15 Year old DD and Sexual Experimentation

[Lauzia]

NC for this but I'm feeling really lost and need some advice.

DD is 15, Y11, August baby so youngest in her year and still over 2 months until she is 16. Since Y10 she has been flexi boarding, her school is only 20 minutes away but she likes staying. Most weeks it is Monday night - Thursday afterschool so just the 3 nights, sometimes more, sometimes less. She is also an only child so I have no other experience in this department.
Since just before Christmas we have had 4 separate issues with DD and sexual experimentation, I'll outline them.

1. Just before Christmas DD went to a ski camp in Switzerland for 5 days, she has done this and similar before and really enjoys it, helps to cover childcare for the awkward 3 week Christmas break too. During this we got contacted from one of the leaders and told they had caught DD and a boy of the same age kissing, they don't believe anything else happened. When we picked her up from the airport I asked for her phone, she seemed cagey and didn't want to hand it over. Eventually she did, lots of messages to one lad, nothing super incriminating but some which made me think more did happen. DD insists that isn't the case.
2. In the February we got a call from school, the house matron found DD and her roommate (all girls school) in bed together cuddling in the morning. The house matron believes they were naked. The solution was they got split into different rooms of the matrons choice (so not with a friend any more) and they weren't allowed in the others room ever. DD claims they weren't naked, nothing had happened and they were just cold. Again I don't believe her but she insists.
3. The first sort of confirmed situation, I check DD's phone randomly. In April I checked her phone while she was in the garden, there were messages between her and a school friend, I had to scroll a little but the girl messaged something along the lines of "Am I the first person you have done anything with" DD replied "No, your the 2nd girl and I did stuff with a boy" the friend asked back "Stuff like what? Did you lose your virginity" DD replied with yes. Obviously massive conversations followed, DD wouldn't tell us who/where either of the two times she mentioned to the friend were. Obviously my suspicions were the two times mentioned before but DD insisted no. The time with this friend was at a sleep over in the school break. We got an STD test done and pregnancy all clear. No more flexi boarding at school, no more sleepovers and I increased the monitoring of her phone. We also put her on the pill.
4. DD attends a club on Saturday mornings, she is friends with the other kids there. DD finished GCSE's last week so can now stay home, today she asked to go to her friends from the club while her dad and I were at work. Tonight I've received a text from the friends (male) mum, saying she came home and believes she heard them having sex, she is telling me as her son is 18 (just finished Y13) and DD is only 15. DD is insisting it was consensual and quite rudely said "wasn't like it was my first time". She is now refusing to talk, I've removed her phone.

She is due to go to a summer sports camp in the holidays for 2 weeks and I don't want to send her if she will just be finding someone to have sex with!!
I'm not sure how to handle this. DH thinks we just need to accept she has grown up and trust she is being safe. She is predicted all 7-9s in GCSEs, is smart and athletic and kind, this just seems out of character.

How do I handle this? It can't go on!

Why can't it go on? Frankly, she's nearly 16, making informed choices about her sexuality and it sounds like she's being safe. Are you planning to lock her in her room until you deem her old enough to have sex?

She s nearly 16
She s on the pill
Talk safe sex and leave her be

Honestly OP all you will succeed in doing is damaging your relationship with her.

You've done the right thing in making sure she's on the Pill.

This is the age when they start to be sexually active, and you can't stop them.

It's normal. Even the same sex experimentation is normal.

If you accept what she's doing and stop trying to stop her, you'll have a better relationship.

Can you persuade her to use condoms as well as the Pill? Emphasise the importance of her sexual health.

You may not have lost your virginity at 15 but the majority of 15 year olds have.

“She is predicted all 7-9s in GCSEs, is smart and athletic and kind, this just seems out of character.”

doing well in school, being athletic and kind doesn’t preclude people from wanting to have a sex life. I realise it me be hard to accept (my eldest is 3 so I’ve got some years until this parenting milestone!) but she’s growing up. You’re job is to make sure she is safe, not to stop her (not that you can realistically stop her anyway).,

She is due to go to a summer sports camp in the holidays for 2 weeks and I don't want to send her if she will just be finding someone to have sex with!!
But if she's on the Pill, what's the problem?

Two types of contraception (pill and barrier) and ensuring she knows that you are always available to chat are about all you can do here. She’s 15 and this is what happens.

DH thinks we just need to accept she has grown up and trust she is being safe

Your DH is right.
You need to talk to your daughter about condoms, though.

She is now refusing to talk; I've removed her phone.

Removing her phone will not help, and will actually make her angry and less likely to confide in you.

Give her back her phone and start accepting that she's decided to start having sex.

My DD was 14 when she started a same sex relationship. She and her girlfriend stayed together for years.

DD and her GF eventually split up, and both are now in relationships with men.

There's nothing to panic about, OP. I know it's hard when they start to grow up, but your reactions to your DD are not helpful. She needs impartial advice, not censure and her phone taken away.

It’s normal OP! Can you not remember being young and curious?
As others have said, give her back her phone and stop punishing her for being human.
buy her condoms and let her know you are always there to talk too.

Then leave her be!

Where is your approach coming from ?
Were you raised in a very religious family ?
Safe sex is healthy and normal , there's no shame in her having sex. So much repression of women comes from a misogynistic viewpoint .

You need to back off. The things you are doing will just make her more secretive and not trust you

Gosh, I'm glad my parents didn't receive a report every time I had intimate contact with someone else! It seems her only mistake is getting caught so frequently!
I'd leave her be. Perfectly normal for teenagers to have sexual contact and she's about to turn 16.

Sounds like a normal 15 year old to me.

If she's cracking on with her studies, let her enjoy some fun while she's young and carefree.

She sounds like she's doing well with her studies etc and is confident. She will think you are a dinosaur prude and not want to tell you anything if and when she does feel uncomfortable.
'She just wants to find someone to have Dec with.' So what. I'd much rather my imaginary daughter was in he own power like yours then waiting for a special romantic love to appear and end up getting her heart broken by him (like me?)

How do you know she’s the youngest in the year because she was born in August what about someone born in September October November or December do you know they could be in her year too

Yes I agree. Just be thankful that it doesn't sound as though your daughter has been sexually active for very long and that you've found out when she was almost 16 rather than 13.

Oh my, are you trying to alienate her forever @Lauzia? That is some serious overreaction right there. Leave the poor girl alone. I was expecting you to say she was under 12 from the tone.
The pill is also a really poor choice of contraceptive for teens. They are notoriously shit at taking it properly. Implant or injection much safer.

@Lauzia I think your husband is right. You can’t control a teenager nor supervise 24/7. All you can do is support their self confidence And esteem, give them access to contraceptives and keep the lines of communication open.

You need to accept that she is going to be sexually active and start from that premise.

The cut off is August 31st, so that’s highly unlikely.

Op, if you aren't happy with her being in the school she is at and they aren't giving her the supervision you want, then why can't she live at home full time ? Of course she is having a great time living away from home doing as she pleases.

Completely normal. Was the same when I was that age. I lost my virginity at 15 and I was one of the later ones in my peer group.

Give her back her phone and accept that she’s growing up and wants to have sex. Be that with boys or girls. I agree with your husband

That's not how it works😬

Op I get that you are worried about your DD. But she seems to be sensible (apart from the constantly getting caught!).