15 Year old DD and Sexual Experimentation

[Lauzia]

NC for this but I'm feeling really lost and need some advice.

DD is 15, Y11, August baby so youngest in her year and still over 2 months until she is 16. Since Y10 she has been flexi boarding, her school is only 20 minutes away but she likes staying. Most weeks it is Monday night - Thursday afterschool so just the 3 nights, sometimes more, sometimes less. She is also an only child so I have no other experience in this department.
Since just before Christmas we have had 4 separate issues with DD and sexual experimentation, I'll outline them.

1. Just before Christmas DD went to a ski camp in Switzerland for 5 days, she has done this and similar before and really enjoys it, helps to cover childcare for the awkward 3 week Christmas break too. During this we got contacted from one of the leaders and told they had caught DD and a boy of the same age kissing, they don't believe anything else happened. When we picked her up from the airport I asked for her phone, she seemed cagey and didn't want to hand it over. Eventually she did, lots of messages to one lad, nothing super incriminating but some which made me think more did happen. DD insists that isn't the case.
2. In the February we got a call from school, the house matron found DD and her roommate (all girls school) in bed together cuddling in the morning. The house matron believes they were naked. The solution was they got split into different rooms of the matrons choice (so not with a friend any more) and they weren't allowed in the others room ever. DD claims they weren't naked, nothing had happened and they were just cold. Again I don't believe her but she insists.
3. The first sort of confirmed situation, I check DD's phone randomly. In April I checked her phone while she was in the garden, there were messages between her and a school friend, I had to scroll a little but the girl messaged something along the lines of "Am I the first person you have done anything with" DD replied "No, your the 2nd girl and I did stuff with a boy" the friend asked back "Stuff like what? Did you lose your virginity" DD replied with yes. Obviously massive conversations followed, DD wouldn't tell us who/where either of the two times she mentioned to the friend were. Obviously my suspicions were the two times mentioned before but DD insisted no. The time with this friend was at a sleep over in the school break. We got an STD test done and pregnancy all clear. No more flexi boarding at school, no more sleepovers and I increased the monitoring of her phone. We also put her on the pill.
4. DD attends a club on Saturday mornings, she is friends with the other kids there. DD finished GCSE's last week so can now stay home, today she asked to go to her friends from the club while her dad and I were at work. Tonight I've received a text from the friends (male) mum, saying she came home and believes she heard them having sex, she is telling me as her son is 18 (just finished Y13) and DD is only 15. DD is insisting it was consensual and quite rudely said "wasn't like it was my first time". She is now refusing to talk, I've removed her phone.

She is due to go to a summer sports camp in the holidays for 2 weeks and I don't want to send her if she will just be finding someone to have sex with!!
I'm not sure how to handle this. DH thinks we just need to accept she has grown up and trust she is being safe. She is predicted all 7-9s in GCSEs, is smart and athletic and kind, this just seems out of character.

How do I handle this? It can't go on!

What do you mean by “it can’t go on” because to put it frankly, it can, and it will.

The time between leaving school and becoming a legal adult flies by in a blink of an eye. It sounds like you have a responsible one that studies and works hard. Don’t ruin your relationship with her.

I don't know what country you are in but in England the cut off is August 31st, DD is August 30th. It isn't unheard of to hold kids back a year but I can't think of anyone who was moved ahead a year.

She sounds a lot like me at that age OP!

I turned out just fine and my mother didn't give me a hard time. If she had im sure we would have had a different kind of relationship.

If you want to ultimately have a close relationship with her I would apologise to her for judging her and getting angry with her for experimenting, say it's just difficult for you adjusting to her growing up but you know it's all completely normal, she's done nothing wrong, and you just want to make sure she is safe and being intimate with people she feels respected by. If you say all that you may repair the relationship to a point that you can help keep her safe. If you take the role of the enemy, trying to be the boss etc, she will just keep everything a secret and won't have an adult she can turn to if she needs to.

Thanks everyone, I guess it is very odd to me, I lost my virginity at 18, I've slept with 3 people in my whole life. I'm sure I've read studies where the average number of sexual partners is between 4 and 7 (depending on the study), It feels worrying that she is already pretty much there before she is even old enough to legally consent. I also think 15 and 18 is very inappropriate.

I also think 15 and 18 is very inappropriate

Not really. Girls mature faster than boys. That age gap is fine.

And it's not unusual that she has consented to sex before the age of 16.

As for the number of partners, well that's very individual. Not everyone sticks to just 4 - 7. I certainly didn't, although once married I only had sex with my husband.

You sound quite judgemental. It'll stop her from confiding in you.

Sexual partners means people you have full blown intercourse with, doesn't it? I lost my virginity at 19 and have only had sex with two men (I know I'm unusual!) but I was having a lot of sexual contact with boys from the age of 14, such as snogging, touching etc. I would still say I've only had two sexual partners.

She is nearly 16 and the age gap isn't that inappropriate.

You do need to back off and frankly stop checking her phone. She should be allowed privacy in her communications at this age.

It will be totally counterproductive to keep doing what you are.

She's had sex. The conversation now is about making sure she's also using condom as well as the pill and that she keeps herself safe by letting you know where she is rather than lying to you.

Her behaviour is completely normal to my memory of being 15 and im now 46.

You are way way over involved in starting to count and then judge how many people she is sexually active with. What gives you the moral right to say she should stick to a cerrtain number of sexual partners?!

I kissed flirted and had sex with several boys in my teens and twenties. I have no idea if the specific number but I think you need to butt out of her developing sex life!

It's really wrong to take her phone away ! You should not be punishing her for being sexualky active that is just awful

@Lauzia I am very curious about those statistics. Firstly because society tends to be loudly judgemental on women having practically any sexual relationships.

The number never matters and tells you zilch about a person. The only concern you need to have is her personal boundaries being respected. You sound very judgmental. Having sex isn’t wrong.

We got an STD test done and pregnancy all clear. No more flexi boarding at school, no more sleepovers and I increased the monitoring of her phone.

You are being far too heavyhanded. You are not your daughter's warden. She is not your prisoner. If you continue to chokehold her you will lose her respect for you. Your daughter isn't you. She doesn't have to live her life the way you did.

This is normal behaviour. Stop checking her phone and let her have some privacy. She’s on the pill. Just make sure she knows about safe sex.

Just back off and calm down!

Sorry op you're the problem here. Give your daughter privacy before your relationship becomes seriously damaged

You are way too 'up in her business' She is not a child anymore

Most kids have had sex by age 15? Is that really true?

I think you read to much. Between 4-7 sexual partners you say yet in my whole girl group circle I can't think of anyone who has had so few until they and myself eventually settled down late 20s and started families of our own

It has nothing to do with pushing someone ahead. If someone from the year above was held back that person would be in your DD’s year but older than she is. But in England that’s the rare exception rather than the rule and it doesn’t sound like it’s relevant to your question anyway.

it’s not ideal, however it does seem to be the norm now to be sexually active under 16.

The current group of “youngsters” I employ all started working for me 2 years ago just after turning 16. We are quite a close knit group and chat openly about all sorts, and it surprised me that they were all sexually active and open / confident about it!

all but one were open with their parents about it. The one that had to hide her boyfriend / “activity” and had a mum who checked her phone daily and confiscated it at night was the one who had several pregnancy scares and was not reliably being safe. Thankfully the other girls were all switched on and helped her with surprisingly mature and correct advice!

take from that what you will.

interestingly this one girl also had no financial freedom - her mum administers her bank account, and the girl only has access to her cash tips, and spending on her phone - which is linked to her mums account. She’s also the one who is least financially savvy.

I’d say the average is a lot higher than 4 / 7.
I bet the 18 yr old thought she was 16. Unless you want her to leave home soon, back off. You may not like it, it’s not odd, and she will be fine.

I'm going to be truthfully honest.

I had an over protective mother and I absolutely HATED IT. We went through very similar experiences to what you describe above, and quite frankly if I were her, I'd be hating you just like I resented my mother.

It's awful having your private life investigated without your consent by a parent scrolling through what you thought was your phone. It's incredibly degrading.

It's also a terrible feeling to be quizzed how you've been quizzing her - she's never really going to want to tell you anything and your relationship as adults may become fraught if this style of parenting continues.

FWIW, I'm now older, have 2 wonderful children, am a home owner with a stable relationship and a thriving career with multiple degrees, so please don't think that her slightly "out there" behaviour will have any affect on her future... it most probably will not.

Finally and mainly for your reassurance- my mother is NOW fantastic and I love her dearly so this can be rectified. I do feel the problem lies with you though, not her.

Honestly op? You ask for advice, my advice is you need to chill. Give her phone back and instead build up trust so she can come to you if she has issues then accept she's almost a woman. At this age my dd did this, sneaking about is normal in year 11. Far better to have a dialogue and get her being safe than burying your head in the sand

And 2 years ahead in school is very normal, my dd dated a lad 2 school years ahead at 15, I don't know when his birthday is so he could have been 17 or 18.

I just wanted to add, I ended up having a total breakdown at 18 due to the lack of control I felt I had in my life. I strongly believe it developed from the fractious relationship I had with both my mother and father. I went TOTALLY off the rails after gaining multiple straight A's for years because I couldn't deal with it anymore.

She will do own thing regardless, you're just making it more difficult for her so she'll end up doing it in more risky ways. That's what I ended up doing and trust me, I got myself into some very dodgy, scaring and uncomfortable situations.

I just want to scream at you despite not knowing you because I don't want your daughter to go through what I did. She's not you, she doesn't have to live the life you have - it's just tough if you can't suck that up.

Absolutely this OP.

It is difficult accepting they are growing up, your comment about childcare in the Xmas hols shows that you see her as a much younger child.