15 Year old DD and Sexual Experimentation

[Lauzia]

NC for this but I'm feeling really lost and need some advice.

DD is 15, Y11, August baby so youngest in her year and still over 2 months until she is 16. Since Y10 she has been flexi boarding, her school is only 20 minutes away but she likes staying. Most weeks it is Monday night - Thursday afterschool so just the 3 nights, sometimes more, sometimes less. She is also an only child so I have no other experience in this department.
Since just before Christmas we have had 4 separate issues with DD and sexual experimentation, I'll outline them.

1. Just before Christmas DD went to a ski camp in Switzerland for 5 days, she has done this and similar before and really enjoys it, helps to cover childcare for the awkward 3 week Christmas break too. During this we got contacted from one of the leaders and told they had caught DD and a boy of the same age kissing, they don't believe anything else happened. When we picked her up from the airport I asked for her phone, she seemed cagey and didn't want to hand it over. Eventually she did, lots of messages to one lad, nothing super incriminating but some which made me think more did happen. DD insists that isn't the case.
2. In the February we got a call from school, the house matron found DD and her roommate (all girls school) in bed together cuddling in the morning. The house matron believes they were naked. The solution was they got split into different rooms of the matrons choice (so not with a friend any more) and they weren't allowed in the others room ever. DD claims they weren't naked, nothing had happened and they were just cold. Again I don't believe her but she insists.
3. The first sort of confirmed situation, I check DD's phone randomly. In April I checked her phone while she was in the garden, there were messages between her and a school friend, I had to scroll a little but the girl messaged something along the lines of "Am I the first person you have done anything with" DD replied "No, your the 2nd girl and I did stuff with a boy" the friend asked back "Stuff like what? Did you lose your virginity" DD replied with yes. Obviously massive conversations followed, DD wouldn't tell us who/where either of the two times she mentioned to the friend were. Obviously my suspicions were the two times mentioned before but DD insisted no. The time with this friend was at a sleep over in the school break. We got an STD test done and pregnancy all clear. No more flexi boarding at school, no more sleepovers and I increased the monitoring of her phone. We also put her on the pill.
4. DD attends a club on Saturday mornings, she is friends with the other kids there. DD finished GCSE's last week so can now stay home, today she asked to go to her friends from the club while her dad and I were at work. Tonight I've received a text from the friends (male) mum, saying she came home and believes she heard them having sex, she is telling me as her son is 18 (just finished Y13) and DD is only 15. DD is insisting it was consensual and quite rudely said "wasn't like it was my first time". She is now refusing to talk, I've removed her phone.

She is due to go to a summer sports camp in the holidays for 2 weeks and I don't want to send her if she will just be finding someone to have sex with!!
I'm not sure how to handle this. DH thinks we just need to accept she has grown up and trust she is being safe. She is predicted all 7-9s in GCSEs, is smart and athletic and kind, this just seems out of character.

How do I handle this? It can't go on!

You read her phone? That’s an unforgivable breach of trust.

@Lauzia what are you actually worried about?

At the moment you have gone in far too heavy handed and run the risk of your daughter cutting you out.

personally I think the important thing is your daughter knowing her boundaries and that she is allowed to say no. She may only be able to build boundaries with open discussions. At the moment your reaction has cut her off from these.

This was exactly the time that me and most of my friends started having sex. I was at the older end of the year, so nearly 17, but it was post GCSEs that most people I knew started losing virginities etc. I'd say it was pretty normal.

She's on the pill and if she's having safe sex, leave her be. She's entitled to a sex life.

I would be having kittens like you (I have 15yo too), but probably deal with it a bit differently. I don't think you've massively overstepped the mark with your DD and I'm surprised this thread isn't more 50:50 on that.

I think a deep chat about relationships, the effect sexual promiscuity can have on your mental health etc. Of course, she will eye roll, but I bet something goes in. You can restrict the physical effect of sleeping around but I think the emotional side is harder to deal with. You can't stop it, you can only advise and give information. After that, it's her choices but at least you know you did your best.

I would also consider why she's doing this? (Don't ask her, she won't know). Is her Dad quite distant, could he spend more time with her? Is her mental health/ self esteem a bit fragile? What could you do to help that? Is she stressed? (GCSEs etc) and using sex as a coping mechanism? There's usually something deeper going on.

She is almost 16!

Let her be.

What you are doing sounds controlling and you are only going to give her the message that sex is 'shameful' if you continue behaving like this.

As long as you have had a frank discussion with her about what healthy relationships are and how to practice safe sex then that is the main thing.

Your husband is being sensible. She is growing up and experimenting is completely normal.

There is nothing inherently harmful about being 'promiscuous' (not that I'd ever use that word) as long as she's enthusiastically consenting. Sex isn't a bad thing and girls don't wear out the more people they are intimate with.

Those who are panicking about her being 'promiscuous' do you think she will continue at this rate until she reaches 100 before 21? It's highly unlikely. She's just discovered sex and she's not in a steady relationship so it's not surprising that she's having some casual encounters. 15 year olds in relationships will be having a lot more sex than she is just with the same person!

Picking up on your "out of character" point, I don't get the connection between sex and exam results?

It is possible to be studious and also enjoy sex. I lost my virginity at 13, had lots of sex and I also have an Oxbridge PhD.

You can't stop her engaging in what is pretty normal sorts of sexual behaviour for her age, as others have said. The best thing is to keep an open dialogue encouraging her to stay safe and seek positive experiences with the right people, ie people who feel emotionally safe and respect her. Trying to shut it down is more likely to push her towards risky behaviours and people.

What is it with these 'I'm Oxbridge educated' posters recently on MN.
Is this a status thing?

Exactly. She doesn't know her daughter's 'character' in respect of sexuality yet because she's only just started developing it. OP clearly believes there is something morally wrong about having casual sex because she links it with being low achieving or bad in some way. I've been very 'promiscuous' in my life and have a masters degree and a good management career. The two things aren't linked.

When OP is linking sexual behaviour and academic achievement it's a relevant point to make

Does it? Saying "I've got a Phd" should suffice. It's like throwing around brand names for impact.

Wow...

No, having sex with a load of randoms at age 15 isn’t great, nor is it particularly normal. A lot of girls who were promiscuous as teenagers say it damaged them and that it was a cry for help. Very different from having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend and sleeping with them. I’m also a bit surprised at the nonchalant approach with regard to the 18 year old. Technically it’s illegal as she is under 16 and he is an adult but some people on here are just shrugging their shoulders and saying it’s totally fine which surprises me.
I don’t think there is a lot you can do to stop it given that she is nearly 16 but I’d focus on trying to build her self esteem as often this is a sign of lack of self-worth.

Of course it can go on!!
She's very nearly an adult.
She can kiss and fuck whoever she likes when she is sixteen and there's nothing you can do to stop her. She is developing normally and experimenting.
She's doing well at school, that's really great too, but it's not really anything to do with it.
She's on the pill and should know to use condoms if she's sleeping with more than one person! Also explain that sex doesn't equal love for boys!
Leave her be, if you push her away she will become secretive, do it without you knowing and if there's any issues she won't come to you.
I guess what I'm saying is don't be such a prude.

Threads like this are always dominated by posters saying that absolutely ALL kids are having sex at 15, but that wasn’t even the case at my sink comprehensive in the 90s!

Is it just an attempt to justify your choices as a teenage girl years ago?

It must be a really difficult thing as a parent to get your head around your child having sex, and I AM not ready for my 12yo DD to be out having sex in four years’ time 😬

It's not normal or healthy for a 15-year-old to have had multiple casual sex partners. It seems unlikely she will open up to you at this point. Is there a safeguarding lead at the school you could speak to about arranging some kind of counselling for her? Might be helpful for her to talk about adult relationships and the responsibilities involved with an independent adviser.

I would second a lot of the posts on here saying that she is behaving normally for her age and that you should back off a bit and be more of an advisor than jailer.
in addition though, I would stress ‘no pictures/no videos’.
when I was your dds age I really craved (non sexual) male affection/attention mostly I think because my dad worked abroad a lot of the time. This need to be held ( and a predilection for alcohol) led to some sexual encounters that I hadn’t wanted and regretted.
maybe check in with your daughter and try to gauge if she wants more quality time with you and your DH.

I was very promiscuous in my youth. I loved sex and the thrill of one night stands. I have no idea how many partners I’ve had. I had monogamous relationships too, and have been with my current partner for thirteen years.

I did well at school, have a science PhD, a senior role at work, no confidence issues, no self esteem problems. And certainly no regrets at all the shagging! Given how little my long term partner and I bother, I’m glad I got it all in early. Was always safe and I’ve never had an std. in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even had a uti.

women shouldn’t be shamed for enjoying sex with people they have an attraction to but don’t want to shack up for eternity with. Some of the best sex comes from people who would probably make terrible life partners.

It's obviously not the case that all or even most 15 year olds are having sex but lots are. Some are being coerced or doing it for attention or to have emotional needs met or for many other unhealthy reasons but again, plenty aren't. Assuming that a 15 year old girl must be self harming or damaging herself in some way if she's having sexual experiences is the wrong way to approach it. If she is doing it for the wrong reasons then her mum coming in heavy won't help her be open and seek help. If she's just happily experimenting then her mum's attempts to control her are inappropriate and pointless.

Also I started having sex age 15, there were girls in my school having sex from at 12. It was a London state school though, and when I went to uni I definitely felt like the kids from London were more further on in these things than the other students.

There were at my school too. It’s very damaging to have sex at that young age though and just because people do it, it shouldn’t be normalised.

I can understand how alarming this all must feel, I had similar feelings when DD20 was around the same age. My advice... keep reinforcing knowledge of safe sex, boundaries and consent. There's very little you can do to stop her having sex at almost 16. Teenagers through the eons have found ways despite living under strict conditions. It's important not to make her feel shame around enjoying her body. I'd be concerned about the age gap between her and the last boy though. That's a dangerous situation for both of them.