Schoolwork battles

[Aerialist50]

Hi all. I have a bright, but anxious soon to be 13 year old. Homework has been a huge battle since starting high school. She refuses to do it in in a timely manner, often leaving in until 10.30 at night and then insisting I sit with her to do it. She procastinates for hours first (I need a drink/snack/get changed) etc meaning a 20 min homework can take 2 hours or more. Last night I managed to get her upstairs st 9am to do it, but it was 10 20 before she would actually start it.

Now we have her year 8 exams and she is point blank refusing to revise. I have tried everything, but she refuses. I think she's frightened of failing and overwhelmed but she refuses to discuss it with me (puts her fingers in her ears and tells me to leave the room if I try). I'm exhausted from the nightly battles and don't know what else to do, but let her fail. Threats to involve school lead to her threatening to refuse to go.

I feel like I'm failing her, but I'm at the end of my rope. I've told her now it's her choice on whether to do her work and revise, and she needs to take the consequences from school if she doesn't. What else can I do??

I would find a time that works for you, and tell her you are available to help with homework from e.g. 5-7 Mon, Wed and Fri. Then be available - maybe cooking tea, and her at the kitchen table. If she doesn't want to take you up on the offer, she can continue to do it at 10pm, but you won't be helping.

Our school don't give much help on what or how to revise and its not that easy for children to work it out. Could you give her a hand with organisation initially and then do as the previous poster said?

What is she doing until 10.30 at night? If it is watching TV, using her phone, listening to music, gaming etc then tlmy first suggestion is make those things unavailable until she has done the homework. That's the routine in our house.

Does the school not have a homework club, if so this might be a option

It sounds as if she doesn't have a regular bedtime? I think she needs one especially on school nights.

I agree with double we had a homework time slot so they get used to doing their homework before dinner and then had free time in the evening.

As she is 13 maybe explain to her how the grade curve works, that for some children no matter how hard they work will be forced by the curve to get a 2 or 3. Tell her you want the absolute best for her, to have money to be able to live in a nice area, to have money for food, to travel, to have a nice car. The job she has dictates how much money she gets paid. Talk to her about salaries, find houses near you on Rightmove to buy or rent, look at how much she can borrow for a mortgage on say £25k. That she will be compared to not only her classmates for GCSEs but children at Eton, show her videos on Youtube of Eton and the likes. Explain about bills, utilities, phone, council tax, travel expenses and house insurance. Ds1 was in awe of a classmate's sister who earned £800 a month because to a 12 year old that was a hell of a lot of money for a games console and games. But this girl lived at home with her parents and was 18.

Then she will understand that the leg work she puts in now will pay off further down the line. GCSE content often starts in year 9 so that will be what she is tested on in year 11.

My DS is same age and difficult too. Also bright but making no effort. Or not much. He's spending too long on his phone when he gets home so I've just said that's getting locked down tonight as he was up at 1030 last night reading in bed. By 9pm I get very antsy if homework is not done and start saying leave it and get to bed and take the punishment at school.

What consequences does your dd get at school for missing deadlines or doing badly?

Treat her as if she was younger to support a tone and behaviour change. Draw up a sensible/modest timetable, doing anything is better than nothing. Make the work area practical and comfortable, stop other distractions. Make her a nice drink, keep to short time bursts and reward any attempts at all.

If she won't do it, say that's fine, you can use the time for any non-screen activity.

You need to take the battle out of it - you're making empty threats about involving school, she's countering with threats not to attend.

Speak to the pastoral team at school for HELP not punishment.

This is too much emotional pressure for an already struggling 13yo. Heavy talk about mortgages is going to stress her out.

When we were 13 didn't have such pressure heaped on.

Yes give positive reasons to work, but don't depress her.

If my parent treated me this way I would refuse too

My teenager is required to submit work on time any extra is up to them, they go to school because we do not pressure them

As a side note I am yet to meet a parent who does not use the word bright

Homework refusal is classic ADHD. Read up, talk to school, seek diagnosis In the meantime, is there an after school homework club she can attend (or maybe work in the school library)? Lay off the pressure, it's counter productive. Instead help to build a conducive structure and incentives to doing work at home. The more low stress you make home, and the transition from school to home, the more easy she'll find executive function to work at home.

I would do what @DoublePeonies says and also take all her devices like @WonderingWanda suggested. But beyond that I would not talk about it any more. I would not be having a battle about it at 10.30 at night.

If she doesn't do it she will get in trouble at school presumably.

At my dd's school they were numerous homework clubs. Not only for children like your dd who needed support but for children who didn't have a place to do their homework at home.

@qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty my youngest child is 18 so we already had this talk.

As for this heaps on pressure they did this exact thing in school on a PSHE day in year 8, split them into groups and gave them different jobs with a realistic salary, a salary calculator link so they could see how much tax and National Insurance they paid, then a typical mortgage of 3 - 4 times the salary then find a house with a 10% deposit of the mortgage amount.

When "we" were 13 you could leave school at 16 with no qualifications and walk into a job, you could do a secretarial qualification at my school or learn basics about being a car mechanic. That is why people post on here asking about resitting their maths GCSE that they didn't get back in school because a lot of jobs require basic qualifications to do them. I have taken some college courses for fun (these were GCSE level equivalents, I already have my degree) and several women were either doing functional skills or maths GCSE resits.

I have done this. She's supremely stubborn, refuses to do it on principle and then comes in my room at night,turns the light on and effectively refuses to let me sleep until I sit with her. I'm at a loss now.

refuses to do it on principle and then comes in my room at night,turns the light on and effectively refuses to let me sleep until I sit with her. I'm at a loss now.

What did you do when she did this? Refusing to let you sleep is an absolute outrage.

I can hardly imagine the punishment I'd give if my thirteen year old did that.

There are homework clubs but she refuses to go, or just sits there. I've tried to help with the organising for her - together we wrote a revision plan, I researched different ways of revising, even allowed her to watch BBC bitesize because she finds reading pages of text tedious, but it lasts days before she 's back to refusing.

She does have a regular bedtime of 10.30 but refuses yo go until her homework is done. If I try and go to bed, she will literally come in my room, turn the light on and sit there. I work and commute and I'm now exhausted. So is she although she refuses to admit it.

I ve taken away her phone before. She's so stubborn she would either try and physically fight me for it, or will just sit there for 2 hours still not doing the work.

I've tried the Explosive Child/plan B aporoach but as she won't collaborate to finc a solution, it doesn' work. I feel my only choice now is to let her fail but I feel like I'm failing her. I know there's a reason she's doing it, but until she let's me in, I don't know what else I can do.

Told her it was absolutely unacceptable and shut her out the room. She then proceeds to kick the door and scream whjcb i can't have her doing at 10.30pm. In the morning she is always apologetic but it never lasts. She has problems with self regulation which I'm trying to work on.

Then you do need to let her fail. 🤷‍♀️

Also, get a lock on your bedroom door and get some earplugs and something to play music in your room so you can sleep.

Quite honestly, and I don't say this lightly, it sounds like she is trying to control you.

She's found something that you are concerned about and now she's exploiting it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Does she have problems with self regulation with other people or just with you?

What are the school doing or saying when she doesn't do her homework?

Has this happened before? Or is this a new thing? If it’s a new thing, what’s happened? What’s changed?

And I know a lot of armchair diagnoses get bandied about here but this doesn’t sound like a typical kid. Have you ever had her assessed for anything? Can school help with some pastoral/mental health support?

Oh sorry, I’ve just re-read your OP. If it’s been like this since the start of secondary school, I’d definitely be doing some digging into whether she might have some undiagnosed SEN (as well as putting in place all the boundaries people have talked about here)

How is she actually doing at school?

I wouldn't be pushing this unless she's doing badly.

Although having read your updates sounds like you have bigger issues.

Further updates do indicate that this is more than a homework problem.
I think you need to make an appointment to see the pastoral head and discuss some of these problems.
I would also try to get a GP appointment with a view to a referral. Her behaviour is worrying.

I absolutely agree. She is trying yo control. Which is why I'm working hard on myself to stop her manipulating.

I'm hoping that by not mentioning it and just removing the batle, if mag help, but it's gard to stsg calm when she's pushing every guilt button.