gained weight recently too - am a biggish size 12/14, for context. My older son is a gym buff. I exercise and always ask her to come for a walk. She refuses. Short of going in her room and beginning an actual fist fight with her (obv not going to) I don't know how I can get her to move.

Anyway. Today she got up after 11 (when I went out with DS2 so not sure when exactly she surfaced) and made a bacon sandwich. Was lying on sofa when I got in about 12.45. Went upstairs shortly after. At 4.20 it stopped raining and I suggested she went out on the errand she said she was going to do at her dad's about 20 minute walk away. Ignored me. Went up at 5.20 and she was in bed. Said she was getting up then. Was annoyed and I said she'd have to go to Dad's after dinner. At 6.15 sent the brother to get her for dinner. Turned up in kitchen in pjs at 6.25.

Lost my fucking shit. I know I have been an absolute bitch so please don't tell me that. I know. I said she was going to end up like the fat people you see on mobility scooters because she's going to make herself too ill to get about. She's a tendency to EBSA and I said to her that if she thought I'd support her into her 20s because she couldn't work because she's too lazy and made herself ill through inactivity then she'd another think coming. Said no meals beyond breakfast would be given to her if she wasn't washed or dressed. I know this was awful, ableist and wrong. But I am at the end of my tether watching my beautiful clever funny girl get fatter and unhealthier by the day. Her big brother had a school leavers' dance the other week and I know she's looking forward to her prom next year but she's already so self conscious about weight I'm dreading the idea of trying to find her a dress that will fit and she won't hate the sight of herself in. Clothes shopping for normal clothes is a fucking nightmare and she basically wears ugly polyester jumpers over school leggings every day.

How the fuck can I help her?

My initial thoughts are that she is obviously consuming a lot of calories a day. So the obvious solution is to not buy in anything too calorific (although I'm sure you're doing that already) but things like bacon, white bread, crisps, fizzy drinks, biscuits etc are all going to pile the weight on. So buying lower fat/calorie snacks will help this or having more crudités and fruit easily available, hard boiled eggs, crackers, cream cheese, yogurt etc.
Also maybe look into getting her a blood test, either to check hormone levels, iron or thyroid. Just to rule them out.

Don't beat yourself up, you are giving a shit about your daughters health and well being. Just don't panic, it won't happen overnight, so you might need to try certain things to see what sticks.
Not sure what your financial situation is, but I've seen fold away exercise bikes and rowing machines. You could both start a routine of doing half an hour every day and emphasise that it will prevent her getting blood clots which is what you are most worried about.

I completely agree with this.

I am also appalled at the OPs generalisation and completely ableist comment about mobility scooter users.

There are many reasons as to why people need to use them and a whole host of reasons as to why some mobility scooter users may be overweight or fat the same as people who don't use them are.

A huge leap to make from your daughter having a chilled out day and clearly no empathy for others.

Wow, that's vile.

Please ignore this, OP- you've been completely honest on here, you wish you hadn't said what you did but you're human and beside yourself with worry (especially in lieu of your friend's son)- it's completely understandable. It's awful feeling powerless with your kids' actions.
Looks like there are some good, supportive comments on here- I hope they help you.

I think being fat isn't the issue...its that she's far too sedentary for a teenager

Encouraging her to go with you on a walk is a good idea. Maybe she can br persuaded to join a gym? You could go together

It certainly seems like she's depressed...it's a viscous circle that needs to be broken

@BustyCrustacean

Agree! Sometimes tough love is needed../next time you will be gentler but we all make mistakes...especially with parenting

I think focusing on her health and weight is misguided. It sounds like the real issue is her mental health and emotional wellbeing. If she is feeling depressed/ low/ worthless she is not going to have the emotional energy or resolve to overhaul her diet and exercise.

Perhaps look at some counselling or support for her. Introduce mindfulness or things like journalling to help her explore her mental wellbeing. Then when she is in a better place emotionally she may be more ready and able to treat her body more kindly

I don't know why no one believes me about the gym. There is one local gym that takes under 16s. It's a 40 minute walk and the juniors sessions are Saturdays and some weekdays 4-5pm, which is when she is at work. I'm not going to insist she gives up her job in favour of a gym she would likely not go to.

I also don't think she's being bullied. One kid (aged about 8 she said) she doesn't know shouted fat at her in the park.

I don't have junk in the house. She has money and passes a shop on the 5 min walk to school

I'm tired of this thread now. Thanks to kind posters and for constructive advice

her attendance is 88%?

there is a lot to worry about

what about friends?

how often is her job? does she stick with that?

how close is she to her brother?

could he encourage her

how odd to bring up this example

your daughter attends school (albeit 88% attendance)
she works in a shop
she babysits

Shes hardly not moving and at risk of DVT

how does she get to school?

Can you not sense the op's upset and regret?
She's at the end of her tether and I'd be exactly the same

I read a book recently (will check title) about girls and the importance of finding their 'spark' which could be an interest or passion.
My DD although younger than your DD, would happily watch videos, eat crap all day, however she found a sport she loves (lots of trial and error) and that's a huge distraction, interest and activity which physically and mentally challenges her. She will still happily eat crap, but at least she's moving more.

unfortunately, junk food is easily available these days, I hate it, kids getting frappachinos plus a cake as normal practice....plus a mcds on the way home. You see so many overweight teens about and it's really hard to lure them aware from greggs, dominoes etc.

I completely agree with this. A passion is a game changer for a teen