I can't deal with how lazy my 17 year old is

[tiredmummy333]

So my daughter is 17 and is very lazy.

She has no motivation to do anything, to get her to even wash some dishes or clean up after herself is an argument. She won't clean her room.

She wakes up in the morning and lies down on her phone or watching tv.

If I don't cook for her she won't cook or will eat oven food or pasta. Sometimes she won't bother eating as she doesn't want to wash up after herself.

I have absolutely had enough! I know the summer holidays are going to be her lying around doing nothing while I have to work, cook and clean. I know we are going to argue a lot.

I have spoke with her and said let's do a trial for one week in the holidays where she does things I ask around the house and I will pay her. She said she doesn't know if she will be able to stick to it because she just hates doing stuff.

I feel like there is no way to make her more productive and it stresses me out so much.

I'm sick of her using the bathroom and leaving it for me to clean etc.

Any advice?

Up to a point this is normal for teens.

Is she still in education or is she working?

I'd suggest ignoring her bedroom.

You don't need to cook for her and if you are physically at work while she is at home for six weeks then she'll need to get her own breakfast and lunch anyway.

She is in sixth form and doesn't have a part time job. She has applied to a lot of places online but I've told her to go out and walk into places to try to get a job, she tried it a couple of times but isn't keen on doing it.

It's just so frustrating having her hanging around doing absolutely nothing and if I ask for any help she gets in a mood.

Typical teenager! I stopped my DS's pocket money so he soon went and found a job. Harsh but it worked.

Normal I’m afraid. My son is 20 and is still somewhat like this. Put ur foot down and she how they respond.

Sounds like a teenager. Her room her responsibility. What's wrong with pasta?

How about if you cook for each other?

Theres something very tedious about cooking for one. I hated it.

Cant you take it in turns?

Ah OP that is frustrating. Personally I don’t think it is normal or acceptable for teens to do nothing. You need to sit her down and talk about it. That would put me mental if I was at work all day and a 17 year old was lying on her arse watching her phone. She needs to learn life skills. Could she be depressed ??
So my normal in the summer months is:
17 year old has two jobs and she gets paid to do full house clean of our own house in the summer months. (Total of 20 hours working a week) Then she is flying about with her friends the rest of the time. She likes working and loves the cash. sometimes she tells me off for not cleaning up after myself🙈🤣
I am not saying that to make her out to be fab, it is just honest and I was surprised at all the posts about it being normal for teens to do nothing. I have always told the kids that our home is a working ship, and not a cruise liner there are no guest passengers who get to do nothing.

With mine if I'm working a long shift and they are home in the day I'll leave them something nice but ingredient form so they do eventually get hungry and cook it.

I think most teenagers are quite lazy.

I'd take the router to work and reduce her phone contract to the lowest data allowed. She can have it back she's helping out.
I disagree with it's what teenagers do, I don't allow mine to do it and everyone is happier because of it

Is this a new attitude or has she always been reluctant to do chores?

The cooking or lack of it wouldn't bother me. It's up to her if she goes hungry.
The same with washing her clothes or tidying her room. It's her choice to not have clean clothes or a tidy room.

I expect communal rooms to be kept tidy though. I have four DC and while they might not always enjoy it if they're asked to do something they will do it.
If she's not motivated by money you need to find something she will be motivated by, do you pay for her phone contract for example? Maybe you'll have to cancel it to pay for a cleaner if she's not going to pull her weight.

At this age, mine would eat whatever they could put in a tortilla wrap if I didn't cook. Or something quick and easy like scrambled eggs or supernoodles! They only cleared up the kitchen when nagged 🙄 it's annoying but it is an age/stage thing so try not to stress about it too much. It's only a few weeks off school so let her chill out a bit. She probably won't get up before lunchtime anyway and be up half the night 😂

I would personally be taking her for some blood tests to check for low iron, possibly thyroid too if she hasn't had any recently and making sure she is taking a vitamin d supplement. Is she tired too or just de-motivated?

I would say you are worried about her, get bloods done to rule.out anything and say you won't pay for her phone anymore as you are worried it is making her lazy. Give her 2 weeks to change and then stop the contract.

My advice will shock you. I was you 18 years ago. My daughter was Lazy, annoying. She has a kind heart but seemed annoying to me. Now??????? I hardly ever see her , she met a nice boy at College after her Lazy summer with me, after that I hardly ever saw her. Because I downsized our house, she moved out. Life moved on , but, sometimes I wish I could go back to that annoying last Summer where there was more than a blanc wall to argue with. Cherish this Lazy Summer. I was thinking today of a work colleague years ago who lost a teen to a tragic accident where she ran after her dog into the road and perished. Her eldest daughter. 😓

Time debt, for every task she refuses to do or leaves for you to do that she should do herself, take some time away from her on her mobile/TV whatever she's using that you can gain control over. If she's going to waste your free time you will waste hers. Or charge her if she has pocket money

My 17yo can be a bit like this at home, sleeps all the time, really random eating schedule, messy etc. I think it’s fairly normal.

She’s in her final year of school and she has a really good part time job, bought her own car, pays her own petrol, phone etc. so I do cut her a lot of slack.

Absolutely not the 'norm' in our family and we had 8 children between us.

Every one had a part time job. Some had two. They all liked travel and going to festivals which doesn't come cheap so they had no other option.

Do you give her money ? Pay a phone contract ?
I would certainly be stopping that. She can earn that for herself as a minimum. If you don't then you are just enabling her laziness.

My DD17’s room was an absolute disgrace until a couple of days ago. I just kept the door closed and occasionally asked for plates/glasses back when we were running low. She is having a party for her 18th and I mentioned her friends would probably want to see her room so she tidied it up!

Is it just the two of you at home? We are a family of four and we make dinner every night so it’s not really extra work to cook for DD. There’s always dinner available if she wants it. If not DS16 will happily devour it.

She has two PT jobs, plays sport and works hard at school so I cut her some/a lot of slack. She’s got a good work ethic, just doesn’t allocate time to cleaning which, let’s face it is very boring! I was the same when I was young and I worked it out.

Change the Wi-Fi password and throw out any crap she leaves lying around. Close her bedroom door. She can cook and do her own laundry.

I've never tolerated messy rooms. Put your stuff in the washing basket, clean your room occasionally. No dirty poses allowed.
Once your schoolwork and jobs are done you're free to lounge around as much as you like.

Maybe your GP has more pressing cases to see to!

Perfectly normal.
Her room is her responsibility, leave her to it. Her diet is her responsibility, oven food and pasta are perfectly acceptable.

Nobody walks round shops looking for jobs any more, how old are you? All job applications are done online.

Honestly, being badgered about pointless things will only be draining her. She's in full time education, it's not like she's dossing all day every day. The only things I'd be complaining about is her leaving her rubbish/pots laying around in communal areas.

Sounds like a typical teenager to me. My ds has finished gcses and currently sleeps until lunchtime. Thing is, I can remember doing exactly the same.

Then he bums around and eats constantly. Is still as skinny as a french bean.

I've enrolled mine in a pool lifeguard course later in the summer. The pool will offer him a job lifeguarding afterwards which will give him free access to a gym, and a bit of extra pocket money.

Expecting him to look for a job on his own was never going to work, he doesn't have that resourcefulness yet.

I'd limit her pocket money, point out job ads when you see them - cafes and bars, cleaning etc. Then leave her to it.

Not sure why people are rushing to call this normal. If you keep a clean home why would you allow someone to have one room that's a pit? It's lazy and at 17 she should have a lot more life skills as she could be living independently very soon.

Parents who allow this sort of thing do their children no favours. So many adults (men and women) are incapable of cooking, cleaning or keeping a house and it's because their parents allowed them to be lazy slobs at home excusing it as "normal". They end up living in squalor and spending a fortune on takeaway or ready meals.

All teens go through a phase when their bones have out matured their muscles.

This mean joints solidify, bones become more dense, hands and feet get bigger and heavier.

it takes a lot more energy to move this adult body, and immature muscles can't cope. As a result, teens have a smaller range of movement in their joints than younger children, and use up far more energy to make each movement. Once their muscles catch up, they become a lot more energetic again

Something else you need to consider is our biological roles in prehistoric life. Throughout the human lifespan, we have different circadian rhythms. A prehistoric tribe would have needed someone awake and alert around the clock. Teens generally took the night shift. And are still programmed to do so

The best thing you can do for your teen is sympathise, warn about the tiring effect of too much time on the phone, and explain to them that this phase will pass, and they will feel differently soon, and encourage them to build up muscles strength