15 Year old DD and Sexual Experimentation

[Lauzia]

NC for this but I'm feeling really lost and need some advice.

DD is 15, Y11, August baby so youngest in her year and still over 2 months until she is 16. Since Y10 she has been flexi boarding, her school is only 20 minutes away but she likes staying. Most weeks it is Monday night - Thursday afterschool so just the 3 nights, sometimes more, sometimes less. She is also an only child so I have no other experience in this department.
Since just before Christmas we have had 4 separate issues with DD and sexual experimentation, I'll outline them.

1. Just before Christmas DD went to a ski camp in Switzerland for 5 days, she has done this and similar before and really enjoys it, helps to cover childcare for the awkward 3 week Christmas break too. During this we got contacted from one of the leaders and told they had caught DD and a boy of the same age kissing, they don't believe anything else happened. When we picked her up from the airport I asked for her phone, she seemed cagey and didn't want to hand it over. Eventually she did, lots of messages to one lad, nothing super incriminating but some which made me think more did happen. DD insists that isn't the case.
2. In the February we got a call from school, the house matron found DD and her roommate (all girls school) in bed together cuddling in the morning. The house matron believes they were naked. The solution was they got split into different rooms of the matrons choice (so not with a friend any more) and they weren't allowed in the others room ever. DD claims they weren't naked, nothing had happened and they were just cold. Again I don't believe her but she insists.
3. The first sort of confirmed situation, I check DD's phone randomly. In April I checked her phone while she was in the garden, there were messages between her and a school friend, I had to scroll a little but the girl messaged something along the lines of "Am I the first person you have done anything with" DD replied "No, your the 2nd girl and I did stuff with a boy" the friend asked back "Stuff like what? Did you lose your virginity" DD replied with yes. Obviously massive conversations followed, DD wouldn't tell us who/where either of the two times she mentioned to the friend were. Obviously my suspicions were the two times mentioned before but DD insisted no. The time with this friend was at a sleep over in the school break. We got an STD test done and pregnancy all clear. No more flexi boarding at school, no more sleepovers and I increased the monitoring of her phone. We also put her on the pill.
4. DD attends a club on Saturday mornings, she is friends with the other kids there. DD finished GCSE's last week so can now stay home, today she asked to go to her friends from the club while her dad and I were at work. Tonight I've received a text from the friends (male) mum, saying she came home and believes she heard them having sex, she is telling me as her son is 18 (just finished Y13) and DD is only 15. DD is insisting it was consensual and quite rudely said "wasn't like it was my first time". She is now refusing to talk, I've removed her phone.

She is due to go to a summer sports camp in the holidays for 2 weeks and I don't want to send her if she will just be finding someone to have sex with!!
I'm not sure how to handle this. DH thinks we just need to accept she has grown up and trust she is being safe. She is predicted all 7-9s in GCSEs, is smart and athletic and kind, this just seems out of character.

How do I handle this? It can't go on!

Wow I believe the average is definitely not that low!

Anyway I agree it’s time to let your daughter grow up and support her in feeling able to talk to you about this stuff and also encourage safe sex including about not consenting if she’s not comfortable with something. That’s as important as using protection. I lost my virginity at 17 but even back then in the 90s a lot of my friends were younger and parents meddling was a nightmare when you’re a teen and it makes you more secretive!
I have a young dd myself though now and I do totally know where you’re coming from -the thought worries me too but this is already happening for your dd so I’m afraid it’s time for some acceptance x

1. Just before Christmas DD went to a ski camp in Switzerland for 5 days, she has done this and similar before and really enjoys it, helps to cover childcare for the awkward 3 week Christmas break too. During this we got contacted from one of the leaders and told they had caught DD and a boy of the same age kissing, they don't believe anything else happened. When we picked her up from the airport I asked for her phone, she seemed cagey and didn't want to hand it over. Eventually she did, lots of messages to one lad, nothing super incriminating but some which made me think more did happen. DD insists that isn't the case.

When reading your OP this first bullet really stood out for a couple of reasons. Firstly you reference childcare - she’s 15 why does she need childcare??????
Secondly she was caught kissing a boy of the same age and you reacted by checking her phone? What exactly is the problem with a 15 year old kissing another 15 year old?
Honestly I think you’re being way too strict and you’re going to damage your relationship with her.

OP, sorry I don’t have any advice for you but all those saying it’s normal are missing the point that she’s being promiscuous. It’s one thing to be in a relationship that leads into a sex, quite another to be taking things further with 3 different people in such a short space of time where she has no emotional attachment to them.

Oh dear. I think damage limitation should be the priority here now. Give her phone back, stop acting as her jailer simply because she’s behaving the way girls (and boys!) her age do and attempt to reopen lines of communication. I’d be leading with an apology for overreacting and coming across as judgemental, explain you were finding it difficult to adjust to her growing up etc. It’s not an easy thing to see your baby growing up and you clearly do still see her as a child but she is very nearly sixteen, you need to give her the space to make her own decisions, and some of her own mistakes, hopefully with the knowledge she would be able to come to her mum if needed.

Hmmm not according to this poll - average age is 17 (in the uk) apparently. (I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having sex at 15 but it’s not true to say that ‘most’ people do)

https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/45313-what-age-did-britons-lose-their-virginity

No, I don’t think it is -
https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/45313-what-age-did-britons-lose-their-virginity

maybe other posters aren’t missing this point, they just don’t see it as an issue? Is promiscuity inherently a problem if the person is emotionally mature enough to make sensible decisions and is being safe?

16 - 17 is average in the UK.

https://www.nhsborders.scot.nhs.uk/patients-and-visitors/our-services/general-services/underage-sexual-activity-interagency-guidance/sexual-activity-and-the-under-sixteens/

Well OP. Keep going at this rate and you’ll lose your daughter for sure because you are smothering and shaming her. No wonder she doesn’t want to tell you anything - I wouldn’t either.

This

It might not be average but it's not unusual
You sound like my mum
My body count would make your toes curl I bet - but I've enjoyed healthy sex all my life and no adverse affects on my career and mental health.
She's still like it, and I have very little to do with her

I agree with you OP and I'd be worried too. To have so much casual sex at such a young age isnt right. I doubt she likes sex that much. For girls it's almost always emotional. She will get hurt. I would tell her that sex is best kept for a loving relationship, not with randoms who don't have any feelings for her.

Totally agree. When I was her age we were all the same and that was 50 years ago. It's normal!

Ah, I see lots of commentary on that.

I do think the 18 year old should have known better and realised she is under age.

Everyone is being quite harsh on you here, I think I'd feel the same as you . Unfortunately you have been informed every time somethings happened! I'd stay away from her phone for your own sake, when we were younger parents didn't have access to that level of information. You have done the right thing with the pill now you need to set what you boundaries - only you can do that not Mumsnet x

This isn't true in the U.K.

The average age is 17, with less than a water being 16, even fewer at 15,

You're being too ott, all you will achieve is her hiding even more from you. As long as it's safe and consensual then make sure she is aware to use condom's while on the pill and talk.to her about making good choices relationship wise

Don't understand these threads.

Can we be shocked at the number of teenage pregnancies when people are so nonchalant about 15yos having sex.

Emphasis should be on STIs and risk of pregnancy as no form of contraception is fool proof.

Just because lots of you did when you were 14, do you think it added any value or positivity to your life or was it detrimental?

This!

I can't believe there's been so little emphasis on this.

Most girls this age don't even get pleasure from sex with these randoms who don't care about them, it's peer pressure and experimentation.

Because in English schools the cut off is 31 August.
Very few, if any, can start school early here.

I'm on your side here, OP. 15 is very young to be having this much casual sexual contact with this many different people (although I'm a bit that a camp called you because she kissed someone!) Having sex with a girlfriend or boyfriend is one thing - and 15 is still young in that scenario - but this doesn't sound healthy. Totally agree with previous posters that she is probably deriving 0 sexual pleasure from these encounters!

I am going against the grain here and saying, no, I don't think this is Ok.

This sort of behaviour can be a form of self harm in high achievers, and sometimes the aim is pregnancy as this is seen as an escape from the academic rat race, rather than a choice to have a loved and wanted baby -

I have seen this situation go wrong all to many times

She's a teen with rampant hormones. Have you forgotten how it feels?

She's on the pill, you've had the talk and presumably she knows you expect some responsible behaviour from her. Let her know you're open to chat if she wants to and leave her to it.

As others have said, you risk seriously damaging your relationship with your daughter for life if you don't stop controlling and shaming her.

Your OP is astonishingly similar to my experience as a teenager with my mum and we have a strained relationship now I'm an adult. It also took me a long time as a grown up in a healthy relationship to unpick the damage caused to my self esteem from being shamed for really normal sexual behaviour.