You sound like a very good mum to me op. Many of us have been driven to exasperation by our teens!
The only thing I would say, from having been through the teen years with two dds, is that we adults sometimes forget or underestimate the whole shed load of worry, insecurity and self-hatred going on in their heads, and she will know that she is heavy and unfit and hate herself for it. She probably gets comments at school too and having to face that sort of bullying every day is hard.
My advice would be to re-engage with the mh aspect of this. Try again to get her to engage with the school counsellor . But many teens hate the idea of their classmates knowing that they are seeing someone.
It’s really costly but we found that a private psychologist did the world of good for one of our dds, but you have to be patient finding the right fit. She went to a single trial session with two others and hated them on sight! Thankfully she clicked with the third one and she saw her for a year.
For the rest I think many teen girls go through a very painful (for parents and teens alike) phase where they withdraw in to themselves, don’t communicate as much, become a bit morose and low energy.
It’s part of the normal process of becoming a separate individual; and it’s a phase of “statis” while they process what went on before and work out who they are and who they want to be in future. My aunt used to call it “pupating” 😀 before the butterfly emerges. And they sometimes need to try on a few different sets of wings before they hit on the right one.
And let’s face it. Being fifteen is so hard. They are at the peak age for knowing more about life and society and wanting to get to grips with it all, and not yet having the skills, power, or autonomy, in order to do that.
It’s agony for them, agony for us, but just by being there alongside er, and loving her , you are doing more than you think. So don’t panic, this is a five year process!
And you are doing so many of the right things op. You’ve taught her to cook well, you’ve facilitated DofE and some of the best help we can give teens is setting an example and modelling how we manage phone use, work time, leisure time, exercise time etc. she will be watching and taking it all in.
Also, our society doesn’t help by disempowering teens I think. They are told what to do all day at school, and how to conform to so many rules, but there isn’t similar emphasis on developing independent thought and action. Add in lots of phone time to that and our young people end up living far too much in their heads and not in reality.
In your shoes op, I would give her some space now and buy her a bunch of flowers and put them in her bedroom with a card saying, “I’m really sorry I got cross, it was wrong of me, I love you and sometimes my fears gets the better of me. You are intelligent and strong and I know you can work out what is best for you and put it in to action” and leave it at that for now. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but step back a bit and give her the space work out what she needs to do. Things like tracking her on her phone erode trust and disempower her imho.
And later, when things have cooled down, suggest private counselling perhaps?
Good luck op. Try not to let your worry for her get in the way of your relationship 💐