I can't deal with how lazy my 17 year old is

[tiredmummy333]

So my daughter is 17 and is very lazy.

She has no motivation to do anything, to get her to even wash some dishes or clean up after herself is an argument. She won't clean her room.

She wakes up in the morning and lies down on her phone or watching tv.

If I don't cook for her she won't cook or will eat oven food or pasta. Sometimes she won't bother eating as she doesn't want to wash up after herself.

I have absolutely had enough! I know the summer holidays are going to be her lying around doing nothing while I have to work, cook and clean. I know we are going to argue a lot.

I have spoke with her and said let's do a trial for one week in the holidays where she does things I ask around the house and I will pay her. She said she doesn't know if she will be able to stick to it because she just hates doing stuff.

I feel like there is no way to make her more productive and it stresses me out so much.

I'm sick of her using the bathroom and leaving it for me to clean etc.

Any advice?

I make mine do one job a day. I’m consistent with it and don’t let them off unless they’ve got a really busy day and no time to do it or it’s exam time. So one of mine always close away after dinner, with help from an adult the other one always unload the dishwasher. in addition they have to keep their rooms relatively tidy and make sure their dirty washing is either in front of the washing machine or in the washing basket. If they don’t do these things, then they don’t get their allowance..

@Nottherealslimshady Aren't you lovely ? My daughter who is 18 has got several part time jobs walking into small shops and cafes - one quite recently (think frozen food shop)but don't let your nasty ageism stop you ! Vile ! Op my 18 year old can be like this as well. She will could for herself but her bedroom is a tip. Think "floordrobe" and I get really pissed off at when I come in to the kitchen like a bombsite. She will make lovely cakes but isn't very good at clearing up herself and there's flour all over the place so I have cracked diwn on that . She has had a part time job since she was 15 , so I do think you need to be a bit tougher on your DD in this respect . It is hard for them as some places won't take under 18s and if you don't live in a big town or city ,it is difficult. Try hairdressers(they employ youngsters to sweep up hair and stuff- wages awful) ,small businesses more likely to take them on . Burger King employed my daughter at 16 . Make a rota and be firm. Also get her bloods checked. My daughter used to comolain of being knacked all the time and she was anaemic due to wonky periods. Good luck! It's a nightmare . I was putting my da's dinner out at 14 when my mum was going out to clean at night.

*cook sorry bad eyes

It’s insane people are saying this is normal or acceptable. She is rude and entitled. If you are giving her any money that should stop immediately to motivate her to get a job. For gods sake don’t pay her to pull her weight in the house. She needs a massive reality check. I despair for the next generation if parents are letting their teens behave like this

Do not start paying her for things she should be doing as a normal part of a family, thats the worst idea. However her behaviour is normal for a 17 year old, you need to change your mindset and not let it bother you so much. Leave her to her own filth . Dont cook for her unless you are doing the family meal, dont do her washing and dont tidy her room, as long as you do these things for her she wont do then herself,constant arguing is not good for anyone and only leaves you upset and frustrated, ive had 5 teenagers and they have all progressed naturally past this stage and all have their own houses and families and are normal functioning adults

Anyone who has watched children who do sport will know they suffer tremendously as their height growth isn't immediately compensated by coordination and muscles !

I say this with kindness - shut up! Give the kid a break. Nagging is useless and will ruin you relationship with her. These are your hang-ups and your values you are imposing on her. Deal with them instead of transferring them to your child.

Firstly take an interest in her values. If she values down time, sleep, connecting with friends online, fine allow plenty of time for that without nagging. Encourage her to think about values around her appearance, weight and health. Does she want to be healthy and attractive? What does that look like for her and what does that involve? Does she value independence from you? What does she want that to look like? Is she working towards moving out? Does she want/need money from a job? This isn't about your daughter doing what she wants day to day, it's about your daughter being aware of what she wants her life to look like and what's important to her. Then she can see the actions she will have to take - and they are not always easy. If a value is getting on with her family than that means pulling her weight a bit, but be kind. Start with a couple of easy household jobs that are her regular responsibility. Together you can make a plan. If she wants a good job in the future it might be helpful to spend even just one afternoon a week in some sort of work. This might be voluntary work rather than paid, and the days of rocking up and asking for work have mostly gone. Encourage a bit of time online applying for roles, but don't nag her to do it EVERY time you see her on her phone.

Encourage, encourage, encourage. You do this by thanking her and showing gratitude for EVERYTHING. "Thanks for throwing that crisp packet away. Thanks for checking the back door was locked. Thanks for talking to me about this." It doesn't make children soft, it makes them more likely to show the behaviour you are looking for. Google the 5:1 ratio. For every time you feel it's necessary to criticise or nag, there should be at least 5 occasions when you were positive towards her by saying or doing things to show you are happy with her. I promise this works.

Same here!
This is not normal behaviour for a teenager.
Those are good ideas though :)

My kids would be like this given half a chance. Neither worked the summer after their GCSEs and actually got very bored and lazed around. From the first term of doing A levels they secured part time jobs. Some better than others, and my son had to take a couple of poor paying, not great jobs just to build up his CV, my daughter was lucky and got a well paying job straight away. I have always given pocket money (and continue to do so) but not very generous so they are hungry/motivated enough to want to work!
My son has come home from Uni this summer, I made it very clear he wasn't sitting around all summer, I even started applying for jobs on his behalf before he got home! He's secured a full time summer temp job, which whilst he's moaning about as long hours etc in a hotel doing split shifts, he's enjoing the money and keeps him from laying about all day and staying up half the night (as he has to be at work for 7:45 breakfast shift).
I would be pushing to apply for any/all jobs (summer jobs will be filling fast) and if can't secure a paid role undertake some volunteering to get someting on the CV.
Whilst it is important for some downtime, kids do need to learn a work ethic, it will set them up well for their future. Knockbacks are also part of the experience and building relisiance, if they get an intierview and they are unsuccessful, they've stll gained experience of the process and will be better equiped for the next interview.
Good luck!

You have my sympathies op . I have one of these too. Except she's only 13 and tbe idea there's at least 4 more years of this bullshsit to go terrifies me.

I actually started a similar thread where I was told that I too was unreasonable to expect her to put her washing in thr basket and not break everything all the time.

So I continue to live in a house replacing things that constantly get broken through laziness and carelessness because " insurance will replace it " while her dad and sister indulge the nonsense that 36 hours is not enough time to mentally prepare herself for the complicated and traumatic task of picking her knickers up off the bathroom floor despite the fact that she was walking at 11 months and has been walking to the bin/ laundry basket ( which has been in the same place for 18 years) ever since.

Taking the router away does occasionally get results as does the phone removal. Just be prepared to require a priest because the reaction is exorcism worthy.

My 14 year old niece walked into a play gym and asked if there were jobs going and got a job so that person who has posted that is not how you get a job is so wrong! 😂

You have my sympathies OP. Mine are all now in their early 20s but still inclined to behave like this when they have downtime! However two are now at uni and the other working full time, so they have grown into productive members of society!
I’d set out basic responsibilities for her: getting a part-time job, doing some simple chores around the house, maintaining a basic standard of cleanliness (that’s in terms of hygiene; the door can simply be shut on mess). She needs at least some structure and responsibility, but will still have plenty of time to chill as she pleases once her jobs are done. It’s beneficial for teens’ mental health to have (achievable) tasks to accomplish, and to earn their own money.

So many harsh comments. I’m going to say it in a different way, I’m 27 now. But the ages of 15-18 I was like this, they were also the worst years of my life. It took a long time for my mum to notice I wasn’t mentally ok, and nearly went too far. I needed psychiatric help and a year of changing of antidepressants before I finally got some energy back. Have you asked her if she’s ok? How’s sixth form? What her goals are? Does she want a job? Has she tried? Sixth form is really hard to adapt to and I dropped out without telling my mum.

she could be fine, she could just be tired. She could be ‘entitled’ or she could need her mum to notice something is wrong. Don’t wait until it’s too late to find out

She sounds a bit down.
I wanted to be very stern, but won't.
I've been married for 20 years, fortunately no children.
Many times during the day I think how my life may be one day, if I live long enough.
My own apartment, not a house, disposable dishes, sleeping, resting, writing.
Not a human being in close proximity.
It's just me and husband now, I'm 45 and not depressed.
Somehow like this since childhood.
Try not to be too harsh, I know the stupid housework gets on your nerves.

Stop asking, and start telling her that x needs doing, and she's the one to do it. If she won't, then I suggest you go on strike, and perhaps withdraw a few privileges.

Just be careful, it's not going to be forever but she might not be in the best place. If she has a friend or 2 round she'll start to clean her room, if there are no friends to come round then her wider life might be a struggle.

Let her have a safe place and just build some communication before trying to fix things, look out for insecurity and bite back your irritation a while.

40 yrs ago I was your daughter!!! I would lay in bed until 1pm and do nothing in the holidays - my mam was forever having ‘a go’ at me to do stuff for her/our family but I ‘was tired’ - I am now 57, have had 2 children, I’m mortgage free and retired at 55 so even though we are lazy cows we do shape up!!!!

Where i am, if you walk into a buisness or shop and ask for jobs you will get told to apply online. The same with if you try hand a CV in to them in person, I have personally seen them get tossed straight into a shredder when the person has left. Also alot of places now have a no under 18 rule so you may want to look into that.

I feel your pain. I never did this as a youngster. I blame screens. One of mine is like this the other is out doing sport and not lazy.
Stopped giving her money. Home from uni currently. Finally got off arse and got job but not that many hours. Just keeping her going over summer
I would be so bored living like that
Drives me bonkers

honestly you may not agree and i might get a lot of backlash for saying this but she may be struggling mentally i went through nearly the exact same a few years back i had no motivation and shut myself away because i was fed up with everything but at the same time i didnt know what and then you get so used to it , it becomes normally
im not trying to say lazy is the same as mental health issues at all and you will know her a lot better than i do but just an idea :)
hope you get some help around the house soon

Hopefully this is a phase OP. I wouldn't have bothered cooking for myself at 17 either, and also went through a phase of not washing (clothes or self!), driving my mum mad. It wasn't (as a PP has suggested) because my parents were a soft touch - it was me basically being a bit low in confidence and, yeah, lazy.
It changed over the next few years, particularly after I went to uni.
Easy for an outsider to say, but your obvious (and understandable) stress might be making her feel a bit scrutinised, which could be exacerbating rather than alleviating the problem.

It’s normal at this age mine was like this, I washed her clothes badly and she started doing that herself 😂 I went in her room to clean it regularly and she prioritised her privacy and started keeping on top of it.. she likes her nice food so in time started learning to cook herself eventually etc.

the more you nag the more it becomes a thing…she spent most time in her room so I never got on her back about general house work etc.

she now keeps her room relatively tidy, puts her things in the dishwasher, washes own clothes etc. she has a bathroom to herself which she now maintains etc aged 20. She works a lot of hours now and if she’s cooking something she tends to offer us some to show off her skills (try complimenting the look of that pasta dish or make it something to bond over, make suggestions, stick some extra on at the same time,l etc)..

shes still partially a kid and as an adult it’s easier for you to make decisions to try build your communication up again. Pick your battles, lead by example and do things for her without it being an argument. Show her how it feels to have something thoughtful done for you buy a range of easy cook food, tell her I got this for you to try that’s easy to make, doesn’t make many pots to clean etc. sounds more like it’s a relationship issue and break down in communication to me, hope things work out x

What do you want her to be cooking for herself? I didn’t have great cooking skills at 17 and also was an extremely picky eater. I was quite similar in that I would put tasks off until they were unavoidable, and just felt exhausted most of the time, and then quite down on myself. As you age and get jobs/go to Uni you end up having to get more life skills. I’m a perfectly functional parent of small kids who loves to cook and look after a household now!

One thing is that jobs aren’t that easy for 17 year olds depending where you are, big pub companies and supermarkets etc don’t tend to want 17 year old who are restricted in what they can do in serving alcohol. Also when I worked in pubs at 18 I was fondled, spat on and slapped and was absolutely miserable. Also I felt self conscious so walking into places to ask for jobs felt like endless rejections.

I get that it’s hard when you are both at odds with communicating, but is there a way you can go out together for a clear the air chat and listen to what she says as well as saying what you need from her? When me and my mother were having an awful time, she took me out for a meal and we actually talked rather than shouting at each other. Feeling listened to helped me a lot and also her talking to me honestly about how my behaviour made her feel rather than criticising me made me see her point of view more. With me it took leaving home for Uni to immediately have a better relationship with my parents and I think that’s quite common.

Turn off the WiFi.

Tell her she’s doing jobs round the house. When they are done she can have it back on,

It a step toward a new habit.

Explain to her she’s turning in to a phone zombie. Encourage her but realistically probably not going to emerge from the phone cocoon until she goes back to college or decides she wants something. If she’s 17 she might be encouraged by earning for a friends holiday/driving lessons.

Be firm and consistent.

“She is in sixth form and doesn't have a part time job. She has applied to a lot of places online but I've told her to go out and walk into places to try to get a job, she tried it a couple of times but isn't keen on doing it. “
Oh, dear! Are you unaware how laughable the idea of doing this is nowadays?