I can't deal with how lazy my 17 year old is

[tiredmummy333]

So my daughter is 17 and is very lazy.

She has no motivation to do anything, to get her to even wash some dishes or clean up after herself is an argument. She won't clean her room.

She wakes up in the morning and lies down on her phone or watching tv.

If I don't cook for her she won't cook or will eat oven food or pasta. Sometimes she won't bother eating as she doesn't want to wash up after herself.

I have absolutely had enough! I know the summer holidays are going to be her lying around doing nothing while I have to work, cook and clean. I know we are going to argue a lot.

I have spoke with her and said let's do a trial for one week in the holidays where she does things I ask around the house and I will pay her. She said she doesn't know if she will be able to stick to it because she just hates doing stuff.

I feel like there is no way to make her more productive and it stresses me out so much.

I'm sick of her using the bathroom and leaving it for me to clean etc.

Any advice?

I was exactly like that, a 'slob' as a teen. I slept until lunch, my clothes lived on the floor, my diet left a lot to be desired. But I turned in to a perfectly normal functioning professional with a degree and a clean house, tidy garden, cook from scratch, good nutrition.

All my siblings are the same.

Apart from a few basic rules, I just think these last few summers, after exams are finished, are his last chance to be completely carefree. I'm not going to spoil that.

As long as he flushes the loo, washes & cleans his teeth, puts dirty clothes in his laundry bag, doesn't eat in his bedroom and shows basic consideration, I'll tolerate the rest.

Flushing the toilet? Wow what a bar to set.

@Singersong Everyone has their limits 😄

You've described my stepson to a tee. He's applied for a few jobs online (having been coerced into it) and thinks his work is done, even if he doesn't get anything. Am fucking dreading the summer hols.

There is an element of normal here. Kids needs help still. Pounding the streets is soul destroying - being honest I wouldn't want to do that either.

I helped my DD get a job. We worked on her cv using things like chat gpt for ideas and I kept and eye out for jobs. Supermarkets can be a good place for first jobs. When an application had questions I help too with suggestions.Same with interview questions.

She's since moved on from her first job but that bit of investment from me helping her with a new life skill has given her loads of confidence. She can now take applying for jobs on herself and is not phased and has got it. I'm really proud of her.

My DSD was shockingly lazy and grubby at this age but has matured into a hard working young woman who keeps her flat clean and tidy.
Pick your battles. My DD is a bit hopeless at noticing anything needs doing but will cheerfully do jobs when asked.
I think some teenagers are wonderful at getting jobs and being busy and others aren't!
Has she got a CV written? That's quite a good way of getting your head around looking for a job. Independent places might want CV's rather than online.
Is there anywhere she might be able to do some volunteering over the summer?
I think the grubby room phase passes..

Turn off the Internet. Take the TV to work with you.
Leave her a list of jobs to get done daily. She only gets Internet and TV back once they are done.
If you pay her to do these jobs you are telling her that they are not her responsibility. As a member of the household they are her responsibility. Who pays you to cook and clean for her?

My 17 year old is similar except she does work. But will lounge around all day and then say she 'doesn't have time' to do the chore I've been hassling her to do. I generally cook for the whole family but if she's home alone she'll eat cereal or tortilla chips with salsa rather than make any proper food. It's hard to get a balance as I don't want to let her get away with being so lazy but equally don't want to spend my life hassling her. (It's really important to me we keep the good relationship we currhave, I've seen too many teens who barely talk to their parents)

Re the job I would say for teens with little to no experience online applications are likely to fail as they have nothing on paper to recommend them. Actually going out in person to speak to people, or even going on local Facebook groups asking if anyone has any jobs shows initiative at least. Both my daughters got jobs that weren't advertised sso it's definitely worth going out with a bunch of CVs or even emailing local companies of interest offering their services.

I’ve heard it all now.

Kids also take the first rejections terribly to heart - it can really knock them which makes them want to give up job hunting

And I noticed with mine that her body clock was so shifted that not eating what was effectively breakfast until tea time wasn't a problem as she was barely waking up then

Bedroom is theirs , but get her to invite friends round and is she wants your help her clear up when they are expected , then give it

Make sure she gets some exercise each day outside

Mine is so housetrained now ( 5 years older ) it's lovely but I am still shocked by the change !

I also think the late teenage years were hardest mentally for mine - all the changes , starting to think about leaving school and everything was difficult time

I wouldn’t be paying for things like phone bill or pocket money if she did no chores and cba to get a job. I’d also disconnect the wifi in the day or change the password.

which bit are you specifically disputing? You know bones around joints solidify during teenage years right? You know children's joints are not solid bone, or they wouldn't be able to grow so fast. What do you think happens to the density of bone when it solidifies? Why would you think muscles that have never had to lift dense bone before would be ready for it?

how do you think someone will be feeling if their muscles are lifting bones that are suddenly much heavier, and needing far more energy to move?

None of this is new information. This is centuries old - people used to understand this better when more work was physical, and especially in jobs which required ranges of movement

I agree with this. It’s cultural. In most cultures for most of history young adults were surely working hard by 17.

Nowadays, there’s no clear job they have to do and parents feel too frazzled to try and make them.

I assumed the asking in local shops were just that, small, local cafes & shops. Round us, quite a few of the cafes etc periodically have a sign on the window with 'come in and ask for X / call ...)

yes, lots of people walk around shops with their CV - most reliable way of getting a part time job - on line applications just tend to disappear into the ether

Lots of people saying 'normal teenager' to excuse the behaviour. I would never have dreamed of acting like that as a teenager!

Are we not the product of our upbringing? She is acting like this because you're being a soft touch and allowing it! She knows she can ignore you when you ask to tidy up and that there aren't any consequences! Tell her she MUST get a job and pull her weight around the house or she's out! If she wants to act the baby, embarrass her with a baby sticker chart or something.

You've raised her and are allowing her to do this!

Sounds like a typical teenager
but be careful she maybe depressed
get an appointment to get her checked out

I told my 16 year old that I was closing his bedroom door and wouldn't go in it again to clean, only for social reasons (chats, computer games, listen to music etc). Clean bedding was left outside his door, likewise clean clothes. If we were cooking we'd do enough for him, and he could eat it where he wanted but if he didn't bring his dishes back I refused to plate up for him at the next meal. His portion stayed in the pan until he came down with a dirty plate and washed it so I had something to put his meal on.

It worked - peace and harmony restored. He lived in an absolute bog until he found his first serious girlfriend when he asked me to help him clean the room. After that it stayed nice. I have to say his own house is clean and tidy (he lives alone) and he tends to the minimalist for neatness. They grow up eventually.

That's not harsh at all, it is good parenting.

You're hilarious.

Maybe that was an issue for humans centuries ago when they needed the strength to hunt and kill, but putting clothes into machine and washing a few pots really doesn't require any physical exertion that is beyond the capabilities of a 17 year old.

@combinationpadlock it's always interesting to look at evolution -but I often think about how 'meaningless' teen life is compared to what we evolved for.

Teens evolved to learn risk taking behaviour - they are driven to take risky decisions - to move away from adults - but they would have had jobs to do - they would have been contributing/ learning/ being out in the world.

Teens did NOT evolve to lie around on beds all day staring at phones ....or to be mollycoddled, fed and given whatever they need.

No, this isn't normal.

Explains why the recent grad and apprentices we've taken on are so useless - no initiative, no resilience, zero motivation.

Yet these teens manage to all sorts of other stuff with their bodies but cannae manage to clear the crisp packets from their bedroom floors or load a washing machine.

Poor wee lambs.

Suddenly? You mean they go to bed on Thursday night with soft bones and wake up on Friday morning with fully solidified skeleton which is “suddenly” 5kg heavier? Have you heard of muscle adaptation?
Also how would it impact on their attitude? The fact that she throws a hissy fit every time she is asked to do a task has nothing to do with her bones. More to do with lack of frontal lobe development and, quite possibly, the fact that she wasn’t asked/taught to do chores as a child.
The fact that teenager’s are naturally active at night, doesn’t explain why she cannot look after herself at the time when she has more energy. I remember doing washing up at 2am at her age.