I've messed up and need help to make it right

[mehtivation]

Lost my shit with DD 14 about an hour ago. Been worried ages about her health, specifically weight - junk food and inactivity are the problem. I have not commented on her weight, appearance or size, but more about getting good nutrition and enough exercise. I tell her she's beautiful (she is!) every day. She is about a size 18 at 5 foot 7 and nearly 15 (year 10). I cook decent meals most days and have tried to avoid a feast/famine approach to "treat food". However she has a job in a shop and babysits so earns a fair amount and I can't stop her buying crap at the shop on the way to/from school. I am struggling with hormones and have gained weight recently too - am a biggish size 12/14, for context. My older son is a gym buff. I exercise and always ask her to come for a walk. She refuses. Short of going in her room and beginning an actual fist fight with her (obv not going to) I don't know how I can get her to move.

Anyway. Today she got up after 11 (when I went out with DS2 so not sure when exactly she surfaced) and made a bacon sandwich. Was lying on sofa when I got in about 12.45. Went upstairs shortly after. At 4.20 it stopped raining and I suggested she went out on the errand she said she was going to do at her dad's about 20 minute walk away. Ignored me. Went up at 5.20 and she was in bed. Said she was getting up then. Was annoyed and I said she'd have to go to Dad's after dinner. At 6.15 sent the brother to get her for dinner. Turned up in kitchen in pjs at 6.25.

Lost my fucking shit. I know I have been an absolute bitch so please don't tell me that. I know. I said she was going to end up like the fat people you see on mobility scooters because she's going to make herself too ill to get about. She's a tendency to EBSA and I said to her that if she thought I'd support her into her 20s because she couldn't work because she's too lazy and made herself ill through inactivity then she'd another think coming. Said no meals beyond breakfast would be given to her if she wasn't washed or dressed. I know this was awful, ableist and wrong. But I am at the end of my tether watching my beautiful clever funny girl get fatter and unhealthier by the day. Her big brother had a school leavers' dance the other week and I know she's looking forward to her prom next year but she's already so self conscious about weight I'm dreading the idea of trying to find her a dress that will fit and she won't hate the sight of herself in. Clothes shopping for normal clothes is a fucking nightmare and she basically wears ugly polyester jumpers over school leggings every day.

How the fuck can I help her?

She's got up and is in the shower without any intervention from me. This is unheard of; if she showers it's generally in the evening. Based on the contents of the kitchen bin she stayed up late clearing out her room (I went to bed about 10, exhausted and sad)

I now wonder if what I said had a galvanising effect. If it has, I'm not going to take this as a green light to tough love/bitch at her. I'm still so horrified by how my fear and frustration made me speak to her.

I really really don't care about size. I mentioned her dress size because I know that and to give context to the scale of the issue. I have no idea how much she weighs and don't ask or expect her to weigh herself. I play down food talk except to tell her now and then she's filling up on stuff without nutrition- Pringles and Doritos are not the same as roast potatoes or a wrap, are they? I don't want to encourage food obsession. I am terrified that her inactivity is going to make her ill. A friend's friend lost her son to DVT because of inactivity. My own mum died at 70 after years of ill health. She never walked further than house to car, car to shop. I want DD to move her body because a sedentary life is absolutely disastrous for her future health. I genuinely don't care if she is chubby or fat or whatever. It's the inactivity (and also lack of proper food but mostly inactivity) that scares me.

I might look into private diagnosis. No one would refer as behaviour and grades at school are fine despite low attendance and even if they did, in this county that gets sued multiple times a week over sen issues she'd wait years for an appointment

I would try again today to clear the air
Thank her profusely for cleaning up her room and just explain what you've said here about your friends son and your mum and how scared that makes you feel
See if there is an opening for you to make a plan together on this

Have another look at gyms, at our local one they can join from 11. The only thing they can't do is any health suite stuff, the actual gym, pool, classes etc are open to them after an induction.

what do you put you being overweight down to op?

I wouldnt thank her profusely for cleaning up her own room. She’s 15- that’s expected

you’re doing everything you can op. You have apologised for how you reacted but she needs to put effort in too. Hopefully she will come to that realisation soon

on another thread you say

I've been guilty of bingeing, restricting and overeating in the past

has your daughter been aware of this?

Have you been that child? The person who wrote this excellent response has. I have. Her reply is spot on. This is a mh issue not a physical health issues and your advice, whilst well meaning, will not work.

and o. the other thread you’re struggling to fit in to size 16 clothing

OP i think you have your own issue around your weight and your understandably frantic about your daughter experiencing the same

Well I was a fat teenager and part of the problem was I knew nothing about how bodies work and the impact of over eating/secret snacking. My parents never gave us processed food but they gave me too much (same as my very active brothers) and also banned processed food so when I got my own money I bought it myself.
If my mother had kindly and gently explained that I was gaining weight because I was eating too much to fuel my body I would have had an idea how to address it. I was over focused on exercise (like most people in this thread) and thought that if I did sit ups in my bedroom I would lose weight. Instead of being given non judgemental information about my body I got silent disapproval and too much dinner.

OP I feel for you I really do. Does your DD actually understand why she's gaining weight? Does she understand the impact of fat on hormones and appetite? What about gut microbiome and mental health? There is so much you could discuss in a non judgemental, factual way. And stop bothering her to go to the gym, it will make no difference to her weight.

thanking her “profusely” for tidying her room is unnecessary

but if your parents never bought processed food and banned it in the house, genuine question but surely this was their way of telling you that it wasn’t good for you?

I feel for you OP

If you're close in age to me, we grew in a more fatist society

Nowadays kids are more overweight than ever and are a kinder generation who doesn't seek to shame people over appearance

It's an adjustment for us and you cracked

Nothing being said to me as a kid, not understanding how bodies work, drinking and overeating in my 20s when I started earning. Comfort eating. I don't want her to be like me

I was a size 16 a few months ago through illness and shit habits. I'm now a 12/14 through making a concerted effort and a change in meds

Stop using anxiety and stop putting your issues onto her, and no saying someone is beautiful is not the answer.

Step back and stop helping it is not actually helping anything

Leave her alone

We are a generation of parents trying to do it differently to our own. It's so hard. I know I have it easy with my DS who takes after the men in my family with his build and sportiness but I have to encourage him to eat more as he just doesn't eat enough for his activity level. He started puberty really quite late and I was terrified he wasn't eating enough and that he would miss his chance! Thankfully he did listen (more to friends and insta influencers than me but still) and made a real effort to eat more and lo and behold his voice broke and he shot up. Even he got upset with me though for making him self conscious about being skinny 🤷🏼‍♀️ even though I never used that word. I did get really frustrated with him though when he would unpack half his lunch all squashed at the end of the day because he was too busy playing football at lunch time to eat.

@tomketchup I haven't banned but instead have limited junk. I don't want it to become alluring. I also didn't really understand how bad it was until last few years (van tulleken podcast). My parents didn't allow me branded trainers as a kid; doesn't mean they're bad - just increased the appeal.

Can you stop analysing me and searching my posts? It's creepy and unhelpful

How the fuck can I help her

I think you’re the one that needs help @mehtivation

Get support for your own issues around weight and stop projecting onto your daughter.

and i think that desperation is very clear to her op

i’m wasn’t responding to you

quite clearly i was referring (and indeed quoted them) to another poster

Could she be depressed? It might be worth addressing the root cause of her low motivation to get up and dressed for the day

but it’s very relevant
you have suffered from overeating and binging in the past
that is relevant